My birthday is this Saturday. Five days. Everyone expects me to be happy. But how can I be when it marks a year since I was raped, a year since the police dropped the investigation, a year since I was ashamed and damaged and lost so much respect for myself. How the fuck can I be happy when it's five days from being a year exactly since I was tricked by my friend? No one over here knows what I'm dealing with. I keep zoning out and every night for the last week I've had nightmares. This is so, so fucking hard. I just want to scream and punch the wall or break down crying and have someone hug me. But I can't, and it won't happen. My housemates are planning on taking me out but I won't be able to enjoy myself; I remember the exact time, the exact fucking time that it happened and every hour, minute, second that goes past makes me want to cry so much more. How the fuck can I deal with going out and being surrounded by people when I'm already so close to breaking point now, and it's still five days away?