I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by -Deception-, Oct 11, 2007.

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  1. -Deception-

    -Deception- Well-Known Member

    Just randomly posting this after returning to this site after some time of absence. Just thought I'd share my story so far.

    About 4 months ago I stumbled upon this site looking for a forum where you could discuss painless suicide methods. Imagine how baffled I got when I realized a forum called "suicide forum" actually was pro-life. I did find my method of choice elsewhere, but this site provided me with something else: Support. Especially one member was very helpful to me and put a lot of things in perspective! You know who you are :hug:

    Anyway, I was 19 then. I'm 20 now. I had many problems in my life that made me just want to end it all. I'd just admitted to myself that I was gay (which really shouldn't be a problem in Sweden, but at the moment it felt like a huge obstacle in my life), I wasn't happy with the way I saw myself and refused to listen to comments like "you look great today", I painted everything in black and despised mankind for everything we do to this poor planet (I still do). Life felt like one big cruel joke and the fact that we're all eventually going to die made it feel very pointless to keep struggling here.

    I had everything planned. I'd booked a hotel room on July 13th this summer and was going to end it all there (doing it in my own room wasn't an option seeing how my family would be destroyed if they were the ones who found my lifeless body).

    I don't really know what got me through, but obviously, I didn't go through with my plans in that hotel room. I can't say I'm feeling *that* much better today, but I see things improving. A lot of things are happening in my life right now and most of them are pointing in the right direction. With every passing day I grow more and more comfortable with myself and sometime in the future I might even allow myself to be "happy" (even though I think happiness is an illusion, just like love).

    I still, as late as yesterday night, get that desperate urge to die, or rather, to end it all. It's just not as frequent. But I think some part of me will always wish for that drunk driver to accidentally run me over, or the doctor phoning me saying I have terminal and untreatable cancer. That way it wouldn't be suicide - it would just be death.

    What I'm really getting at is that the saying "suicide is a permanent solution to and often temporary problem" is quite accurate. I'm not saying that all problems are temporary, but many are. So much can change in a heartbeat, even that which you thought was cemented for an eternity. The unknown that awaits after death is to many a big relief, but at the same time, it might be very very horrifying as well. We have been given this life, this existence, by some unfathomable force, and even if we were born against our will, we're here now and should try hard before we give up. Life's an unfair bitch, I'll be the first to tell you that, but we can't deny its positive elements either.

    So unless you're 100% sure, please do think twice when it comes to ending your life. For now, I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I hope I'll make it. One thing, however, seems inevitable: once you've been on that very edge, like I was when I sat with the pot of poisonous pills and vodka in my hands in that lonely hotel room, is that the dark feeling of a total emotional void will never quite leave you. It feels like it's always going to be there, more or less present. As some sort of reminder.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2007
  2. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    Im really glad for you, its better to keep fighting for our happiness than let 'fate' dictate what should be.
     
  3. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    It's great that you're feeling on the up. Optimism kicks ass
     
  4. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear, Deception. I think I might be on the road to recovery as well.
     
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