Hey y'all!
It's a pretty huge text, so that's ok if you don't want to read it. I feel better in just have wrote it down, so if you allow it, you are already helping.
I was unsure if I should create a thread for a while, but now I feel so much that I need to speak out. And there's where my troubles start.
I have low self-esteem and am complexed. I don't feel like I worth a thread or your help and time. And I also don't think that my problems are that big, but at the very same time they make me feel so bad. I guess I'm just depressed with no great reason and that makes me sad, what is kind funny 'cause it's a cycle. Sometimes I just find myself sad and I wonder "Hey, what's wrong with you? Pull yourself together." and I find out that those few times I'm just sad with no reason. What makes me even sadder 'cause I think of those who lost their parents, who have nothing to eat, you know... But then I remember what a brazilian writter wrote once that is: "No emotion is trivial if it is authentic." and then I feel ok 'cause I feel authentic with my sadness.
I feel like I should tell you the reasons I think my depression stands for. My dad was never much time at home, he was always working, what I think is ok, 'cause he was working to give us a good life. He also was never at home in my birthday. Not a single one. He always got to be at São Paulo in these fixed days to a national meeting of his work. And now he moved to Africa. I only see him for a week or two at the christmas and new year. My mom is ok, she talks a lot of religion while I'm an atheist and I try to think it's ok, 'cause that's the only subject she has to have a conversation and be close of us (me and my sister) since she spends a lot a time at church. I don't like to talk about my personal stuff with her. And I really think I don't like her and I feel like I couldn't help it. I don't like her voice, her mood, her thoughts... And that makes me feel guilty, so I try to chill out and accept her, which I obviously can't but I try. I'm also a homossexual. Nowadays it's ok, but I've suffered greatly because of this. I guess my depression started the days when I realized that. Only my new gays friends now that, and even I'm being ok with this I still fell guilty regardless. I still virgin and I've never been in a relationship. I'm ok with this, it's kind of my choose. I also think I'm too ugly to date these ones that I wanted to. My whole life I've been moving between towns distant from each other, what made me lose my friends, my knowledge about the city, everything. So I don't have close friends or childhood friends, which I wanted so badly to have. Now it seems that everyone is taken as bff also, lol. I always wanted to become a airliner pilot, but it's too expensive and I'll have to move again, so I'm giving up of this dream too. And finaly, my sister. She's a teenager that I think is becoming suicidal also, but the bad kind (if there's a good one). She likes these obscure stuff, skulls, being alone at the dark room at night... What makes me think hers is just a phase. She's also bissexual. What would be ok to me if I weren't already gay. I mean, how painful is to a mom and dad know her/his child is homossexual? Now make it double. I suffer for that and I even considered dating womans just because of it.
So, since my first depressing thought to now I've considered suicide thrice (Two of them of one suicide method and the other one, the newer, anoter). I think it's not allowed to us to talk about method here, am I right? So, my first time considering I wrote a letter, cried rivers and started searching until I found a non agressive to body and painless method. But then I suddenly stop being suicidal (continued depressed). The second time I searched so hard at the method that I found a korean website with a calculator of the amout of the substance that I would need based in my conditions. When i pressed submit and I saw my result I got t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. I cried so hard at that moment. It was like my life was already over. I was so terrified that I didn't. I was scared. But this month these thoughts came back. I searched another painless method and this one can maybe make my family and friends think it wasn't a suicide, but I think it's not happening 'cause I'll exclude my profile at facebook, twitter, stuff, throw away old noteboks and anotations, and format my pc. I don't want much memory arround when I leave. I'm thinkin in even don't write a note, 'cause it just don't come to me like the very first one and 'cause I don't want to throw me to the free interpretation and probabily misunderstoods that I won't be able to correct. I even rehearsed how would it be and I was so calm and methodical. So then I bought the substance today. I was so scared that I had to try it twice until I successfuly buy it. Now it's on my closet and I'm here. Writing. Frightened. Spineless. Wanting it, but at the same time afraid. What if it doesn't go alright, what if there's actually a god, will I go to hell? How mom, dad, my sister and my friends gonna be, what will they think? Was my last days the days I wanted to be my last days? I think this is the question which keep me here the most. I think I got to be a sweet with my family, get my friends togheter to a great meeting and then I'll be confortable to do it.
I don't know what I want you to say. I told you guys my intire life and reasons. So I'll let you say whatever you want to. It got really huge and I'm sorry for that and VERY thankfull if you read everything, even you never had the obigation to read. That means that you care to me more than most of my friends. It's ok if you don't know what to say or jumped any part, I really understand you.
Love always,
<I got to think a pseudonym to put here>
It's a pretty huge text, so that's ok if you don't want to read it. I feel better in just have wrote it down, so if you allow it, you are already helping.
I was unsure if I should create a thread for a while, but now I feel so much that I need to speak out. And there's where my troubles start.
I have low self-esteem and am complexed. I don't feel like I worth a thread or your help and time. And I also don't think that my problems are that big, but at the very same time they make me feel so bad. I guess I'm just depressed with no great reason and that makes me sad, what is kind funny 'cause it's a cycle. Sometimes I just find myself sad and I wonder "Hey, what's wrong with you? Pull yourself together." and I find out that those few times I'm just sad with no reason. What makes me even sadder 'cause I think of those who lost their parents, who have nothing to eat, you know... But then I remember what a brazilian writter wrote once that is: "No emotion is trivial if it is authentic." and then I feel ok 'cause I feel authentic with my sadness.
I feel like I should tell you the reasons I think my depression stands for. My dad was never much time at home, he was always working, what I think is ok, 'cause he was working to give us a good life. He also was never at home in my birthday. Not a single one. He always got to be at São Paulo in these fixed days to a national meeting of his work. And now he moved to Africa. I only see him for a week or two at the christmas and new year. My mom is ok, she talks a lot of religion while I'm an atheist and I try to think it's ok, 'cause that's the only subject she has to have a conversation and be close of us (me and my sister) since she spends a lot a time at church. I don't like to talk about my personal stuff with her. And I really think I don't like her and I feel like I couldn't help it. I don't like her voice, her mood, her thoughts... And that makes me feel guilty, so I try to chill out and accept her, which I obviously can't but I try. I'm also a homossexual. Nowadays it's ok, but I've suffered greatly because of this. I guess my depression started the days when I realized that. Only my new gays friends now that, and even I'm being ok with this I still fell guilty regardless. I still virgin and I've never been in a relationship. I'm ok with this, it's kind of my choose. I also think I'm too ugly to date these ones that I wanted to. My whole life I've been moving between towns distant from each other, what made me lose my friends, my knowledge about the city, everything. So I don't have close friends or childhood friends, which I wanted so badly to have. Now it seems that everyone is taken as bff also, lol. I always wanted to become a airliner pilot, but it's too expensive and I'll have to move again, so I'm giving up of this dream too. And finaly, my sister. She's a teenager that I think is becoming suicidal also, but the bad kind (if there's a good one). She likes these obscure stuff, skulls, being alone at the dark room at night... What makes me think hers is just a phase. She's also bissexual. What would be ok to me if I weren't already gay. I mean, how painful is to a mom and dad know her/his child is homossexual? Now make it double. I suffer for that and I even considered dating womans just because of it.
So, since my first depressing thought to now I've considered suicide thrice (Two of them of one suicide method and the other one, the newer, anoter). I think it's not allowed to us to talk about method here, am I right? So, my first time considering I wrote a letter, cried rivers and started searching until I found a non agressive to body and painless method. But then I suddenly stop being suicidal (continued depressed). The second time I searched so hard at the method that I found a korean website with a calculator of the amout of the substance that I would need based in my conditions. When i pressed submit and I saw my result I got t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. I cried so hard at that moment. It was like my life was already over. I was so terrified that I didn't. I was scared. But this month these thoughts came back. I searched another painless method and this one can maybe make my family and friends think it wasn't a suicide, but I think it's not happening 'cause I'll exclude my profile at facebook, twitter, stuff, throw away old noteboks and anotations, and format my pc. I don't want much memory arround when I leave. I'm thinkin in even don't write a note, 'cause it just don't come to me like the very first one and 'cause I don't want to throw me to the free interpretation and probabily misunderstoods that I won't be able to correct. I even rehearsed how would it be and I was so calm and methodical. So then I bought the substance today. I was so scared that I had to try it twice until I successfuly buy it. Now it's on my closet and I'm here. Writing. Frightened. Spineless. Wanting it, but at the same time afraid. What if it doesn't go alright, what if there's actually a god, will I go to hell? How mom, dad, my sister and my friends gonna be, what will they think? Was my last days the days I wanted to be my last days? I think this is the question which keep me here the most. I think I got to be a sweet with my family, get my friends togheter to a great meeting and then I'll be confortable to do it.
I don't know what I want you to say. I told you guys my intire life and reasons. So I'll let you say whatever you want to. It got really huge and I'm sorry for that and VERY thankfull if you read everything, even you never had the obigation to read. That means that you care to me more than most of my friends. It's ok if you don't know what to say or jumped any part, I really understand you.
Love always,
<I got to think a pseudonym to put here>
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