I'm starting to scare myself (possible trigger)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Android, Dec 17, 2009.

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  1. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    I know I don't post often, mostly I just lurk the chat rooms or read the threads. I thought I could handle it by myself, a form of self-medication if you will. Some friends/enemies/triggers even call cutting self-medication. I haven't resorted to that, but I've been tempted so many times. I've more or less jumped the gun, going straight to suicide attempts. I've pressed the blade diagonally against my wrist, only to get caught seconds before. I've arranged pills up in neat, colorful piles to take, only to get preoccupied with the organization itself.

    Nowadays, I've managed to abstain from dangerous thoughts for 2 1/2 months (a personal record), but it seems they've built up. The mood swings are coming more frequently and more violently. It's getting hard to hide from my friends. The one who feels the brunt of my aggresion is my mother, who sees how horrible things have gotten. Here's the kicker: she refuses to recognize that anything is wrong, that it's all normal teenage stuff (you know, kicking holes in walls, furiously scratching at my arms until they bleed, picking at scars determinedly, pacing and muttering to myself. Normal, right?). I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, but she claimed the doctors were lying and that "only stupid weird kids get ADD" and mental issues. I've asked to see a psychologist multiple times, but she insists I don't need one, and only need "a mother's love and some tea". My position is that either I find out what's wrong with me with help from a professional and hopefully cure/lessen it, or continue alone hoping with every step I don't reach my disastrous destination. I fear it's fast approaching.

    tl;dr, I know. I'll attempt to make the font easier.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Have you ever considered a support group? There are many out there for people that are ADD, ADHD etc., for mental health issues, suicide and even just teen peer support groups. I think if you found one, you might also find resources that you can check into without needing your Mom's consent. They usually have brochures and literature available at the meetings. You could take ones that talk specifically about what you are trying to deal with, and leave them somewhere in the house where you know your Mom has to see them. Sounds like she is in denial and you need to shake her back to reality a bit. If you find a support group helping then you might even consider taking her along to one of the meetings once you feel secure enough to be there.
  3. Elizabeth2719

    Elizabeth2719 New Member

    Aww, it is so hard when it seems like nobody cares or wants to help you. When I was going through a stage like this, I didn't want my friends to know. When my dad found out that I was cutting, he just yelled at me...no going to make things better like that.

    I think that your mother might be trying to ignore it because she is scared. Like if she doesn't think about it, then it doesn't exist. I'd recommend finding somebody else to talk to and help you. Do you have any close friends that you know will help you out? It can be hard to trust them with that kind of sensitive information at first but I opened up completely to one person and we are still very close friends and it helped me a lot.

    Just hold on...it sounds like a cliche but in reality, it is what we do every day. Mental health issues are a real thing and I luckily have parents who understand that [it is genetic in my case] I think you need to inform your mom about the actual facts and statistics. Not "just weird kids" have mental health issues. MANY do. And it doesn't make them weird. If you need somebody to talk to you should have a right to it. Before I started going to a normal face to face therapist, I emailed suicide help and that kept me going. Just do what you can, and hang in there! There are many people here who you can talk to and that care about you!

    Over all, you just need to reassure your mom and help her realize the real dangerus potential here.
  4. sincredibly

    sincredibly Member

    You owe yourself a lot of credit for making the courageous move of reaching out for help. I can relate to some of what you have said through my experience and what I would really like to say to you is that you can work through your circumstances.. and know that they are just circumstances.. we all have them.. they differ from individual to individual but at the end of the day they are all just circumstances.. they can always change... with our intentions.. with our thoughts... our choices.. our perspectives.. etc...

    if you don't mind me asking... what is it you are lacking? or what is it that is causing you to feel the way you are feeling about yourself?

    if you are unsure, that is okay... if you do not feel comfortable conveying this to anyone who reads this, that is also okay too..

    help is out there my friend and i foresee you coming to some profound realizations in your near future.

  5. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    My dad and I are really similar, and I'd suppose it could be genetic as his mood swings are as severe as mine, and my mom always half-jokes that he's bipolar. That could be it.

    When I was little, my sister was always the favorite. She got the attention, the extra-fussing over. She's always been really popular and was always flanked by people. i was the quiet one, going off by myself and exploring, making up stories in my head with my imaginary friend. When our parents first started fighting, I was just barely 8, and my sister was 11. instead of her comforting me, it was the opposite. When my dad was sent off, they said he could pick one kid to take with him. He picked my sister and I was so hurt. My dad was my best friend, where we'd go on errands and watch sci-fi and westerns (I had seen the first 3 Star Wars and the Magnificent Seven all before I turned 6, and every night we'd go to his study and watch star trek). My mom fell on her knees and startedn sobbing not to take her, her firstborn. He just turned and left, waving and saying "Goodbye *insert name here* and *me*, I love you."

    I've never felt good enough for anyone, and now I have a terrible outlook on life and myself. The only reason I'm so self reflective is because I'm so used to picking out my flaws and picking them apart, and I always had help from my sister in finding out what those flaws are. My mother, who is a model, and has always been stunningly beautiful, continuously complains how ugly and fat she was. She's only stopped lately when she caught me throwing up in the bathroom, and doesn't want me to develop bulimia like she did.

    As of late, a friend of mine that goes to a different school would always abandon me for guys, then come back when they treated her badly. One of the guys that went to school with me I had befriended after she cheated on him, only to find out he only dated her because he liked me. They broke up, and me and the guy became really close, and he made me feel important to him, while my friend stopped talking to me to get a guy she had wanted. we still hadn't talked when the guy i had befriended stopped talking to me too, right after he had asked me to homecoming, then said he couldn't make it due to family stuff a few days later. Homecoming week rolls around and i finally talk to the girl. she tells me that she's coming to homecoming. i ask with who and it's my guy friend. Turns out they've been dating since he canceled when she came back to him and said she'd promise to sleep with him if he took her back. He never told me, although he promised her he would before homecoming. We still talk to each other regularly while me and the girl hardly ever talk anymore. He refuses to admit he did anything wrong to me, and i don't bring it up so he'll not get mad at me.

    summary: i hate myself in every aspect and i've never felt good enough for anyone. I choose people who are similar to my family members in that they treat me horribly and let me down, but I stay faithful to them in hopes they'll once need me like I want them to.

    My life's a fucking soap opera, so i won't be surprised if any of you think i'm embellishing the tale.
  6. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Wow I think you must have experienced one of the most painful things around - to have your father reject you in favour of taking your sister (regardless of his reasons) and to see your mother seemingly wanting her back in preference to you will have done you so much emotional damage, that alone would be enough to cause you problems.
    So it's perfectly understandable you are down on yourself and are repeating that experience of rejection later on in life. I guess my advice on what you've said so far would be for you to try and sort out that early pain in some way, work through all the issues it's caused, maybe seeing a therapist or counsellor to talk through it all would be a start?

    I can really relate to all that you've said, especially about holding onto people who have hurt you. The obvious way out is to get you feeling better about yourself, and I really think the sooner you can start talking to someone about all the bad feelings you have the better it will get in the long run.

    By the way, just a thought but from what you say about your sister being hurtful to you, makes me wonder whether maybe she wasn't jealous of you?
  7. xXxJJxXx

    xXxJJxXx Active Member

    im 16 and ive had the same problems as you :(
    i punch and kick walls until i break my bones, i cut, i bash my head against things, stratch, etc. and it is sooo obvious but yet my parents have never noticed and assume all of my injuries are accidental. i think by now they would have a clue as to my mental state. even if they do they deny it.

    the thing is parents want their children to be perfect, they feel any 'imperfections' if you will are some how related to them, they feel responsible. they will always deny there is something wrong because they cant face up to the truth and they dont understand.

    they only way out of this is to get professional help, you have done well to keep going for so long, i admire you for that, you cant give up hope now. it was brave for you to come on here and say this in the first place, so be brave and go to someone who can really truly help you get on the road to recovery.

    good luck xxx
  8. Android

    Android Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys. I'm looking for places to go get help. Music is really important so that's how I've dealt.
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