I'm strange.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cooki, May 24, 2014.

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  1. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I feel a bit strange, because just one and a half weeks ago I was serious about killing myself, but it didn't work, so it felt a bit like I was in a middle-thing between being dead and alive. Somewhere between a strange dream and reality. And now, all of my suicidal thoughts are gone although it's kinda worse than beforethat failed attempt. I shouldn't have told the truth to anyone, in hospital I was told that it's not too bad and that the "damage" heals itself, so I didn't really need to go to the hospital. But I thought so, so I told my parents what I did, so that they would take me to a hospital or at least some doctor, but when they knew they didn't do anything and I kinda panicked, because my parents knew I tried to kill me without needing them to know...... And since that, they treat me like I was just a baby. This morning my dad came upstairs (I pretend to sleep, to see what he was doing) and checked my heartbeat to see if I was still alive.............. And my parents won't ever let me go outside again, I swear..! So yeah, I'm gonna be a loner again because I can't go meet up anyone anymore because of my parents. This is going to be the funniest part of my life, I guarantee it. I mean, I've been alone for almost my whole life, and I was okay with that. But then someone wanted to do something with me and we became friends, and she was the first person that ever hugged me (since I was two. My memory reaches back until my second birthday, but since that no one ever hugged me). But then she left, she had to move back to czech republic and left me here alone. I needed someone to listen to me, I needed someone to comfort me, just because I knew what that felt like now. So I went back to the library where I had always been with her, and there I kinda found friends, but now I'm alone again and I feel like I can't stand that another time.... The only person I have left is my boyfriend, but my parents keep telling me that it won't work for long because later on I would get a better job than him and if women get more money than their husbands that wouldn't work (my parents' logic, not my oppinion, but okay).
    Talking about jobs and work and stuff, I'm not sure what to make out of me. I'm not the standard version of a girl, partly that's good, but mostly it's bad. People don't like it if anyone is different than the standard. I would say that I'm clever, although I feel bad for saying so (I don't want to show off but it kinda feels like I did whenever I say that I'm smart and that makes me feel bad, because I think showing off makes me a bad person). I'm a maths-freak and I love chemistry and the english language and I'm creative, but I just can't find any job one can do that is creative, in english, needs maths and maybe chemistry, if you know what I mean. Another subject I love is IT, actually a good qualification for any job, but here's the standard again: people don't want women to do something that has to do with technology. Actually, what I would most want to do is singing, but I'm not gonna become a singer because I'm not a lucky person. I keep every door open as long as possible, I'm so goddamn affraid of having to choose which subjects to take for the grades 11 to 13 (I'm in 9th, we'll have to choose in 10th) because sometimes you need to have had a certain subject to apply for a certain job, and I'm affraid that I might choose the wrong subjects.....
     
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Hope you are doing as well as circumstances permit.

    I think it would be fun to visit Bohemia (Czech Rep.) to see the castle where Martinitz and Slavata were thrown out a high window, fell 17m, but survived and walked away because they landed in a pile of fresh horse shit. I think this event was called "the defenestration of Prague," and marked about when the Thirty Years war started in 1618.

    I like that story as an allegory for what happens in our lives, when we "throw ourselves out the window" but come out okay anyway.

    People like you, who can do mathematics, are valuable economically and I can see you're thinking about it. It sounds really good. It may be about 8 or 10 years before you have to face pressures from the professional job markets, which can be brutal. But women are going into math and computers now. There will be even more of them doing it in 2020 than now.

    Best wishes,
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Cooki - is it really true that "people don't want women to do something that has to do with technology." I think you're smart enough (if it is indeed true) to carry a blazing torch for female IT technicians :) Women can do anything these days, even if there are some archaic attitudes around in certain professions (like law, maybe politics etc. I would not have thought IT would be one of them) - please research the belief you have about it more thoroughly, you could be pleasantly surprised! :)
     
  4. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    People in my grade think that I've learned everything we do in the subject IT from my brother who is a grade above me. It's fun how I'm better at IT than my brother xD this subject has a lot to do with logical thinking, and not quite much with knowledge. That's why I love IT, since it is not one of these subjects one just has to learn everything by heart if one hasn't understood it. I like being "better" than my classmates, it makes me able to laugh about the dumb comments they always let out on me. I mean, I'm the only girl in the IT-class (our IT-class consists of the people of two classes who chose IT as third language. My grade consists of 4 classes, so we have two different IT-classes) and I'm better at that than the boys xD okay, let's say better than most of the boys :D
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, if that was me, I'd consider it a H U G E feather in my cap, Cooki! Well done!!!
     
  6. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Thanks :D
     
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