Im stuck between a rock and a black hole......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IdontMatter111, Oct 18, 2016.

  1. IdontMatter111

    IdontMatter111 Well-Known Member

    I usually avoid creating threads because I think noone will read it or reply to it because its me, but they will be sat there laughing at me and how pathetic I am. I dont even know why I am doing it this time......

    I have depression with Strong BPD traits. I self harm as a coping mechanism. I suffer with almost constant suicidal ideation. I take medication.

    I live in the U.K. I am under a community mental health team - I have a psychiatrist, psychologist, and a care co-ordinator. I recently told them that I had a plan and was feeling quite suicidal. I was asked 'well what do you want us to do for you?'. 'i think you should do some courses to look at your recovery'. I gave up....I am allegedly doing CBT which is sporadic at most. I started once before and then the tutor stopped it due to bad morning sickness....i tried to restart it but met a brick wall of silence (this was with a self-referral service). I did another course with them and in the feedback letter they attempted to say that i had not engaged????????wtf?????

    I have a daughter and a disabled husband who is in constant pain and has heart problems. I am a carer, mummy, and bredwinner. I feel completely overwhelmed all the time. I would have to do something very drastic to get myself to hospital and even then they would try to keep me at home. If i lost the plot i would end up losing my job and my family would lose the house etc. if I muddle on and just push everything further down, I risk the chance of giving in to the suicidal Ideation and strong feelings. I dont want to hurt my family and devestate my daughter but I dont know for how much longer i can keep going.....

    I feel like im overlooked and just left to get on with it because i dont scream and shout, but i am scared i will lose what little i do have if i complained......

    I am stuck whichever way I go. I have had enough of life.....of trying and being rejected....of accepting others yet not being accepted myself. I am a complete failure in life and of life and I truly wish I had never been born........
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Have you ever tried DBT? Hugs. Sorry you are feeling so bad. Do what is best for you. You matter to your family.
  3. IdontMatter111

    IdontMatter111 Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much for reading....
    I was told my self harm wasnt bad enough!! and that there was a long waiting list......I did ask them if i could do it....
  4. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sounds like medical care in your country is as rotten as it is the the US of A. I am sorry to hear that. No one should have to suffer so much. Have you looked into hypnosis. I believe some people have had success with that. Please take care of yourself.
    IdontMatter111 likes this.
  5. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am in the UK too and the mental health care was quite shocking for me. I was kicked off my counselling course for a similar reason to you, I "was not opening up". Lol, I opened up to her more than anyone else in my life and she comes out with that shit? As bad as it is, I would keep trying to get the help you deserve, because you really do. You have a lot on your plate at the moment and you could do with all the help you can get. Can I just say you're not a failure and not pathetic either, anytime you feel like writing here you should, this is the place to get it all out and it might take a while for a response sometimes but there is always people here that are reading and care. I just wanted to let you know I care too.
    IdontMatter111 likes this.
  6. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, mama. You don’t need to be hard on yourself. It’s obvious that you care so much for your family. Remember that you’re precious and no situation is hopeless. I just said a prayer for you, and I hope that God will surround you with His comfort and peace. Hugs!