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I'm supposed to be better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by HateMeToday, Nov 23, 2008.

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  1. HateMeToday

    HateMeToday Active Member

    I'm on medication i go to therapy (well haven't in 5 weeks) i was doing pretty well, but it all came back full force yesterday, i just realised there was no point at all, i've ruined myself with self harm, i can never wear short sleeves, i've ruined myself with food, i can never wear a bathing suit because of stretch marks, if i was to ever meet anyone and want a relationship they wouldn't want me because of scars, i noticed how ugly i think i am, and that i can never change it, i realised i have no future whether i'm alive or not, i don't leave the house, i don't go to a normal school, i don't have friends, i don't have fun period, and with the economy i don't have the money to go to college and get a career once i graduate highschool especially with my parents divorcing, maybe it's shallowness because i'm paying attention to all the outside things but come on that's how the world is, who wants a short fat depressed girl covered in scars who can't get a job. I attempted yesterday, my thoughts stopped me and i don't know why, maybe i am afraid i'll have to see my family suffer even once i'm gone, i don't know what will happen to me, but i feel weak because i couldn't do it, i came closer than before, felt my heart slow down, vision go blurry, passing out, but i stopped when i shouldn't have, i was scared of my parents finding me and how horrified they'd be, but i shouldn't care right? well now i'm left with a face full of broken blood vessels, which just makes it worse because i have to hide, i have no life already and i won't in the future, isn't death better than living but having no life, what teen has never been to a party, has no friends, never goes anywhere but school and therapy, some may say these are things i can change but it's not so simple, not for a person like me, if only i were rich i would get a full plastic surgery makeover, become someone new all around, i don't know what i'll do in the next few days if i'll try again or not i just wish i could find real hope, not the false kind i keep picking up.
     
  2. Oceans

    Oceans Well-Known Member

    it seems everything is falling apart in front of your eyes and you're trying to get rid of it for ever. I can relate to the career, friends, party and not having a life. I don't have much say, but i thought i let you know i read and hear what you're saying.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello HMT,
    Have you thought about going to college to become a therapist? The one I see has been down the path that we follow towards self destruction. She decided one day she wasn't going to live this way anymore and went to school to become a therapist. She makes damn good money. She charges me $40.00 a pop and bills my insurance for $100.00 a session.
    She has the scars both physical and emotionally. By becoming a therapist she has learned to set that all aside. You say you have no friends, well by joining the forum you have just joined a whole network of friends. I don't have ANY in the real world, but here on the forum I have plenty. Sometimes I tend to forget just how many I do have. It's not that I am ignoring them it is part of my illness my mind gets all mangled up and I tend to forget. I do cherish the ones I have, and I am thankfull for the ones who just offer support when I am down. Please Take Care!~Joseph~
     
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