im stuck in a sense.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by patodemuerte, Sep 30, 2007.

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  1. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    I'm doing well in school for the most part, a few things weigh on me though they are not the majority of my worries.

    My birthday is coming up in a month, so why should I not be happy; although I do find myself saying that to me each year.

    My family is supportive, I suppose. I just don't feel them. I don't "love" them. I don't know what "love" is. And yet, I find myself saying it to them. Though, I'm sure i do it purely to hide from them my inability to comprehend or truly say with meaning that word. love.

    I can't speak honestly anymore. Even in subconcious i feel what is being said or thought is a lie. Its all what they want to hear. I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to tell the truth and open up a little. When I try or feel like I should try, I can't seem to get the courage to get the words out of me. I can't go on like this.....

    I don't like me. I feel like I can't go through life with myself. I can't stand myself. How do I get away from me? I know I am my worst enemy and yet I'm always with me. Why can't I just die.....

    I have several ideas on my plan of action to escape myself.... I've attempted several times before, but they were when I was younger and more unaware of what was an appropriate amount of effort to complete a suicide. I am more aware now, and less impulsive to utilize such means, though ready to get away from me when the time is right.

    But thats the problem. I'm in purgatory now. I'm waiting for something to set me off, a good reason to rid the world of me.

    I'm just so clueless as to what to do now. I know I should bring this up with my parents and tell them, but how do I tell them that I can't live with myself?
    How do I explain that their daughter hates herself so much she wants to die?
    How do I begin to tell them when I can't even force the words to come out of me?

    I've been hospitalized once before, but only for a week. It didnt help me as much as they think it did.....the hospital program was lacking in how it was to help their patients...the staff was alright but didnt care...the only therapy there was, was group therapy where the discussion ended up being about what our dogs looked like.

    I dont know a "good" psychiatric hospital around Las Vegas.......I'm only 16 as of now, I'll be 17 near the end of October. I don't want to go but I know i've only got two options:

    1) suicide

    2) short-term or long-term hospitalization

    I dont know what to do. I'm just waiting for now I suppose.

    Like I said, I guess Im just wondering how to bring this sore subject up to my parents...........they know I used to cut myself and all that bullshit...and maybe that would be a good suicide detterent...I dont know... I took the liberty of taking myself to the last hospital, though that was a waste as I said before.

    How do I go about telling them that I don't know how to escape myself?
  2. j86

    j86 Well-Known Member

    We were in a completely similar situation when it came to age.
    When I was around 17, it was my first time having enough of "everything" and I let loose.

    17 was the age in which I was first put into a hospital but I don't think that was the answer.

    Honestly, I was in an emotional crisis and I wanted answers (in which I still am searching for) - why I feel this way.

    A good first start in getting help would be to talk to a therapist. Once you open up to him/her, you will get all the resources you need for further information on getting the help you need.
  3. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    I dont think that its that I want answers all too much. I know why I'm like this. I'm like this because I can't stand to be me. I hate myself and cant find a way to get away from me. I refuse to live my life with the one I hate most just to find out in 15 years that the hope I was hoping for a shimmer of, just lead me to be a failure anyway and that my time was wasted.

    I'm like this because I've never really known another way to live. I've been like this since I was 12......... I don't see me changing, I don't see me finding the motivation to change this.

    Even if I were to change, I feel it wouldnt be enough. Nothing is ever good enough for me or meets my standards. People are too slow or dont have enough common sense to be around me. I dont get much social activity because nothing is good enough. I have no friends. I refuse to talk with the immature pieces of shit that continuously walk around claiming that if they dont get the dress they want for homecoming it will be the end of the world. That they hope their boyfriend loves them, when he's 16 and really only wants some pussy. I refuse to befriend those fools.

    theres much more to tell though I feel I've said enough for now.

    I just need to stop being so indecisive.

    To be or not to be?
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2007
  4. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    Now that 'IS' the question....:unsure:
  5. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    Could it be that no one here can help me? why is it that i've not got a useful answer people dont give a shit. or you just dont have the answers im looking for. I believe you do, that im just not looking at my situation from the appropriate point of view, that would be why I came here looking for someone who had a better idea.

  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to you on the family issue. I was lucky, I think, and never tried to make these issues prevalant with my family.

    As for how to tell them? Why do you need to tell them? Me personally I wouldn't do that. That will only cause unnessicary worry and anxiety on their part. It could also draw unwanted attention to you. Not to mention it will make them feel like failures. Most parents feel like failures when their children do not love life.

    Now how to escape? Hmmm... have you ever thought about just disappearing? You know one day you just up and leave for someplace new? Just hitting the restart button on your life? While VERY expensive that might be the best option. To to someplace far away... you mention Vegas.. why not move to New Jersy? In America you would be suprised at how different the east and west are.

    A simpler less stressful plan would be to identify what you hate about yourself, and then going about and fixing it. When I took psychology 101 in college my professors said that depressed people can list what they hate about themselves. So start with the small tangible things. Me for instance, the one thing I hate about myself is my body. And by standards I am not that bad but I hate not being what the media portrays. So I am trying to become what I think I should be. Now will this help? Who knows? But if anything it might help fix me a little bit.

    I guess in the end we are who we are. Our past experiences in life dictate how we live.... I wish I could give you a better answer...
  7. Ninja

    Ninja Active Member

    Pato...things will get better as you get older I promise. I'm only 4 years older than you, and between the ages of 16 and 20 are when I made some of my greatest transitions. I'm guessing you're still in highschool. But when you become more independent things will really begin to look up and the sun will shine upon you.
  8. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    Its not this point in life. My life is great, a lot better than most. Ive got parents who love and support me and brothers that act like brothers and are assholes some of the time, though i know theyre there for me if necessary.

    Its not that.

    Its me. Its my inability to cope with myself being near me all the time. I cant escape my thoughts or myself. I dont feel for those who love me. I dont know how to love them back. I feel like im living with a bunch of empty entities. Like everyones just hollow, no ones there, I'm literally alone in this world.

    Even now, i dont believe any of you are real. This is all just a big messed up dream.

    But i cant say any of this to anyone without being hauled away in a straight jacket. Don't say they wont because they will, even now i can feel the tension of this subject swelling up inside me because i know everyone else around me will percieve this as completely paranoid and insane.
  9. mango_goose

    mango_goose Active Member

    I doubt any one on this site will have the answers that you want to here...
    WE are all here to just support each other threw the difficult times..
    The answer thats right for me, Is probably wrong for you, since you are a totally differant person from me.
    Also alot of us still havent found our own answers yet... Its just a matter of supporting each other till we find the answers our selves
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow, I can understand how you feel all to well. I feel the same way. I have things WAY better than most I should be happy... but I am not... I guess I try, so very hard, to believe it is because I am just human. It hurts me to think that all I have would be more than enough to make someone else content with life.

    I also do not know how to love back. I guess I never learned.... I feel bad because right now if anyone died in my family or within my friends I cannot see myself being sad... I would just say "Oh..." as where if my Cat died or I lost my Mickey-kun again.... I might actually kill myself.

    We are our own worst critic friend. And I find that there are two kinds of people in the world... those who love themselves and those who hate themselves...... I am not sure how to make you hate yourself less... because I cannot make myself hate myself less... but I think there is a way.

    Just hang in there friend, try occupying your mind with other stuff...
  11. ihope2die

    ihope2die Active Member

    i concur...
  12. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Well, look where you are here. Most here can't help themselves......including myself. We are all here for various reasons. Many of us are trying to find our way through the blackness. Some are just resigned to hopelessness and just want the world to know how they feel.

    You mentioned that you don't know "love". Let me ask you. If you awoke tomorrow morning and your family were suddenly gone, would you miss them? And if so, what would you do to have them back?
  13. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    I really think that I'd wonder where they were but, I believe it would release me from whats keeping me here. There'd be no more worry about how it would affect my family psychologically, because only one person needs to commit suicide because of me.
  14. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Isn't that kind of what love is? Concern? Caring? Could it be that you want to detach from them because something within you is telling you that's the only way you could do it? In other words, is it possible that you're trying to convince yourself that you don't love them?
  15. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    No its just attatchment, its feeling bad because they cant help me.

    Love is being able to say it to them when I walk out the door and mean it, not have to second guess it. A normal person wouldnt second guess their love for THEIR family....
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