I'm still not over it.... *Very Triggering*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by LostInMyDaydreams, Mar 14, 2016.

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  1. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    I went in total isolation once I found out that my ex boyfriend was a Sociopath. I feel like I want to throw up, I feel sick to my stomach. I've been crying for weeks and everyone is trying to be there for me, however I know it's going to take awhile before I can heal. Especially since I've been isolating myself and not working on myself. Today is the first time I actually sat down and watched anime. Never do I do anything good for myself. In the back of my mind I always feel like I'm meant to suffer and not have any fun. Today I was on the verge of crying when I thought of my niece. Feel so horrible and I feel like a bad person. When she was here over the summer I was in such an emotional state, angry, depressed, full of anxiety, flashback's and had so many horrible nightmares. She's a child and she doesn't understand that stuff. Sure I could try talking to her, but I don't wanna upset her. This year I'm going to plan on making it the best summer for her.

    All day long I've been trying to find her last year's Elementary School picture and I can't find it anywhere. Just a few moments ago I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I'm such a horrible aunt....I lost her picture... I kept it on my night stand table and I know I didn't move it...

    My older brother hates my mother for some reason, he's been avoiding us all year and I haven't heard from my niece in months. I'm scared to death that I'll never see her again to tell her how sorry I am for the way I acted. She'll have this bad impression of me as the "crazy aunt" who can't keep herself together and is always on the back porch crying and blaming herself for everything. Once she heard me crying and than she started crying really badly. I had to pick her up and calm her down and tell her that everything is okay. Than she hugged me and said, I just hate when I see you cry, it makes me so sad... why are you always crying? She's only seven years old. What could I possibly say? How can I explain this to her? If anything I want to protect her from any abusive men out there, I don't want her going through the same thing I went through. I wasted five years of my life with someone....who did nothing but emotional and verbal abuse me.

    He gas lighted me, gave me the silent treatment, played with my emotions, threatened to leave me, sped very fast in the car to scare me, cleaned guns in front of me and he even made me hold a gun. He kept telling me to hold it over and over again. Once I held it, he told me, "Look at me! I want to take a picture of you!" He looked excited and happy, however my heart was beating and I felt sick. He kissed me and thanked me. Than he showed me the photo and I looked depressed in the photo. There was no happiness on my face whatsoever. I told someone about this and they down played it, "Maybe he just thinks girls holding guns is hot. You making too much of a big deal about this. Maybe he doesn't mean to be mean to you, maybe he's just playing around and your way too sensitive." Eventually I dropped that friend and I refuse to talk to him anymore. Anyone who keeps begging someone to hold a gun, when they clearly don't want too is horrible person! I seriously wanted to leave him, however at this point I was scared. He used emotional blackmail on me so many times, I was scared to death of him and I knew he was capable of so many things. He had his whole family and friends convinced that "I was the crazy one, how I'm abusing him and taking advantage of him." Once I went to the bathroom and I heard his mother and grandmother talking harshly about me. He had so many convinced that he was this perfect angel and how he never did anything wrong!

    He also was mean to animals. Once he made this dog so aggressive and he started wrestling around with it, making it so angry and than he pushed it away violently. I had to yell at him to stop and he said he was just playing around. Than moments later he stated, "If the dog gets really aggressive I'll just kill it, you know?" I looked at him shocked at what he just said. Once he saw me looking at him, he frowned and started ignoring me for hours. Than when he spoke to me again, I asked him about it and he said, "I never said that Samantha. Your obviously imagining things." The abuse got so much worse: kept telling me over and over again that "I was the crazy one" and how "I'm just seeing things, it's all in my head and that I'm imagining things." Kept repeating that anytime I asked him about anything....Reminded me of all my faults, pointed out all my mistakes that I made in my life, called me a harlot and read bible verses to me. Than he would go on and on about the Illuminati and if I ever tried to stop him from talking he would keep going on and on. Eventually I shut up and just let him speak cause I just wanted him to stop. Sometimes he would go on for 2 hrs talking about it and make me watch every single video about it. Being around him was so emotionally draining and I felt worn out and tired. If I got tired, he would wake me up. Than if I ever got sick, heh...he wasn't supportive of me at all. He'd yell at me and tell me to get up. I had to give him sex whenever he wanted it and if I didn't he would go on ranting and raving until I gave in. My parents hated him, cause when he came over I had to be out on the driveway and if I wasn't, he would yell at me. If anyone smiled at me anywhere he'd ask me, "How do you know them? They looked at you like they knew you? Did you sleep with them? Tell me! Did you?!!!" I would tell him, "No! I didn't!!" It didn't matter what I said, he never believed me. People keep telling me to get over it over and over again. It's seriously hard....the minute someone raises they're voice or says anything that I consider hurtful to me I break down in tears and think, "Omg I'm being abused again." Than I yell at the top of my lungs and tell them, "Stop abusing me!!" I've had so many of my friends calm me down and tell me how sorry they are. And lastly he raped me....but that's another story and I rather not get into that right now...maybe I'll post about it one day.... I think I'm done here now...
     
  2. Williamstuckinarut

    Williamstuckinarut Well-Known Member

    Omg he sounds like a total loser I am sorry you got hurt by this person. And I am glad it's over.
    I don't have much advice on overcoming this kind of issue but I bet you'll meet many people here that will share their own history of abuse and recovery.
    I admire how you are planning to be the best aunt you can be to your
    niece. I often have similar thoughts in mind about my 4 yo niece. I can see her telling me the exact same thing in a few years and can't let it happen.
    Take care I hope to hear you're doing better in the future!

    Willie
     
  3. ALostSoul

    ALostSoul Member

    You might not feel it now but you are on the start to a beautiful journey... he is gone from your life now. Your life is what you make it to be..
    Plan ahead.. so what makes YOU happy and when you are happy, your energy will make those around your happy. ie, Your niece.. when you are sad.. she is sad, but when you smile, I am sure she will smile to.
    Your past is a lesson for you to be stronger and learn from your mistake.. and to be honest, the only mistake you have made was to love someone who was not deserving of love.. which isn't your fault.
    You will think about what he did.. you will think about the abuse you received.. that IS normal.. but don't let your past control your future.

    .. I know this sounds weird but I envy you.. you now have your whole life ahead of you without anyone holding you back.

    Love yourselves.. first.
     
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so, so sorry for what that idiot put you through. Oh hun. I just want to *hug* you!

    What you are feeling now is a 'natural' reaction after all that you've been put through.
    You need all the help and support you can get to heal again. You've already taken a big step realizing how he abused you, even in the more 'subtle' ways. And you got away from him. You're on the right way. Don't forget that!!

    I know this sounds weird to you, but you being able to cry about this is a good thing, it means you can work on the emotions. Rather than to keep it all bottled up.

    Are you getting any professional help to get you through the PTSD you are suffering with? I really hope you are hun. I know this is hard to hear but it doesn't just go away on it's own... I wish it did, I hoped that for myself for so many years... but the truth is that it takes help to get away from all this.

    Abuse alters ones brain, especially long term abuse like you've been put through. You've lived for a long time in a high alert state and it has had an impact on you.
    But one thing to remember is that this is not where it has to end. You can get help and let yourself work on it and get better. You can learn coping methods and how to handle the flashbacks.

    It's not your fault. What he did to you was not your fault, none of it, not one single bit... and you crying now, breaking apart is not your fault either. You can still be a good aunt for your niece, and I bet you still are. You even saying that you want to be the best aunt possible tells me you are. You care!

    One thing to do to help yourself is to start doing little things for yourself. Pampering yourself. You could try some of these:
    (if you have an eating disorder please discard this:) eat something healthy that makes you feel good, or let yourself have some chocolate if you find that helps you.
    Give yourself a good foot massage, use some nice smelling cream
    Take some good showers with some nice soaps
    Use a mud mask treatment

    Doing things for yourself will help you... and hun, you do deserve it!


    Please be kind to yourself!
     
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