I'm Such A Fuck Up

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by }{Feather Pen}{, Jun 1, 2007.

  1. I can't do anything right. Everyone hates me. My mother is especially gonna hate me when she finds out. I was supposed to take her this week to my sister's house to clean it for fifty dollars and I was gonna do it this morning but when I text my sister and told her that she said she had already gotten someone else to do it. My mother's gonna hate me... I just cheated her out of fifty dollars cause I'm fat and lazy and selfish. Even I hate myself. I hate my job. My job hates me. People on this frickin forum hate me. God-damn, I just want to die. I can't keep my cats alive, my grandmother won't let me have an inside puppy even though she let Misty have one. But she always favored Misty over me. She favors all my sister's over me. They don't care about my privacy, my feelings. I'm practically having to force my father to give me money for my senior year of high school cause it's said to be the most expensive year. I'll be eighteen in thirteen days and no one even gives a damn. Mark's the only one that cares but has anyone bothered to even try help me plan a little party for myself? No. I'll more than likely be at home alone that night drinking a Red Headed Bitch thinking about committing suicide. I do it every day I go to town. Between Petal and Richton, there's this big pond thingy right on the left side of the road. I think to myself, every time I pass it, I wonder what would happen if I just drove off the road into that pond? Would I drown quickly? Would I chicken out, bust out a window, and swim out? Would the impact of the water kill me instantly? Would a passerby stop and jump in to save me? What? I think about doing it every day, even though I think drowning would be last way I would want to die. My cousin died that way. Caught a cramp swimming across a lake and drowned, taking his friend down with him when he went to save him. I had a dream last night that I caved and cut my arms to pieces. Then Mark found out. He cut two big, thick, deep gashes into both his arms as payback for cutting myself, as he promised he'd do. Even in my fucking dreams I can't do any goddamn thing right. I just want to die.
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    I'm sorry that my reply to this post is late, how are you doing now? I hope things have improved for you since you posted this? :hug:

    I can understand and relate to what you say about feeling like you can't do anything right, but please rest assured that not everybody hates you. I know that sometimes people can behave in a way that finds it hard to believe that they don't hate us.. but if it helps at all, I most certainly do not hate you. Far from it.. I'm actually genuinely worrying and thinking about you now, hoping that you're doing 'ok'.

    How did things go with your mum? Did she takes the news about the cleaning ok?

    I really hope that things look up for you soon.. It saddens me that you are seriously contemplating hurting yourself and even ending your life. Is there anyone in 'real life' who knows how much you are hurting?

    We're always here if you want to talk
    Jenny xx
  3. No one listens to me. They all think there's nothing wrong with me even though I really think there is. I can't find my meds and my bf doesn't want me ltaking them He just sent me this: "Screw meds u don't need no med's if you'd stop being a pushover 2 ur family u might actually get somewhere"

    Everyone fucking hates me... And now I hate me too...
  4. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that you are having a rough time.
    Your boyfriend doesn't sound like a very healthy person to be around. It's down right manipulative for him to give you an ultimatum "every time that you cut I will cut". He honestly doesn't know what you do and don't need escpecially when it comes to your medication. In the end it puts more stress on you .
    Remember you are responsible for you, and you first. You didn't "cheat" your mom out of any money. It's not your fault that your sister chose someone else to clean her house. Your sister needed it done when she needed it done. You can't drop everything just to drive your mother somewhere she is a grown woman.
    I have a lot of the same feelings to when driving wondering what would happen if I veer off the road and sometimes when I'm feeling bad it's very tempting but try not to let the thought consume you.
    I can definitely relate to a lot of the way you are feeling, but you aren't a bad or unlikeable person in the least in fact reading your posts I find you to be a very kind and caring individual.
    For your birthday even if you spend the night home alone maybe you can make it special. Watch your favorite movie, fix your favorite food, put together a nice birthday playlist to listen to while you take a relaxing bath/shower.
    If you ever need to talk anytime I am just a pm away :hug:
  5. It's about to get worse. It's all about to get worse. My mother is leaving with her boyfriend again for a couple of days. WHILE HER FATHER IS IN THE HOSPITAL. I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown. They're gonna blame me for her going. It's gonna be my fault. I should have stopped her, I should have told James to leave, I should have called the police. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do.
  6. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault. You don't have any control over your mother and her decisions to leave or stay. She is a grown woman.
    It probably happened so fast that by the time they got there your mom and James would have probably already left.
    She isn't your responsibility, you aren't her mother