Im sorry

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Craig, May 31, 2011.

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  1. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    Before you start reading uderstan that this is more of a book than a post. Some of it may be triggering.

    I have only been here a few days. Im not sure where to start much less where I am going but I want to get it all out.

    This community is so supportive. I have never had any kind of support like this in my life. I have no idea how to take a complement much less someone careing for me and trying to help me through this mess I have made of myself. Its overwelming sometimes.
    A few weeks ago I could count the number of times I have cried sense I was 10 on one hand. In the past few days I have not been able to stop cying. I have been breaking down over and over again. The last few hours I have been crying because I feel cared for. I have never felt that and I dont know how to handle it. Everyone here has been so willing to help me. To get me through my problems. I never knew what that felt like. Now that I do I dont know what to do. I feel like I owe people something I could never repay. I just dont have any words for how I feel. I cant say how much it means to me. I didnt know I could feel this way. I didnt know that this feeling even existed. I wish I could come any where close to expressing what a diffrence this has made on my outlook on life.

    I guess this is my story. Its the first time I have ever tried to put it all down in one place.

    My first memory is of walking around wearing my dads boots with marbles in them. More crawling than walking I guess. Spending time with my sister. The next is of me riding around in a green big weel with a trailer. My biological father kept pushing me to do more. It was so early in life but he attatched a little green trailer to it and filled it with dirt. He kept challenging me to ride to the top of a hilll. When I would fail he would just shake his head and say I needed to try harder. He wanted me to be the best at everything before I could even read. My mom would argue with him and he would hurt her. She would usuially hide in her room and go to sleep but one day years later she kicked a hole in the wall. I saw her do it. I dont know how old I was but the next day I told people I was in day care about it and they said it wasnt possable to kick a hole in the wall so I tried and did. They kicked me out for it.
    Things went ok for some time. I was told I had ADHD and I was given pills for it. The next issue came up when I was 9 or so. My biological fathers brain stoped making some kind of chemical and he went crazy. It started with him thinking all the light bulbs were 'bugged' so he threw them out and we only used flash lights and candles. Then he though all the food was poisened so he through it all out. Then he thought 'the bad men' were going to torture us so he would give up secrets. He tried to kill me, my sister, and my mother.

    My mom told me it was just a game and I didnt understand but he went away to an instatution. Then they got devorced and he went on medication. Eventually he stoped taking the meds and we stoped seeing him.

    When I was 13 I started lighting things on fire. I started cutting myself and destroying everything around me. I ended up going to live with my biological father again and he moved around a bit. He eventually sent me to a run away shelter where I met a girl. We connected and I got her pregnate. My dad sent me to a religious boarding school and she killed herself and my child while she was there. The boarding school would hold us down for hours doing pressure points when we fucked up. It didnt matter what I said or promised they wouldent stop the pain for how ever long they decided.

    (It was called 'Mountian Park Babtist Boarding Acadamy' If you feel like looking into it. They were shut down for the second time for child abuse and are now re-established in oragan last I herd. If you feel like keeping children from enduring that situation google it. There is movements you can help with that will keep children from being tortured.)

    I got out and got into drugs pretty bad. I went back to hurting myself but eventually met Melissa. She had been through as much as I had and we connected and helped etchother through a lot over the years. Eventually I joined the Marine corps. I have know about death all too well. I have died twice, seen friends die and taken many lives.
    I got out a few months ago and was finaly able to really be with Melissa. She moved in with me and then left me for my best friend who I am also living with.
    Sense then I have carved up my face pretty bad and done every drug I can get my hands on to keep from living in this reality. I cant move out and the only other place I can go is a homeless shelter. Theres more details on everything in my other posts. I wanted to go into more detail about everything but I cant. I did leave out a sexuial thing when I was 9 but when I tried to write about it I couldent. That and I have a physical deformaty.

    Thats my story. I will add to it later especially the events of the last 24 hours but I need a break..
     
  2. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    WOW you have been through so much pain and loss. It is a miracle you are still standing ! You are a very brave man craig. Very brave indeed. You can have the life you deserve and you will get there eventually. Im sorry for all the horrific things that happened to you, and i understand why you cant write about some of it. Thankyou for trusting us all with your story ... i hope you get some relief from posting.. much love always sarah xx
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    why do you have to be the one who moves out
    after all, they are the ones who started sleeping with each other
    they should move out
    just saying....
     
  4. Craig

    Craig Banned Member

    dazzle11215
    I finally got to talk out most of the major issues with Melissa. I feel so much better now.

    I need to move out because its Tony's moms house and I am renting a room. Beond that I have a job. A carrear. The only thing I have going for me in another city to the sourth. I have to move to mae that happen..
     
  5. AlopexAngel

    AlopexAngel Chat Buddy

    I'm really glad to hear that. I still think some kind of shelter would be healthier for you but that's just my opinion. I'm glad to got your story out. I think that can be very beneficial for some and I hope it was for you. TC and don't hestitate to pm me or anything. Take care of yourself please.
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im glad that you feel better, your story is heartbreaking. The first thing that came to mind is that you are probably feeling crappy about what happened with her, but it may have thrown you into what I call a "manic" stage. Its when everything seems to be doing okay then something bad happens and it throws you way off mentally and physically. Your body and mind has had enough and the abuse your doing is a release, almost like a protection thing, does that make sense. When your hurting so bad, you want anything to take that pain away and will do anything most times, doing the drugs and the self harm is a release, it makes you feel good temporarily.

    Whats your next step, finding your own place and making that move? I hope that is an easy process for you. Also look into your VA if your not active anymore, they can help you find somewhere and they can also help you find a doctor that will help you control these emotions and teach you how to live again with all the stress.

    Im glad you found this site, your words are perfect. I think the same and hope to see you around more.

    Hugs
     
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