im such a useless loser - am i wrong to be hurt? could trigger)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vbuk, May 5, 2007.

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  1. vbuk

    vbuk Staff Alumni

    hey,

    last night was horrible. i just wish the earth would suck me up inside. i was so so useless. im not naming names on this. a friend of mine was threatening to kill himself and i tried so so hard to stop him. we worked things out and i felt like things were getting better. he went away for a little while then came back and he told me he was going to do it. was telling me how, what he was doing, preparing. it was horrible. i begged and begged but nothing got through to him. i was getting desperate. i went in the chatroom. just wanted to stand in the middle and scream - it worked and robin helped me out - called the police. it saved him. i understand totally why he was mad at me - i wud be too.

    then we had a fight and he said some really hurtful things. pushed me over the edge.

    am i wrong to be upset, to want to be alone? i want to help him - be there for him. i care about him so so much but even after last night he doesnt see that. he sent me a text this morning saying he was feeling much better - lucky him. all i wanted to do was drive off a cliff. how come he is feeling good and im worse than ever - i was the one helping him. he just doesnt see what he did to me.

    am i a bitch for this? i feel it.

    i went to work in a bad state. my boss could see straight away. i went to make a drink and he followed - we had a chat and i ended up telling him everything. i told him about this place. i was scared cos he doesnt really understand depression. he is always very happy. but he was so good about it. told me that i can tell him anything and it will never go any further - he really helped me get things out. and he could tell a noticeable difference in me.

    then tonight my rugby team was playing in a derby. a massive match in a city that holds so many memories. it made me sad. my team won and i got all bubbley and excited. was amazing.

    im struggling to handle how im feeling. i dont know whats happening and dont know what to do. i just want the bad to go

    Clare x
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 5, 2007
  2. Lady E

    Lady E Well-Known Member

    You have every right to be hurt and you aren't a useless loser. It's horrible that a friend even if they were feeling suicidal would literally emotionally torture you like that by detailing their preparations and how they were going to do it.
    That is not fair to you in the least . You don't deserve that pressure and stress of someone detailing how they are going to kill themselves, escpecially a friend.
    You did the right thing by calling the police and even if he is mad at you. You couldn't have just listened to him tell you all of that and not respond. You are a good and caring friend by doing that even if they say otherwise.
    I hope you are alright.
    It's emotionally draining to deal with that.

    If you ever need to talk you can just pm me, I'm always willing to listen.
     
  3. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Why you're like this? You helped him, right? He did those things to you because maybe he didn't want to be helped, but now he realized what you have done for him, and I'm sure he's grateful
     
  4. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    you did well and you did the right thing. :hug:
     
  5. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    :hug:

    If he didn't want to be helped he wouldn't have told you...what else could you have done in that situation?
     
  6. starlight2006

    starlight2006 Well-Known Member

    You are going to hate me for this, but i feel you are being a bit hypocritical. You are mad for the way he made u feel, but what about how u make other people feel? The other nite when u tried to take an over dose, did u think about how it would hurt other people? U sed the only thing that stopped you was the fact u were sick. and what about the time before xmas?
     
  7. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    He'll be ok with you again when he sees that all you want is good for him. when i tried overdose and my landlord rushed me into hospital i physically hated him for it, but now i'm thankful that he did... it'll turn around for you to eventually. dont worry and hang in there keep holding strong to the good in your life and let go of the bad. every relationship has issues but we can all get thriough it...

    Kirsty
     
  8. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    When you're in a state where you want to take an overdose it's sad but the last thing you really care about is other people. All the thoughts of death skimming through your head. "Why is no one here for me?", "I dont want this but what else can I do?", not to mention the depression making you think that your worthless and you don't belong. It's hard to notice others, let alone think about what you are making THEM feel like. It's just a trait we can't really help except to understand it in ourselves and others. Most of us have been to the brink and we're not proud of what we did to others. I was reading the suicide note I wrote my parents, it was so cold and selfish.

    It can hurt real bad when you try and help someone who doesn't seem to appreciate it, but it doesnt mean they don't. And the very fact that you did help means a lot anyhow.

    Amy, Clare needs help sometimes just like you need help sometimes and when you both need help at the same time, bad things are going to happen I guess.
     
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