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I'm still here! The means the method and the madness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by purpla, Dec 12, 2011.

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  1. purpla

    purpla New Member

    I am 56 years old my whole life has been bad, no that's not true from the age of four or five which is as far back as I can remember life has been totally shit, I have no childhood memories of happy family life, every relationship I have entered always ends with the same old problems, the low self esteem and total lack of confidence instilled and beaten into me relentlessly by my father hangs like a giant millstone around my neck. I was abducted from the street at fifteen following one of my many runaways from a very unhappy home, they took me to a really posh apartment in Brighton and four or maybe five men subjected me to three weeks of rape and abuse..(My fault of course) Last night I tried again to end it all by XXXX which is prescribed for a spinal injury I have following a fall from a ladder I am in constant pain and have chronic liver disease from a hepatitis C infection which I contracted when a teenage heroin addict, they tried to "Cure me" but the drugs have an adverse effect on my system and after two attempts the nhs is not willing to spend the £22,500 for another failed attempt. I have been told that I can expect to die from cancer of the liver and after 30 years of infection it could be happening as we speak. It's not an easy thing to do to kill oneself with a drug overdose! I have two failed attempts under my belt but I am learning. I have decided that despite it being the cleanest and most probably painless way to go but it is rarely successful. I found this place after finding out that The Samaritans now charge you for your phone calls. for the last three months since they cut my benefits I have only been able to eat for three or four days a week and have lost two and a half stone in weight I sit at home cold hungry and often without power for those that are thinking (He can afford a computer and connection I have a dongle and a laptop that is falling to bits. I don't even know why I am wasting the time to type this or if I will come back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 12, 2011
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF. I'm sorry that you're in pain, and for the past you had.

    You're important to me, and I hope you keep posting. I'm looking forward to reading more.

    You're in a caring community of people who all have had problems, or are having them now. We do our best to take care of each other with encouragement and support.

    I can't say I have the answers to your problems, but suicide doesn't let you experience future happiness. It also leaves a lot of damage among your family and friends - yes, friends, you probably have more that you think.

    I hope you think of myself and this forum as friends, where you can speak your mind and not be judged.

    Take good care of yourself
  3. Groznyji

    Groznyji Active Member

    That's a pretty intense story. I'm currently living in the UK but I'm new to this country, so I'm not quite sure how the NHS works in most situations. Will the NHS provide some sort of therapy?
  4. purpla

    purpla New Member

    Hello I haven't even scratched the surface of my life in this short message, oh yes the NHS gave me six weeks counselling when I found out I had Hep C or should I say six one hour sessions spread over six weeks, well that was the theory the reality was that the psychologist phoned in sick on at least four occasions so it was six hours spread over 10 to 12 weeks where I would sit in a room with a psychologist who said hello and then said nothing she would say hello then stare ayt me twiddle her thumbs shuffle her feet or just watched me struggle to speak of my feelings and all she had to offer me was "Close your eyes and think of a nice place you would like to be". Oh she requested I write down all the things that troubled me which I did I spent half the night writing down all the bad shit that has happened to me and how it made me feel I really thought that i was going to get a result and that someone was going to take the time to actually look at and analyse what I had written she took me onto the car park with a large Nescafe coffee tin handed me a cigarette lighter and made me burn the 14 pages I had written telling me that that was my troubles floating up into the sky in the smoke. Therapy my ass!
    I cant work, I am dosed up to the eyeballs on medication I am of no longer of use to this country I worked and contributed into the system for 35 years paid full tax and National insurance contributions and because I had savings at the time I injured my spine and was foolishly too proud to make a claim within six months of the injury because of this I lost my entitlement to anything but the basic payments they say a human can live on, to be honest it doesn't even pay my bills, Eat or heat that's the choice I face daily I am fortunate in that I have a roof over my head for a few more months then it's going to be hostels or homeless. I have been bidding on council properties for five years and have never ever had an offer of housing from them, I would rather die than spend a night on the street where I don't think I would survive more than a few weeks anyway with my health issues especially if it happens in winter ..as for going into a hostel...I spent time as a runaway in a few of them and again death would be the better option for me. I have just been assessed by the DWP for disability living allowance and rejected again that's the third time in six years. I go to the Jobcenter they tell me to go away and sort my health issues out then come back! It's a vicious circle of stress and misery. I am paid this Thursday £135.00 that's two weeks money I know that all I have spare is £16.35p to feed myself with after paying the bills. The UK is a great place to live if you are fit and healthy. I was once proud to be British, not anymore I have worked myself half to death I was never a shirker I worked double shifts weekends bank holidays 50 60 70 hours a week regularly for what? to be tossed aside labeled a scrounger and made to feel like there is nothing left for me, I don't want to spend the rest of my life struggling to feed myself having to make the daily choice of food or warmth.
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