I'm starting to think it might be a problem...

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by MissKerouac, Apr 6, 2009.

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  1. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Active Member

    I've always had a vague problem with food. I know I'm skinny. I lose my apetite a lot if I'm down. But that all seemed to go away about a year ago. Food wasn't even an issue, and I didn't even have to think about it (unless I was going out to eat, in which case I got anxious) but apart from that everything was fine.

    Then recently I'm not sure whats happened. I don't know how long ago it started but I just stopped feeling hungry. I was having one meal a day and even that was a struggle and I could only finish half. I was more withdrawn from people, looking back. I was making excuses not to eat and it all becamse a big obsession. And I found that people started making quite cruel comments to me as well. Little jokes about me being fat. And I started arguing more and more with people. Everyone seemed to change. I fell out with my best friend. And everytime something like this happened I just went without one more meal. Maybe to spite them, maybe because its some kind of cry for help.

    But its only lately I've been thinking. Is it everyone else thats changed or is it me..? When I think back, I'm not sure the comments about me being fat are really anything to do with me. It just seems a bit much, the more people i talk to, the more they've ALL changed. And what are the odds? Maybe they're just treating me differently because I'm treating them differently. I've realized lately that I've turned into someone I don't like at all and its been such a gradual change that I've only just noticed.

    But I always feel like I'm going to snap back into my old self in any second. Or just the next morning. This doesn't feel like the real me right now, so it doesn't feel like it matters. And in the meantime I went 4 days without eating last week. And today I've eaten 640 caleries and I feel huge and disgusting.

    Thinking about that, it looks like a problem. It just doesn't feel like one. I just don't feel like me at all.

    And I also realized today that I've been miserable lately. I've been going out and getting drunk a lot, being reckless and a general nuisance, and I thought I was happy. But I'm not at all. Its just hit me that I'm really really desperatly sad.
    :sad:
     
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you.

    I think it might be wise to go and see a doctor and tell him/her everything that is going on for you. Do you think that is something you could do?
     
  3. messyflowers

    messyflowers Member

    that was me two years ago. i always was self conscious about weight since i can remember, probably 4 years old. and the next thing i know i cant keep myself from binge eating at age 8 to 12. then i wont eat from ago 12 to 15. then binge eating for a few months, then getting addicted to any drug or chemically made thing that makes you lose weight or not hungry, and now im bulimic. i wish i knew why ive been like this my whole life, but dont tell yourself youll never be ok. thats how i got stuck here and i really do know ill never be ok after 12 and a half years of this, being raised like this. itll be ok, just take it step at a time and cut out little things that seem to trigger you or people or activities but act fast cause you still have time
     
  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I suggest going to the doctors and discussing the "one meal a day" with them.
     
  5. MissKerouac

    MissKerouac Active Member

    Well this was 2 or 3 months ago now and I'm doing so much better. Thanks for your advice on the matter, I spoke to my doctor about it and since getting proper help I've made leaps and bounds. The most important thing is that food doesn't make me anxious. I can't believe how fast this has all helped. I know I've got a little way to go and I still need to be very careful when I can feel it creeping up on me. But overall I feel "healthy". In that sense. Its got so much better. I know help from therapists won't work for everyone but I can say that owning up to my problem and seeking out the help did me the world of good. It helped find underlying issues, that I obviously now have to face up to and work on, but at least I'm eating again and I feel so much stronger.

    I really can't believe how quickly it all improved (possibly because I replaced the comfort of starvation with more cutting, but I still FEEL better, and thats the important thing)

    If anyone is really determined to deal with an eating disorder, there is no way you can't fight it.
     
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