I'm still alive

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by jantigercat, Apr 23, 2009.

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  1. jantigercat

    jantigercat New Member

    Hello all,

    This is my first post here. I am a 24 year old unemployed gay guy. I had a very very not so good argument with an aunt whom I looked up as a sort of "guide" and support. She is a nagger though and on the phone I felt like I was harassed. She said I was dumb for not putting enough effort to find work. Well, I did as I had already applied to several hospitals in my city ( I am a registered nurse)...but more bad mouthing. My ears couldn't bear it anymore so I retorted back in a tone of voice that was hurt. And more nags from her until I confronted her how horrible she is and hurting the words she said to me.

    It felt like I was slapped on the floor. I could have just fainted. My aunt was still nagging and nagging and shouting but hung up eventually. Thank goodness. I was crying so severely. You know those times when your own self perception was stripped off down to the bones and you feel naked and vulnerable. But what is good is that I am already out of a hideous family "system" that is unjust and full of prejudice. This aunt of mine is the head "Mama". Everything she says is obeyed although sneered at her back but she has this kind of economic power with her but I did not mind it. I have my own life and I don't want to be put down by some foul-mouthed relative of mine.

    But then I felt so down. I went to my room immediately and wept so much and then felt hopeless. I am already ostracized by my family because of my homosexuality and then this not nice argument have injured the already mauled relationship with my parents.

    I have always been alone. My parents had always treated me like that. I don't know why. Maybe they feel I am not normal because I am gay. But over the years I have tried to cope with it. It's was hard though being almost alone but I was too strong enough to emotionally nurture myself with music and the arts. Some people would have not noticed that I have such a traumatic family life because outside I look perfect.

    On the night of the argument, I overdosed myself with my antihistamine for my allergy. It made me very groggy. I was afraid of dying and of course, the pain was so severe inside me. I was lulling myself to sleep. To my own death, but then a small voice inside me was saying: You have to live. Fight. You have to live. Fight.

    I was so groggy that I had trouble getting up. I was afraid to die. I love my life. I have to fight. So I got up even though I have trouble walking straight. I tried to be very silent not to wake up my mother and siblings. I went to the kitchen and got a spoon and then scooped some coffee powder in the canister. I did it and then drank a liter of water. The coffee would stimulate my body to slip out of the groggy (leading to comatose state) and the the water would help flush out the antihistamine (as it is excreted in the kidneys). Every hour in that night, I was getting up spooning coffee and then drinking water. I want to live and not die.

    I feel asleep and got up later in the morning. I was drowsy but was glad I am alive. I slept the whole afternoon and later in the night. The next day after that I went out...just to have a walk and enjoy the beauty of this earth. I felt alive. Somewhat I was quite glad I didn't die that night.

  2. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Hmm well you are a nurse so I bet you know the best thing to do in case of a overdose.

    To get to the rough parts sometimes you have to be your only hero, you can't expect the world or even your family to comfort you forever. It's cruel but not everyone has loving parents that would love them no matter what, and being gay isn't a big thing. Homosexuality is not a reason to sever off relationships. A son should be a son that is loved unconditionally.... but like I said not all parents are the same. In my opinion they are real morons to treat you the way they do.... Your aunt must love you at least, she's trying to encourage you even if she says mean and nasty things she hasn't abandoned you. You really know that you don't matter when people abandon you.

    Be happy you haven't become just another statistic.
    You've worked hard to get where you are and you should live to enjoy the rewards of your hard work. Be happy, Live happy, Do your best. :hug:

    And so I don't forget this is your first post and I just wanna say welcome to the forum. :tongue:
  3. jantigercat

    jantigercat New Member


    Thanks for the welcome.

    Actually, my aunt has abandoned me. She said that and our conversations stopped. I think it's for my own good. Her helping schemes was just like crippling me. Who would want to get nagged and demanded to do this and that? I have my own life and I must fight for it. Sometimes, I understand that older adults get a bit scared of what their young adult children might do. They (the older adults) are kind of afraid that their children might fall into some traps and get the wrong way. Sometimes, it's hard telling them to just relax and enjoy what their children are doing. Besides a wrong decision can be a very fruitful lesson later.

    I actually felt better after writing my first post here. My feelings got validated and of course I got it out of my chest. Yesterday was a bit hard because the effects of the overdose went away but still I felt like hurting myself. Today I was able to think higher than hurting myself. I don't know if it's rationalization but it's kind of thinking way up ahead that killing myself won't be the best option.

    Ok when I feel down and depressed somebody should post a link to this post so that I can read it again.

  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! I am a straight male and see nothing wrong if someone wants to be gay.. My neice is gay And has always stood her ground that if you don't like it to bad.. Well everyone in the family has accepted the fact that she is gay.. Now her current girlfriend is despised by the family..She has had other girlfriends who were accepted and even cared for..Don't let your family sway you in how you feel about yourself..It's your life and they will come around in time..Good luck in the job search..Don't get discouraged because right now jobs are hard to find..Have you tried any doctors offices?? Maybe that would be an option for right now...Take Care!!
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