Im stood watching my life fall apart around me

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Lonely_Angel, Feb 9, 2008.

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  1. Lonely_Angel

    Lonely_Angel Guest

    Hiya, I guess im writing on here because I dont have anyone I can really talk too. For however long now, people have always seen me as "the strongest person they know". Mainly because after a childhood of deceit and abuse, I closed off my emotions. Sometimes I like to appear unemotional because I dont want people thinking I am as vulnerable as I was as a child and the main point I guess is that I dont want to be hurt. Throught my teens, this was a great coping mechanism but as ive become older, I am now starting to realise that my life isnt as complete as I thought it was and most of all that I am not as tough or as together as I may think.
    With regards to my past, ive never really talked about it. My way of dealing with things is to just blank them out and to be honest, I wouldnt even know where to start. I have constant flashbacks though, to the point I feel physically sick and if I have been placed in situtaions which remind me of the past I have had panick attacks, heart palpitations and even passed out on occassion. I know I should get help but I have tried on so many occassions and the thought of dredging it all up scares me to death because I know I am not emotionally strong enough to deal with it.
    The problem is though that all of these flashbacks etc have surfaced because of a recent issue. My cousin tried to commit suicide not so long ago and ever since all the stuff from the past has come back with full force. I cant seem to get past it and its starting to really affect my health. I cant sleep for flashbacks/nightmares and I am having constant panick attacks to the point its affecting my social life. I feel like im falling apart and I cant stop it. I know help is probably the answer but the thought of it scares me, talking about it all, getting upset, actually trusting someone enough to tell them it all. I dont think I could do it. Does anyone else feel the same or ever felt the same?
    Thanks for listening
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are having such a rough time...I used to get awful flashbacks and used to be triggered so often...I found talking about/ exploring what they meant and why I was set off has helped tremendously...are you in counselling or seeing a pdoc? these professionals may also have a positive impact on the situation...big hugs, J
  3. Lonely_Angel

    Lonely_Angel Guest

    Thankyou for your reply. I did have counselling right at the begining (many years ago now) and it did help but now as ive become older I guess I have become more scaed to seek help. And I know that the flashbacks have only started again since I nearly lost my cousin, I lost alot of people I was close to when the abuse came out and my cousin has been the closest person to me ever since. I guess the fear of loosing her, been in the hospital and seeing her attached to all the tubes (that was once me) it just brought it all back and its like it all happened yesterday. I think about it constantly during the day and at night I have dreams im in the hospital and my cousin is on life support and they tell me they have to switch the machine off and I wake up physically crying everytime. Its so real. Maybe I should look at getting help again but I just feel like im wasting their time because there are people worse off than me. My other fear is wondering if my cousin is going to do it again. I heard at the hospital that people who have attempted suicide are more likely to try again and this is her 3rd attempt. Thankyou again for your reply x
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Never think "others need it more than me" :hug: This traumatic past has and is still having far reaching effects on you and therefore you need help.
    It seems whenever we (humans) try to suppress something it comes right back to bite us in the arse, the only way to deal with it is to pull it out into the light of day and well deal with it.
    You can't do it on your own this needs someone to walk thru it with you and as Sadeyes said, a counsellor/therapist etc is the person to walk with you.:hug:

    As to your cousin, you can be there for them and support them, make sure they are getting help with what is obviously a profound depression but you cannot give them the will to live. Just make sure they are safe and that they know you are there. :hug:
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