i am sorry for letting you all down. today is my day to die. i am tired of trying. i am tired of just surviving. i'm afraid i have created quite the mess for myself and like i will never be able to see daylight again. even if i did i would screw that up too. i can't not screw things up and i am hopeless to change that no matter how much i want to. i'm an idiot. just plain and simple. i'm a dumbass. you may feel differently about it, but i am the one who would have to live with this and i just can't do it anymore. again i'm sorry. please take care of yourselves.
I'm sorry
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there was a time that i believed that too. i was abandoned as a new born and even though i was adopted at 2 and a half months it was still like i didn't have parents because they were never there for me. i just am worthless as a mother. i have tried for so long. so many years and my condition is just getting worse and worse. i don't understand it but i do know i can't do this anymore. it's pointless. they don't need this. they deserve better and this i just haven't been able to do for them despite my best efforts. to keep trying=insanity
someone told me don't make a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i'm here to say the problem isn't temporary. the problem is permanent. this has been ongoing for the last twenty yrs. and i can't resolve it and God as my witness i have tried. IF i can, i will hold out til tues. when i have the chance to meet with my therapist, but honestly i'm not sure if i can hold out that long. this is far tooo depressing to stare in the face any longer.:sad:
I'm sorry but my post is going to come accross as a little harsh. Seems to be my thing, I'm not an arsehole but just seem to post as one.
From the post you've made so far I can only assume you have more than one kid. What you're saying is that they'd be better off without you. Now I'm sorry but that just isn't right. You aren't saying that you beat them, or you allow them to be raped or anything else that would disgust pretty much everyone on this site or anywhere else.
Those kids have you.
Your first decision is..."what is the absolute least thing that I will give to my kids?"
Your answer can be one of two
A mother
No mother.
Think about that for a while.
From the post you've made so far I can only assume you have more than one kid. What you're saying is that they'd be better off without you. Now I'm sorry but that just isn't right. You aren't saying that you beat them, or you allow them to be raped or anything else that would disgust pretty much everyone on this site or anywhere else.
Those kids have you.
Your first decision is..."what is the absolute least thing that I will give to my kids?"
Your answer can be one of two
A mother
No mother.
Think about that for a while.
Rhino, your kids need you, more than anything. I know at times they seem better off without you or that they dont want you around, but they do. I would rather have a mother that was a slut, drug addict, alcoholic, abusive, hopeless, etc. than no mother at all. Every child needs a mother no matter how 'bad' they may be. Your kids arnt the only ones that need you. You mean so much to me and have helped me thru a lot. Please hold on rhino, talk to your theripist and take care.. Stay strong, for all of us x
You know hun, I just had a conversation with my friend. She asked what was going on and I told her there was 2 things I wanted but one thing I wouldn't let myself do which is kill myself, she saw my leg. But she said Carolyn.....there is something I need to talk to you about, her father beat her when she was very little and beat her until the day he died, but he committed suicide and it still effects her and her sister and she is 45 years old. She said it will always hurt and devastate her and it will never stop. She also told me she would be very messed up if I ever died intended or not. She gave me a hug and said I love you baby girl, don't leave me. And I want you to know ever if you don't think you were the best of a mother, it will traumatize them until their lives end. I also know someone and her son killed himself then later on a few years later she did too.
Please read this what I have said over and over until you understand how serious this is. You can get by, you can make it, you just have to figure out how....you can make it, I have seen some people with much worse lives then us who didn't give up and got better and helped others like us, and they are my heros....don't give up.
:hug: :hug:
Please read this what I have said over and over until you understand how serious this is. You can get by, you can make it, you just have to figure out how....you can make it, I have seen some people with much worse lives then us who didn't give up and got better and helped others like us, and they are my heros....don't give up.
:hug: :hug:
i decided to call my therapist today, and he of course is suggesting the hospital for a few days. i'm not so sure what to do anymore. i have been encouraged just to call work and say i'm not going to make it in and go to the hospital, but i just don't know. i am feeling so confused at the moment. i don't feel like the hospital is going to accomplish anything, but putting off the inevitable. I HATE THIS. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? wish i could scream!
well, i spoke again with my therapist early this evening and i think he would really like to see me in the hospital, but then again he said he would see me tomorrow at our scheduled time. he also informed me that he is having crisis call my house later on this evening. i would still so much prefer to give in. i think this is even ludricous to consider going in. when they call, or if they call, i will suggest for them to just come and pick me up. if they don't then i will do my thing. my therapist however promised me they would call. i told him i doubted they would cause i had another therapist tell me that and they never did. ok actually they did but like three days later. i am not waiting again. that's just stupid. so this is where this is all standing at the moment. just thought i would let u know. then again i'm sure you're tired of hearing about it.
one more thing. usually it helps me get over it by talking about it but not this time, it's delayed this some but i still want this and more than ever. i'm sorry please take care
one more thing. usually it helps me get over it by talking about it but not this time, it's delayed this some but i still want this and more than ever. i'm sorry please take care
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