I'm supposed to be happy

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by xoCherie, Aug 5, 2012.

  1. xoCherie

    xoCherie Well-Known Member

    My birthday is this Saturday. Five days. Everyone expects me to be happy. But how can I be when it marks a year since I was raped, a year since the police dropped the investigation, a year since I was ashamed and damaged and lost so much respect for myself. How the fuck can I be happy when it's five days from being a year exactly since I was tricked by my friend?
    No one over here knows what I'm dealing with. I keep zoning out and every night for the last week I've had nightmares. This is so, so fucking hard. I just want to scream and punch the wall or break down crying and have someone hug me. But I can't, and it won't happen. My housemates are planning on taking me out but I won't be able to enjoy myself; I remember the exact time, the exact fucking time that it happened and every hour, minute, second that goes past makes me want to cry so much more. How the fuck can I deal with going out and being surrounded by people when I'm already so close to breaking point now, and it's still five days away?
  2. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    If you are already this far over the edge, I don't imagine that going to this birthday part, and "pretending" to be happy and have a good time is going to help. I did that this past year, and ended up having a "blow up" session the very next day, where I just sort of screamed at people, for no reason that day. I mean to say that people didn't specifically provoke me, but I was just so fed up of everything, that I did scream.

    I can only imagine that going through with this birthday, under such intense emotional distress and with so much else going on, just might be asking too much of yourself this time around. Perhaps you could ask your friends to celebrate your birthday the day before, or the day after? It sounds odd, but if the real day is really nothing to 'celebrate' over, perhaps you can still have a day that does allow others to treat you out, and celebrate your life etc... Obviously there are people in your life who want to see you comfortable and happy, and who think about the idea of you having a good time.

    Is it a far stretch to maybe have both... this day, the day of everything you hate about your past as one day.... and another day, some other time, for taking the time to just be "you", and not having to worry 10000% about every ticking time bomb in your memory?

    I imagine it would probably mean more to you, to maybe have a quiet night at home, with someone there... a friend or family member. That way, when the "exact time" approaches, you are not left alone. You are not abandoned this time. You are not left to be stuck in a tormenting situation all by yourself, like last year.

    I know you said that you were tricked by a friend... must be hard to let people in, or draw them close; especially when the topic of "YOU" arises. I.E. your birthday, where everyone comes together to use "YOU" as a topic to celebrate, or get together. I wonder if this 'friend' used that same area, to pull you in... and if so, it must be very hard to even attempt a birthday this year, under the same pretence...

    I'm sorry that the police dropped your investigation, and I am sorry that you feel that you have let yourself down. Can I ask you if there's something that you have thought, maybe you'd rather do on your birthday? Maybe something that crosses your mind that sounds a lot more reasonable, or useful to you, with all of the above going on?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Do something for YOU on your birthday get some therapy to help you heal hun I am sorry the investigation got dropped Do something on your birthday that will bring you some peace ok do something you always wanted to do hugs