I'm stuck, how can I change this?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LilacTree, Jan 6, 2014.

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  1. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    hello, I'm new here, I don't know exactly what to say, I think this will sound stupid but I can't find a way to die, I realized that there's no point in trying to fix myself, I wasted NY time with thus and I don't have energy left anymore neither a reason, I don't want reasons or to heard that life can be good, things can change etc. I don't know exactly what I want, maybe to know if there's anyone else in this situation to feel less bad about my self, it has to be, but any place I look the person always have something, a job, is married, I can't go to therapy or to ask for help away from here, no one knows about this and basically my anxiety reached the point where I don't leave the room anymore, but I obviously must, I can't do anything by myself, I don't want to try anymore, sorry for all of this, I guess I'm just venting, I even could explain myself, I'm sorry, I'll try to talk later
     
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    that's okay, vent away. This is the right place to do so. I got to say that I relate to a lot of what you've said. I have nothing, no one in my life, and I have generalized anxiety, social phobia among other things. So I don't go out often and socialize. At this moment I'm really down too, I just want the pain to go away, because it's too intense...

    I don't know why we hold on...I guess it depends, some days are better than others....keep venting away, we're listening :hug:
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is very hard if you are not talking to anybody about any of it. If you cannot talk to anybody there perhaps you can talk more on here as an outlet. I am glad you found us and hope venting here helps some.....
     
  4. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Thank you two for answering, I'm glad I found this place too, I'm sorry I talked so much and didn't even asked what I wanted, but I actually don't know what to ask, and there are so many grammar mistakes - I was writing in the cell phone - how awkward...

    Anyway, is that I got stuck, I'm simply just tired of trying, I used to be engaged in so many things to distract myself and to have something to do with my future and used all the opportunities I got to try fixing myself, but now I simply came back to zero, I'm actually feeling worse like all the energy I had was wasted, all that I tried is no longer an option and now I don't know what to do, all the feelings I have got worse and no one knows anything so I must keep living like there's anything happening and I just can't stand it anymore, each thing I have to do is like hell, I know it sounds too dramatic, it's that I have some issues like bpd and ocd, and I suspect I might have stpd too but I can't go to a therapist now to know it, and I can't even do some basic things, I'm already not living, I can't have any relationship, I can't find a job, I can't live by myself, I can't ask for help, and with the basic things, I can't even eat, it sounds stupid but it's being a big issue. It's been a long time I feel that I'm already dead and only need to get rid of my body, I thought the suicide part was going to be easier than the rest...

    I'm also, kind of... Hyper sensitive, even a word can trigger the worst of me, I can't stand any loud noise, they made me feel like a floating head once for example, looks like I'm always in the limit of a bad feeling, I can't find something in life to make me want to live.

    I always thought of myself as flawed but I thought I could change this or at least live with this not that it was a "throwing it in the garbage" situation...

    How can I change this? If I can't kill myself now, how can I live with these things? Just forcing to do things normally if I'm not normal only made them worse but seems to be no other way...

    Sorry for such a long post... This is so embarrassing…
     
  5. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Here I am again venting...
    That's it, I just can't find a way to suicide, I thought in so many ways, but when it's time to do it, I stop, I'm not afraid of death itself because I'm only seeing it as a relief, but I'm too coward to stand the pain, no matter how tempting it may be, I want that pain, but I'm just too weak and coward.
    I would like to do treatment, I would like if I have a way to live, if I could find a job I could do it, and that's the problem, I think I'm this flawed thing, I couldn't stand even the motorcycle noise or a word, a convesation, I think I'm just not supposed to be living, I don't feel like a normal person with problems, I feel more like a messy thing that for some nature mistake was born, I just don't want to live anymore, I'm too stupid and useless and I'm not supposed to be living, why can't I just die? I must find courage, it's going to be only one time thing anyway... I would like to just lose the control of all of this, I don't want to pretend everything is fine anymore.
    I can't believe I'm actually saying all of this... It sounds just so stupid...
     
  6. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I just wanted to tell you that I too relate to so much of what you're saying in your posts. I'm glad you found this place to talk. I wish I had more positive things to say that would help but but I wanted you to know that we're happy you're talking to us :)
     
  7. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Thank you, this is very sweet and comforting :)
     
  8. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Still venting, I hope I don't bother anyone...
    I'm reading that Lost All Hope website, it says some suicide is done on impulse and if some people thought about it better they would not kill themselves, well, at least for me is not because there's a part of me wanting to live, but because I lose the courage, I don't have the opportunity to do it on impulse but I can't stop thinking about it, than it makes me lose the courage... And I get it, "suicide is bad", but if I can't kill myself so I would like to have a way to live, people don't offer any help, I mean, on the internet we can find more people who knows what we are talking about and can support us, but in reality, close to friends and family, we don't have any solution and we can't pretend forever, we should have the right to kill ourselves, like "you don't want to live, come here and we'll euthanise you", I know this is nonsense, but if we don't have this option why can't we get help? People expect us to live normally, to not feel any of this, they pretend isn't happening and come with retarded comments like "it's so selfish", yes, ten years wanting to die, trying to fix it, asking for help because I can't stand this and don't know how to solve it, but you would miss me right? You expect to do emotional blackmail with a stupid comment like this and just leave things they way they are and I am the selfish one.
    Reading about ways to cope with it isn't helping, I can find things to distract myself, but I'll still have to live.
     
  9. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I'm glad you found comfort yesterday even if it was for just a moment :) We all deserve to be able to have some. And never worry that your venting here will bother anyone :) I just wish so much that I could have a nice neat solution that would help you feel better :(
     
  10. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    It's ok, thank you again, I wish I could help too, some years ago I thought I was being able to recover from it and I thought about becoming a therapist, it's ironic and I'm feeling quite bad for this now ):
     
  11. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    Why would the thought of being a therapist be bad? :)
     
  12. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Is not the thought of being a therapist, is about wanting to be one before and now wanting to die, also these days I tried to help a friend of mine and he got angry at me, I sound very confusing and I have social phobia, I'm worried that I could be a bad one :redface:
     
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    how will you know unless you try?
     
  14. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I'm sorry your friend got angry at you for trying to help.. :( Maybe he just isnt ready for people to help him with whatever it is yet?
     
  15. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    demuredawn, you're right, I just got worried that I could cause more harm than good, but I will learn how to be a therapist, so I won't let this happen.

    SillyKitty, I have the bad habit of trying to help people who didn't asked for help, I got worried about him and he didn't say he didn't want to talk, but this doesn't mean he wanted too, I need to pay more attention to this habit and just let people know they can talk to me...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2014
  16. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    Well I know for me even when I don't ask sometimes I still need help. I'm just not good at asking for it. So its good that you tried. At least now he knows you care and hopefully will ask for help when he is ready to accept it :) Don't let him getting angry over it get you down. Important thing is you tried :)
     
  17. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Thank you, this really cheered me up :)
     
  18. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I'm really glad to help :)
     
  19. LilacTree

    LilacTree Member

    Haha, now I'm feeling selfish, I was thinking about it and everyone is living normally their lifes and suddenly someone they love commits suicide, it is painful.
    Why am I stating the obvious?
    Is just odd to see that no one suspects that this is going to happen and no one will understand why. Life is just going, without any difference.
    I just thought I should say it because of what I said before.

    Also, as you can see I was in a horrible mode, I hope no one thinks I was being dramatic or wanting pity or anything, we are in a suicide forum so I think there's no necessity to say this because you people can understand me, but I read in another place about people only being dramatic and this got in my head...

    Sorry for asking this but if someone is going to answer could you please don't say anything triggering? I mean, getting angry at me or something... I'm getting "triggered" easily this days :x

    ------
    btw Is everything fine between my friend and I now :D just happy
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2014
  20. SillyKitty

    SillyKitty Member

    I'm glad to hear about your friend :) thats good news :) and I know I'll try not to respond to you in an angry fashion. It makes me upset too :)
     
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