I'm such a mess inside

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mikest8, Jun 5, 2011.

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  1. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    Hey y'all!
    It's a pretty huge text, so that's ok if you don't want to read it. I feel better in just have wrote it down, so if you allow it, you are already helping.

    I was unsure if I should create a thread for a while, but now I feel so much that I need to speak out. And there's where my troubles start.
    I have low self-esteem and am complexed. I don't feel like I worth a thread or your help and time. And I also don't think that my problems are that big, but at the very same time they make me feel so bad. I guess I'm just depressed with no great reason and that makes me sad, what is kind funny 'cause it's a cycle. Sometimes I just find myself sad and I wonder "Hey, what's wrong with you? Pull yourself together." and I find out that those few times I'm just sad with no reason. What makes me even sadder 'cause I think of those who lost their parents, who have nothing to eat, you know... But then I remember what a brazilian writter wrote once that is: "No emotion is trivial if it is authentic." and then I feel ok 'cause I feel authentic with my sadness.
    I feel like I should tell you the reasons I think my depression stands for. My dad was never much time at home, he was always working, what I think is ok, 'cause he was working to give us a good life. He also was never at home in my birthday. Not a single one. He always got to be at São Paulo in these fixed days to a national meeting of his work. And now he moved to Africa. I only see him for a week or two at the christmas and new year. My mom is ok, she talks a lot of religion while I'm an atheist and I try to think it's ok, 'cause that's the only subject she has to have a conversation and be close of us (me and my sister) since she spends a lot a time at church. I don't like to talk about my personal stuff with her. And I really think I don't like her and I feel like I couldn't help it. I don't like her voice, her mood, her thoughts... And that makes me feel guilty, so I try to chill out and accept her, which I obviously can't but I try. I'm also a homossexual. Nowadays it's ok, but I've suffered greatly because of this. I guess my depression started the days when I realized that. Only my new gays friends now that, and even I'm being ok with this I still fell guilty regardless. I still virgin and I've never been in a relationship. I'm ok with this, it's kind of my choose. I also think I'm too ugly to date these ones that I wanted to. My whole life I've been moving between towns distant from each other, what made me lose my friends, my knowledge about the city, everything. So I don't have close friends or childhood friends, which I wanted so badly to have. Now it seems that everyone is taken as bff also, lol. I always wanted to become a airliner pilot, but it's too expensive and I'll have to move again, so I'm giving up of this dream too. And finaly, my sister. She's a teenager that I think is becoming suicidal also, but the bad kind (if there's a good one). She likes these obscure stuff, skulls, being alone at the dark room at night... What makes me think hers is just a phase. She's also bissexual. What would be ok to me if I weren't already gay. I mean, how painful is to a mom and dad know her/his child is homossexual? Now make it double. I suffer for that and I even considered dating womans just because of it.
    So, since my first depressing thought to now I've considered suicide thrice (Two of them of one suicide method and the other one, the newer, anoter). I think it's not allowed to us to talk about method here, am I right? So, my first time considering I wrote a letter, cried rivers and started searching until I found a non agressive to body and painless method. But then I suddenly stop being suicidal (continued depressed). The second time I searched so hard at the method that I found a korean website with a calculator of the amout of the substance that I would need based in my conditions. When i pressed submit and I saw my result I got t-e-r-r-i-f-i-e-d. I cried so hard at that moment. It was like my life was already over. I was so terrified that I didn't. I was scared. But this month these thoughts came back. I searched another painless method and this one can maybe make my family and friends think it wasn't a suicide, but I think it's not happening 'cause I'll exclude my profile at facebook, twitter, stuff, throw away old noteboks and anotations, and format my pc. I don't want much memory arround when I leave. I'm thinkin in even don't write a note, 'cause it just don't come to me like the very first one and 'cause I don't want to throw me to the free interpretation and probabily misunderstoods that I won't be able to correct. I even rehearsed how would it be and I was so calm and methodical. So then I bought the substance today. I was so scared that I had to try it twice until I successfuly buy it. Now it's on my closet and I'm here. Writing. Frightened. Spineless. Wanting it, but at the same time afraid. What if it doesn't go alright, what if there's actually a god, will I go to hell? How mom, dad, my sister and my friends gonna be, what will they think? Was my last days the days I wanted to be my last days? I think this is the question which keep me here the most. I think I got to be a sweet with my family, get my friends togheter to a great meeting and then I'll be confortable to do it.
    I don't know what I want you to say. I told you guys my intire life and reasons. So I'll let you say whatever you want to. It got really huge and I'm sorry for that and VERY thankfull if you read everything, even you never had the obigation to read. That means that you care to me more than most of my friends. It's ok if you don't know what to say or jumped any part, I really understand you.

    Love always,
    <I got to think a pseudonym to put here>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOu need to get rid of that substance in your closet throw it away NOW
    I hope writing all of this out has help you see more clearly the solution is never death. YOU do not want to harm others by taking your life. YOu will you know that I do not think you want your family to suffer so greatly for t he rest of their lifes. They will remember you every single day hour minute of their lives and wonder WHY and blame themselves forever.
    YOU are a mess inside so time to speak up okay go to your mother get some therapy to sort the mess out and to heal
    I am sorry you are in such emotional pain but you can be heal you can start seeing clearer get your depression treated and all these distorted thoughts will leave you.
    You do not want to see the kind of pain on your mothers face hun so please throw the stuff away NOW just do it pick up t he phone and call crisis line go to ER and get some help IT is there for you and start living your life again
     
  3. paddylad

    paddylad New Member

    Hi,
    I took the time to read your post, and there are people who care about you, i know what it feels like to have no hope, don't throw away your life.
    If it wasn't for people that cared i wouldn't be here anymore, and i wouldn't be wrighting this.
    I tried to take my life three times once when i was 12, once when i was 13 and once when i was 19 and thankfully never got there, i got to the hospital but not the grave.
    You said that your mum was a church attender, have you ever spoken to anyone at the church about what you feel?
    I am a born again christian and know that there is hope, and that there is a life after death, i know that not everyone can sympathise with what you’re going through and usually only those who have experienced suffering can help guide those out of suffering. Just don't do anything hastily, try to think of the suffering that you would cause in others if you were to take your own life, i know it's hard and that all you can think about is what’s in front of you, the hurt you have been through and no one knows how i feel, there are people who have been in this cloud of suicide and come through the other side, some without God but most with God, God is there not to condemn you but to save you, he loves you and does not want you to kill yourself.
    I was told when i became a christian that it was God who brings suffering into our life’s, i want to tell you the truth that it is not God that brings suffering into anyone’s life, everyone i talk with blames God all the time, forgetting that there is also a devil.
    The Devil is the one that brings suffering into our life’s, he is the one that says in our minds take the easy way out, but it is always a lie, he can't tell the truth and if it wasn't for God, the devil would have us destroy each other sooner rather than later.
    Help is a prayer away God i nearer than you think and he loves you because he was the one that knit you together in your mother’s womb, he knows everything about you, he knows that your not perfect, he knows what troubles you, and want's to help you, but will you let him.
    God gave us a free will, he does not force us to do anything that we don't want to do, everything negative, everything wrong in this world and life is not from God it is from the Devil, everything positive, everything good is from God. The world (Devil) will tell you that your unworthy to be here that you don't fit in, that your ugly, that you should give up trying, this is nothing but lies, lies lies lies.
    God loves you and made you just the way you are, it is the world that has corrupted you into thinking the negative things that your feeling, God loves you so much, so much in fact that he sent his one and only son Jesus christ to die for you, if you were the only person on this planet, God would still have sent his son to die for you so that you could be reunited back to him in perfect unity and love for one another.
    There is hope, there always has been, our only hope is in God alone through his son Jesus christ
    Such freedom and joy awaits you friend.
     
  4. mikest8

    mikest8 Member

    I couldn't be more thankful to you both. Thank you for such warming words. I'm so glad that you gave me a bit of your time, that you have read, and actually minded.
    When I started to write that it were about 3 a.m. here and now it's 12:40 p.m. and I didn't sleep. I spent that time thinking, reading. I was panicking that time and writing this I could get calmer. Reading what you wrote made me think further. I'm glad that happened.
    Actually I got embarrassed and I was wondering if any moderator could delete this thread because I already got the help and I'm regreting said all that I said. So if is this possible, I would apreciate a lot.
    Thanks again, and again and again to you who helped me. Words will be never enough to tell how much I'm thankful for your attention and for had cared.

    Love always,
    Alan.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2011
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