..and I hate every fucking second of it. Its only been within the last few days that these feelings have started to arise, but with each day passed it's gotten stronger and stronger. Its, like, on Thursday I was in bliss. Everything had gone so well, but then on Friday it took a complete U-turn and I started to feel like shit. Why must this always happen? I'm obviously meant to be unhappy for life, so yeah, let it be. I'll stay unhappy for life if thats what it takes to keep people happy. My head is all over the place, it's such a mess. I have crazy feelings going all over me telling me to do stuff to myself, to make things better. I know they're wrong, but to me they feel so right. I want to do them, and I've come so close to doing them tonight. I just want to grab that knife, that alcohol, those pills - end it all, I want it to end. I can't think straight. Why must I be like this, a big fat, stinking pile of worthless, braindead shit? I really loved her, and I still do. She wants pretty much fuck all to do with me, and if she does then she has a funny way of showing it. I don't know what to think anymore. Right now, I think everyone is against me. Everyone who ever said they loved or love me is a liar. They're fakes, frauds, scheming and manipulative. I can't think. I can't think. I CAN'T THINK!