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I'm sort of trying...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pirategirl, Feb 21, 2015.

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  1. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    I'm trying to send out messages... things that say I'm not ok.

    I'm selling all my books so that my mum doesn't have to sort them out when I'm gone...
    I've bought a kit to make your Will...
    I've even talked about having suicidal feelings...

    I feel like no one is getting how close I am... I don't know why I'm trying, even. I don't want to be stopped. But maybe I do? Because I want people to understand. I guess these don't sound like very good signs ... for me they are huge ... I am rubbish at talking about how I am feeling. I can only do things that show. And I have talked to a couple of people but they just say 'things will get better, I promise'. I can't believe that.

    Not sure what I want from this post... some reassurance that people get it, maybe? That my feelings are real.
  2. kristellechou

    kristellechou Well-Known Member

    I know how close you are. I was there about 14 hours ago.

    I won't tell you things with get better because that didn't help me - it doesn't help me, really. I am, at the moment, just deciding to keep breathing. I don't know how long that will last but just keep breathing. For right now, focus all your energy in that.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sending out hints that you are not okay is a good sign. A sign that you want me to be seen, noticed, heard and understood. You say you are rubbish about saying how you are feeling, start slowly like you are doing now and eventually you will be able to talk face to face to someone about your problems. Please do not do anything that you may later regret or worse that you won't be able to undo.

    Keep talking to us :)
  4. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    I don't know why but human beings are really not good at detecting those signs and react about them.

    I don't think it's necessary egoism, people just don't know what to do and convince themself that things will get better.
  5. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    To be fair, what to me are great big neon signs are probably to other people barely even hints... :rolleyes:

    I'm so conflicted. I don't want anyone to stop my plans... maybe it is better if no one does notice.

    I have to go back to work tomorrow - I was off most of the week sick (from depression; I couldn't cope with being at work) and I am so scared about going back.
  6. kristellechou

    kristellechou Well-Known Member

    Whether they notice or not, what we can control is that fact that we, here, know now.

    Maybe talk to us more first before doing anything?
  7. Ljt

    Ljt Well-Known Member

    Hi pirate girl. I know how you feel. Maybe you should try a more direct approach and tell your family how you feel.

    I don't tell anyone anything but that's my choice. If you feel like it reach out to someone.
  8. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    My sister knows I feel suicidal. She doesn't want me to do it. She says she won't let me. Don't see how she can stop me, though. I have a good plan.
  9. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    I guess that's true... I don't know. I feel like I have given up hope. There is no point in having hope. I have got through the last two days at work by telling myself 'the more I work the more money I earn and the sooner I can pay off my overdraft and once that's done I can kill myself'.
  10. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

  11. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    The one day at a time thing helps here. You are important here so keep posting so we know you are ok. I'm struggling today but I wanted you to know that I care. I am using t he "one day at a time" thing.
  12. pirategirl

    pirategirl Active Member

    Thanks, cymbele. I am waiting until I have sold enough books to pay off my overdraft (which is quite large) before I do anything, so it will be a little while. I just wish it could come sooner.
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