Before you start reading uderstan that this is more of a book than a post. Some of it may be triggering. I have only been here a few days. Im not sure where to start much less where I am going but I want to get it all out. This community is so supportive. I have never had any kind of support like this in my life. I have no idea how to take a complement much less someone careing for me and trying to help me through this mess I have made of myself. Its overwelming sometimes. A few weeks ago I could count the number of times I have cried sense I was 10 on one hand. In the past few days I have not been able to stop cying. I have been breaking down over and over again. The last few hours I have been crying because I feel cared for. I have never felt that and I dont know how to handle it. Everyone here has been so willing to help me. To get me through my problems. I never knew what that felt like. Now that I do I dont know what to do. I feel like I owe people something I could never repay. I just dont have any words for how I feel. I cant say how much it means to me. I didnt know I could feel this way. I didnt know that this feeling even existed. I wish I could come any where close to expressing what a diffrence this has made on my outlook on life. I guess this is my story. Its the first time I have ever tried to put it all down in one place. My first memory is of walking around wearing my dads boots with marbles in them. More crawling than walking I guess. Spending time with my sister. The next is of me riding around in a green big weel with a trailer. My biological father kept pushing me to do more. It was so early in life but he attatched a little green trailer to it and filled it with dirt. He kept challenging me to ride to the top of a hilll. When I would fail he would just shake his head and say I needed to try harder. He wanted me to be the best at everything before I could even read. My mom would argue with him and he would hurt her. She would usuially hide in her room and go to sleep but one day years later she kicked a hole in the wall. I saw her do it. I dont know how old I was but the next day I told people I was in day care about it and they said it wasnt possable to kick a hole in the wall so I tried and did. They kicked me out for it. Things went ok for some time. I was told I had ADHD and I was given pills for it. The next issue came up when I was 9 or so. My biological fathers brain stoped making some kind of chemical and he went crazy. It started with him thinking all the light bulbs were 'bugged' so he threw them out and we only used flash lights and candles. Then he though all the food was poisened so he through it all out. Then he thought 'the bad men' were going to torture us so he would give up secrets. He tried to kill me, my sister, and my mother. My mom told me it was just a game and I didnt understand but he went away to an instatution. Then they got devorced and he went on medication. Eventually he stoped taking the meds and we stoped seeing him. When I was 13 I started lighting things on fire. I started cutting myself and destroying everything around me. I ended up going to live with my biological father again and he moved around a bit. He eventually sent me to a run away shelter where I met a girl. We connected and I got her pregnate. My dad sent me to a religious boarding school and she killed herself and my child while she was there. The boarding school would hold us down for hours doing pressure points when we fucked up. It didnt matter what I said or promised they wouldent stop the pain for how ever long they decided. (It was called 'Mountian Park Babtist Boarding Acadamy' If you feel like looking into it. They were shut down for the second time for child abuse and are now re-established in oragan last I herd. If you feel like keeping children from enduring that situation google it. There is movements you can help with that will keep children from being tortured.) I got out and got into drugs pretty bad. I went back to hurting myself but eventually met Melissa. She had been through as much as I had and we connected and helped etchother through a lot over the years. Eventually I joined the Marine corps. I have know about death all too well. I have died twice, seen friends die and taken many lives. I got out a few months ago and was finaly able to really be with Melissa. She moved in with me and then left me for my best friend who I am also living with. Sense then I have carved up my face pretty bad and done every drug I can get my hands on to keep from living in this reality. I cant move out and the only other place I can go is a homeless shelter. Theres more details on everything in my other posts. I wanted to go into more detail about everything but I cant. I did leave out a sexuial thing when I was 9 but when I tried to write about it I couldent. That and I have a physical deformaty. Thats my story. I will add to it later especially the events of the last 24 hours but I need a break..