I'm still kicking...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wbbmlost, Feb 28, 2014.

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  1. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

    Well, in July 2013 I joined this forum...hoping for something, nothing, anything...I wrote a sad introduction about how pathetic I felt I was and how I had pretty much given up and planned my final journey in life. In that post from last July (which I just re-read), I talked about a plan that I had in place. I talked about letters which were written to those I'm leaving behind. I talked about mapping out my finances which would ensure that things I want to happen with my money would happen after my death. I talked about pre-paying my final expenses. Lastly, I talked about taking my one last trip with a friend, a trip that we've been talking about for years.

    Well, I did go on that long awaited trip. I got to see one final part of the world that I've wanted to see since I was a child. My feet walked on that ground, my body swam in that ocean, my face felt that warm breeze, my skin baked in the heat, my eyes were seeing things that most people will only ever dream about seeing...and it did NOTHING for my soul, my spirit, my being.

    My final expenses have not been pre-paid, I do have a stack of cash in my kitchen drawer to pay for everything though. I felt that going in to a funeral home to do so might raise a few red flags. So, I've left quite explicit instructions...all they have to do is have the decency to do what I want them to for a change.

    I have pretty much followed through with the preparing of this elaborate plan. To erase myself completely to see if anyone even noticed....all credit cards have been cleared up and canceled. All loans and credit lines paid and closed. All subscriptions to magazines, charitable donations, services like satellite radio...it's all been taken care of. There is literally nothing anyone will have to worry about after I'm gone, aside from sorting out my estate I suppose, for which I've left quite specific instructions.

    My hopes were that SOMEBODY would even care/notice/ask what the hell I was doing. I sold my place, sold all my things, moved briefly in with my family until I could find an apartment. I moved into this dump last August with no belongings aside from the bare essentials. In my plan, I decided that I didn't want anyone to be burdened with going through any of my stuff so I totally and completely purged everything. Everything that wasn't sold, like my personal things, they were packed into a few boxes and that was purged down further...four garbage bags of more erasing of me. All piled up in the back corner of my fathers garage with the other trash and not a question was asked. I even sold my big fancy luxury SUV and bought a completely ridiculous little sports car(which will be left to my niece, who will surely appreciate it more than that gas guzzling beast). Not a question was asked!! I have a folding lawn chair in my living room, a tv tray as my dining room, an air mattress for my bed, a lamp, a small suitcase with just enough clothing to fit into that suitcase and this laptop. About 10 things, one pair of shoes and some clothes, that's it...and no one even noticed or cared!!

    I have continued seeing a therapist. Not my original therapist, who moved onto greener pastures, but I started seeing the latest hot shot in town. I brought up this latest little bout of 'suicidal ideation' she called it, she didn't seem too concerned. She said that she would give me some information and a phone number for a hotline before I left the office. I left her office without ever getting the information or the hotline number. I skipped my appointment in January which means I haven't been there since the middle of December and I haven't even heard from her! Not even a call to bitch about the missed appointment.

    I've isolated myself to the point that the only person who has come here in the last two months is the bitchy resident manager to demand rent. My parents have popped by, but only my father came up, and that was just to use the washroom, he didn't even say anything about how sparse the apartment was. In comparison to my other place, you would think that someone would question my actions over the last 7 months, based solely on the condition of my current living space. I have a lot of friends and family in the city and only one friend has come by and he didn't even seem to care that one of us had to sit on the floor of the living room while we visited. This really got me to wonder, are they really my friends if they make absolutely no effort?? Why do I always have to be the one to visit, to call, to organize outings, to plan vacations. I've stopped doing these things about 8 months ago and not a single person questioned it. I went to my parents place for Christmas and when I left on the 28th of December it wasn't until the beginning of February that I got a text from my mother asking if I was alive. I wonder how long I would be hanging here before anyone would even know?

    So...here I am 7 months later, still alive and kicking. I was going to write alive and well, but that's not the case. I am not well, I am not happy, I am not fulfilled, I have no drive, I am tired and weak and I am just plain fed up!!! I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on....
  2. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    Hello wbbmlost,
    I am glad that you of reached out here. I am sorry that no one in real life is noticing your attempts at showing your pain. They may not know how or what to do to help though. I wish you did not feel this way. What has brought on these feelings in the last few years? This is a very good place to let that be known. No need to put on a happy face here.I have found it very comforting to be able to express myself honestly on SF, and that has resulted in me being able to do so more in "real Life". I have had the same problem with therapist in the past not reaching out when I quit going. I have now told my new therapist this and although I haven't missed an appointment yet, they do call weekly which my old one did not. Please keep posting here, as by posting and reading other posts here this has helped me honestly express myself to my psychologist which is now helping more than ever in the past. I really hope you may keep posting as to be able to start being honest with others about your pain. No need to put up a happy front when you do not feel that way. Wishing things were better for you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    People are too busy with their own pain hun they just don't see It is up to us to talk to people to make them aware of how we are doing. It is up to us to make them hear us and get us the help we deserve ok please hun only we can look after ourselves i have found that out so please you do the calls to a crisis line or doctor or ER and you go in and get the help the support that is there to get you feeling better. YOU deserve to feel well hun ok
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Wow. Just wow. Im going through this situation that kinda mirrors yours. Your not alone.

    Purged as much as I could. Theres absolutely nothing besides bare necessities. Wanted my car fully paid off buf its such a pos car that I was actually thinking of trading it in for a smaller car n have it fully paid for.

    Ive not talked to friends in like over few years. Cut all ties completely on facebook. Not one has asked me what happened to my account when I deleted it like 6 months ago. Ive not been talking to family at all. They dont even mention one thing about me having nothing. I disappeared the whole summer. Not one asked me what I did the whole summer. Not one.

    Dont want to hijack ur thread but just letting u know ur just not alone w the bs others just take us for granted. For me its end of the line once the dog dies. Maybe for you somehow there would be a hope for you.
  5. wbbmlost

    wbbmlost Member

    Thanks unionfalls, total eclipse and DrownedFishOnFire;

    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post. And, thanks especially to DrownedFish...it was very helpful to hear that there is someone out there that feels and understands what I'm going through.

    That is probably what makes this all so difficult. No one really understands! At least not anyone that I've come across face to face. I have a friend who I see regularly who also suffers from depression and may even be bi-polar, but we never talk about that stuff. It a topic that never comes up...and I certainly don't want to be the one to bring it up. I do understand his struggles a little and I just hate the thought of burdening him any more with my shit.

    I had a chance to get together with another close friend last night, we had dinner and then had a chance to visit and catch up. She knows a bit of what I've been going through the last few years. THe more that I opened up about what I was feeling, the more closed she seemed to become. She finally said to me "Maybe there's nothing wrong and it's all in your head!" She couldn't see my face directly, because she would have seen how much that hurt and how upsetting that was for me. It just really confirmed that even though I think that some of my 'closer' friends who I think understand...just DON'T have a clue. So anyway, my response to her was "yeah, I guess you're right, there isn't anything wrong and it's all in my head". I didn't even know what else to say!! So...she just kinda continued to babble on...while I sat there not listening anymore and silently just crumbled a little more inside. It's all in my head...
  6. It's not all in your head. It's very real and painful. I'm proud of you for talking about your experience. What you wrote helped me understand what it must be like for someone witnessing a real lack of concern and humanity in a real time of pain. I'm glad you're still here. Keep fighting you're worth it. You're beautiful to me
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