Hello all,
This is my first post here. I am a 24 year old unemployed gay guy. I had a very very not so good argument with an aunt whom I looked up as a sort of "guide" and support. She is a nagger though and on the phone I felt like I was harassed. She said I was dumb for not putting enough effort to find work. Well, I did as I had already applied to several hospitals in my city ( I am a registered nurse)...but more bad mouthing. My ears couldn't bear it anymore so I retorted back in a tone of voice that was hurt. And more nags from her until I confronted her how horrible she is and hurting the words she said to me.
It felt like I was slapped on the floor. I could have just fainted. My aunt was still nagging and nagging and shouting but hung up eventually. Thank goodness. I was crying so severely. You know those times when your own self perception was stripped off down to the bones and you feel naked and vulnerable. But what is good is that I am already out of a hideous family "system" that is unjust and full of prejudice. This aunt of mine is the head "Mama". Everything she says is obeyed although sneered at her back but she has this kind of economic power with her but I did not mind it. I have my own life and I don't want to be put down by some foul-mouthed relative of mine.
But then I felt so down. I went to my room immediately and wept so much and then felt hopeless. I am already ostracized by my family because of my homosexuality and then this not nice argument have injured the already mauled relationship with my parents.
I have always been alone. My parents had always treated me like that. I don't know why. Maybe they feel I am not normal because I am gay. But over the years I have tried to cope with it. It's was hard though being almost alone but I was too strong enough to emotionally nurture myself with music and the arts. Some people would have not noticed that I have such a traumatic family life because outside I look perfect.
On the night of the argument, I overdosed myself with my antihistamine for my allergy. It made me very groggy. I was afraid of dying and of course, the pain was so severe inside me. I was lulling myself to sleep. To my own death, but then a small voice inside me was saying: You have to live. Fight. You have to live. Fight.
I was so groggy that I had trouble getting up. I was afraid to die. I love my life. I have to fight. So I got up even though I have trouble walking straight. I tried to be very silent not to wake up my mother and siblings. I went to the kitchen and got a spoon and then scooped some coffee powder in the canister. I did it and then drank a liter of water. The coffee would stimulate my body to slip out of the groggy (leading to comatose state) and the the water would help flush out the antihistamine (as it is excreted in the kidneys). Every hour in that night, I was getting up spooning coffee and then drinking water. I want to live and not die.
I feel asleep and got up later in the morning. I was drowsy but was glad I am alive. I slept the whole afternoon and later in the night. The next day after that I went out...just to have a walk and enjoy the beauty of this earth. I felt alive. Somewhat I was quite glad I didn't die that night.
J
This is my first post here. I am a 24 year old unemployed gay guy. I had a very very not so good argument with an aunt whom I looked up as a sort of "guide" and support. She is a nagger though and on the phone I felt like I was harassed. She said I was dumb for not putting enough effort to find work. Well, I did as I had already applied to several hospitals in my city ( I am a registered nurse)...but more bad mouthing. My ears couldn't bear it anymore so I retorted back in a tone of voice that was hurt. And more nags from her until I confronted her how horrible she is and hurting the words she said to me.
It felt like I was slapped on the floor. I could have just fainted. My aunt was still nagging and nagging and shouting but hung up eventually. Thank goodness. I was crying so severely. You know those times when your own self perception was stripped off down to the bones and you feel naked and vulnerable. But what is good is that I am already out of a hideous family "system" that is unjust and full of prejudice. This aunt of mine is the head "Mama". Everything she says is obeyed although sneered at her back but she has this kind of economic power with her but I did not mind it. I have my own life and I don't want to be put down by some foul-mouthed relative of mine.
But then I felt so down. I went to my room immediately and wept so much and then felt hopeless. I am already ostracized by my family because of my homosexuality and then this not nice argument have injured the already mauled relationship with my parents.
I have always been alone. My parents had always treated me like that. I don't know why. Maybe they feel I am not normal because I am gay. But over the years I have tried to cope with it. It's was hard though being almost alone but I was too strong enough to emotionally nurture myself with music and the arts. Some people would have not noticed that I have such a traumatic family life because outside I look perfect.
On the night of the argument, I overdosed myself with my antihistamine for my allergy. It made me very groggy. I was afraid of dying and of course, the pain was so severe inside me. I was lulling myself to sleep. To my own death, but then a small voice inside me was saying: You have to live. Fight. You have to live. Fight.
I was so groggy that I had trouble getting up. I was afraid to die. I love my life. I have to fight. So I got up even though I have trouble walking straight. I tried to be very silent not to wake up my mother and siblings. I went to the kitchen and got a spoon and then scooped some coffee powder in the canister. I did it and then drank a liter of water. The coffee would stimulate my body to slip out of the groggy (leading to comatose state) and the the water would help flush out the antihistamine (as it is excreted in the kidneys). Every hour in that night, I was getting up spooning coffee and then drinking water. I want to live and not die.
I feel asleep and got up later in the morning. I was drowsy but was glad I am alive. I slept the whole afternoon and later in the night. The next day after that I went out...just to have a walk and enjoy the beauty of this earth. I felt alive. Somewhat I was quite glad I didn't die that night.
J