I'm supposed to be happy.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Untouchable, Oct 1, 2011.

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  1. Untouchable

    Untouchable Well-Known Member

    I'm supposed to be happy. I really am.

    Looking at myself now, my life is completely different from the last time I posted on here. So much has changed the last couple of months, I feel like I'm leading a completely different life.

    I met more people. I opened up. I got involved in new activities. I have a boyfriend.

    Yes, I have a boyfriend, who am head over heels with. In fact, I may be so in love with him, it's unhealthy.

    You know the truth about me? The truth about me is, I've been alone for about 90% of my life so far, and JUST the slightest thought of having to deal with loneliness again makes me want to give up right at this moment.

    I mean, what's the point if I'll just end up being alone again? Miracles don't come flying whenever you want them to. I'm glad I've lived long enough to witness one of them, and this is when I met my boyfriend.

    We have been together for 5 months. He is amazing. He has the most beautiful eyes in the world, sometimes they seem yellow, sometimes green, something even slightly blue... and the way he looks at you- it's like you're drowning in his eyes.

    I am so thankful for all the mornings I've woken up next to him, the moments we've spent cuddling in bed, talking about meaningless things but putting meaning in them. He is my saviour.

    The other day we had a talk. He doesn't know I've been depressed. He doesn't know about my past, including all the suicide attempts that come along with it. I can't talk to him about them. I feel like he'll hate me, he'll pitty me, he'll leave me. I'm ashamed of my past.

    He's told me he loves me. That I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. It's things like that that help warm up my soul. However, he said that day, he doesn't think we'll be together forever. When I asked why, while having tears run down my face, he said that he's used to getting disappointed...I told him I wouldn't disappoint him, but he didn't understand. He believes one day we'll break up, just like most couples do. I don't want to be most couples.

    He's my other half. We're 20, I know, he probably wants to get with other girls, gain more experiences...But I've found my soulmate. And right now, everytime I look into his eyes, it's like I see the end of us coming, sometime, if not now, then tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then the year after...

    How many times have I cried in his arms, asking him not to ever leave me..telling him I'm scared of losing him.

    I don't want to be alone. I've spent years being that. It hurts.

    And right now I can't smile around him anymore. They all go away, don't they? The people we love. What's the point of waiting for them to go away? They'll do that whether we're there or not...

    Here I am, looking for ways to end it all on the internet. Thinking of what to write in my letter to him. Thinking of the less painful way to die. If I die, then I won't have to deal with the pain of him leaving me eventually. I won't have to fall more in love with him. I won't have to feel alone again. So why not leave now, when everything seems to be alright...I'd rather remember the last days of my life were with someone who loved me rather than with someone who changed their mind...

    And it's not like anyone is going to care about all this, I just, needed to write it down somewhere...And I need to find what the hell I'm supposed to write in my suicide note. Who knew happiness could carry so much pain with it...
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Best of luck with the relationship, and welcome back to the forums. I hope he and you stay together longer than you realistically think you all will.
     
  3. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I think you need to seriously consider telling him about your past.

    Do you have someone in your family like a parent who you can confide in about this - particularly with regard to your relationship?

    Are you getting medical help for your depression - considering suicide is not a rational response to something like this - it might well be time to get some more help while you can recognise that.

    If you wanna PM me - feel free to do so...
    Much love

    Chris
     
  4. Untouchable

    Untouchable Well-Known Member

    Mr. Alex - Thank you...

    In Limbo - I don't think I can. He will probably freak out. I don't want him to. My family simply doesn't care. I haven't talked to them in ages. I have a few friends around here - but they all just think Im overreacting.

    I don't know, I just think ending my life is the easy way out. I can't stand not being able to appreaciate happiness. It's even worse than dealing with just pain itself. You know you could be happy - but you just can't be. And it hurts.
     
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    It's not the right way out though...have you spoken to your doctor about this?
     
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You got to TELL him!!!

    What your thinking is selfish - sure you have depression but this guy might well be head in heels in love with you - and I got to say - ANY man - no matter how strong he is - could be destroyed by what you are thinking of doing.

    The last thing any man needs is a girlfriend committing suicide.

    The women you love will die one day - or you will - maybe you will both get lucky in a nuclear war and stand hand in hand before the setting suns - yes suns in a plural - well a few nukes would look like a few suns in the sky.

    I read your posts before Gretchen so this turn around with this man - I'm happy for you - but I think I know exactly what your going through in some ways.

    Do you think that the depression in you wants to destroy your happiness?

    I mean your talking about his eyes - you ARE in love - and although its fantastic - I always exercise some caution.

    This guy you met - 5 months is a long time - but also very short. Its long enough to know if you really do think someone is a 'soulmate' - but too short to sit back and relax.

    You say this man told you that he thought you would not be together forever. Hmmm - maybe he is just being honest - but my concern is in how long you knew him before you took things further? I take it you knew him anyhow - he is local or whatever - or you know him socially.

    Has he asked to meet your family? Do you know a man who is really interested in you will do this - for his own insurance - but mainly as a sign to the woman that he is serious.

    But regardless of all this - he seems to have treated you nice - hope he has taken you out and so on - if not - let us know.

    Well - telling a lover about your past - its tricky. for me I've never done it. But I been a fool - the first women I loved would have never have threw it in my face - I know that now! Sure - we might have split up amicably despite me sharing - so you need to ensure that who you share with is NEVER going to use it against.

    BUT - be aware - 'falling' in love is a process by which most will see someone as a soul-mate in a giddy mix of emotions - a natural high which is a saving grace for many. However with depression - be careful you do not share things with someone who turns out to be malicious! A woman could turn on a man - using the depression and suicide with vicious intent!

    Men - usually not as bad but if provoked most will throw suicide back at a women - and be cruel about her looks, appearance and make comparisons with previous lovers and so on.

    There's no holds barred in the sexual wars!

    Most of it comes from the basic sexual jealousy dynamics - makes for an ugly ending - with not so much fireworks as nuclear artillery.

    Its always a risk - but I think this man you have Gretchen seems to be kind. I'm getting that much at least - I mean - we hear some bad things about men on this forum - I feel like punching them as soon as I read the summary - but with this one - so far - I don't know - its like I'm not clenching my fist - to hit with the 'hammer' of the fist - as you do not break bones in your hand or mark it for the cops to spot - the red bloodied hand of guilt! So a quick hammer punch IF your man was badmouthing you - or maybe just not talking to you - leaving you to stand there like a lemon! A friendly punch - just like a pat on the back or head - or gripping the shoulders.

    I guess you got to have a meeting with your head and heart.

    Leave the passion out of the meeting - as that will vote for you to stay in bed looking in his eyes forever! Which, is a real nice thing to say.

    My eyes are usually red white and blue - I never get women cooing over my eyes although that's three colours. Quite sad really - I don't get many compliments - which is an injustice. My mates married wives pay compliments - but I always say "sure - so why did you not marry me? - you broke my heart - I'm a desperate man in a desperate land, looking for a strangers hand, or something"

    I don't cry the blues for loneliness myself. Too many voices in my head to keep me company actually.

    but Gretchen! I read your stuff before - I hear you and understand you - but as a man - I implore you not to EVER think about killing yourself when you got a man lying next to you in your bed.

    You got that close to someone - you should have told him before that stage - but - I know how quickly things can go. You walk someone home one night - you know the next day that you got a connection.

    And although you think your man is young - do not think ANY man needs to 'try out' other women - because if he loves you he won't need any other women.

    I think you should tell him now - phone him - get him round - tell him you need to really need to talk.

    You allow a man to get intimate and close to you - the closest any man CAN get - you have an obligation to tell him who you are.

    you should have a few female friends also - no woman can make a good decision regarding a man when she is falling in love. Her mates - less inclined to see the guy as 'faultless' will test him out - which is how things always worked.

    Modern society - has not got the same safety net - and sadly many for various reasons have nobody to help them with relationships.

    My friends and family - collectively would always spot the wrong women!

    I actually feel sorry for any wrong women I meet who would just have to to endure a kind of process that is funny, embarrassing and sorts out the wheat from the chaff.

    But all the men in my family - even if we make mistakes - its just little ones like she might gamble - she might get a little high - she might swear, drink too much sometimes - but none cheat so its all cool.

    So - good luck Gretchen - talk to this man!

    You got to let all that horrible stuff out that's been weighing you down. Everything has been building up to this. You waited long enough - he can likely spot the hesitation in you - he knows something is wrong and will presume your just 'off' about him.

    So he can sense something - and if you say nothing he will think the distance between you is you pushing him away.

    Tell him.

    And let us know what happens!!!

    Regards and good wishes!
     
  7. Untouchable

    Untouchable Well-Known Member

    In Limbo - I have given up on going to therapy for months now. My last therapist just made it worse me, therefore I'm traumatised...

    peacelovingguy - Thank you so much for all of this and for your PM. I replied to it, if you want to check it sometime...I'm going to try to talk to him more about all this, but it's just so freaking hard to.
     
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