I'm doing well in school for the most part, a few things weigh on me though they are not the majority of my worries. My birthday is coming up in a month, so why should I not be happy; although I do find myself saying that to me each year. My family is supportive, I suppose. I just don't feel them. I don't "love" them. I don't know what "love" is. And yet, I find myself saying it to them. Though, I'm sure i do it purely to hide from them my inability to comprehend or truly say with meaning that word. love. I can't speak honestly anymore. Even in subconcious i feel what is being said or thought is a lie. Its all what they want to hear. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to tell the truth and open up a little. When I try or feel like I should try, I can't seem to get the courage to get the words out of me. I can't go on like this..... I don't like me. I feel like I can't go through life with myself. I can't stand myself. How do I get away from me? I know I am my worst enemy and yet I'm always with me. Why can't I just die..... I have several ideas on my plan of action to escape myself.... I've attempted several times before, but they were when I was younger and more unaware of what was an appropriate amount of effort to complete a suicide. I am more aware now, and less impulsive to utilize such means, though ready to get away from me when the time is right. But thats the problem. I'm in purgatory now. I'm waiting for something to set me off, a good reason to rid the world of me. I'm just so clueless as to what to do now. I know I should bring this up with my parents and tell them, but how do I tell them that I can't live with myself? How do I explain that their daughter hates herself so much she wants to die? How do I begin to tell them when I can't even force the words to come out of me? I've been hospitalized once before, but only for a week. It didnt help me as much as they think it did.....the hospital program was lacking in how it was to help their patients...the staff was alright but didnt care...the only therapy there was, was group therapy where the discussion ended up being about what our dogs looked like. I dont know a "good" psychiatric hospital around Las Vegas.......I'm only 16 as of now, I'll be 17 near the end of October. I don't want to go but I know i've only got two options: 1) suicide 2) short-term or long-term hospitalization I dont know what to do. I'm just waiting for now I suppose. Like I said, I guess Im just wondering how to bring this sore subject up to my parents...........they know I used to cut myself and all that bullshit...and maybe that would be a good suicide detterent...I dont know... I took the liberty of taking myself to the last hospital, though that was a waste as I said before. How do I go about telling them that I don't know how to escape myself?