I'm sure I'm not unique, it's not a new situation, and not the first person to feel this way. I'm feeling hopeless, unuseful, unable to focus, without ability to overcome. I feel cornered, lost, and confused, with no guidance, no trust. I've been depressed for many years now. EVERYTHING I DO feels selfish, and to be honest, I've stopped caring about anyone else, though long ago I stopped caring for myself. This care for others was my last thread, and sadly I was unware of this change, this loss of compassion until recently. Without it, I see no reason not to end my life. I cannot actively maintain myself, my mental health. It's not beginning to, but always has been hurting my relationships with people, continuing for a long time now. I don't want to hurt people, I have never wanted to be a burden to them, including strangers. I want everyone to flurish, to do well an enjoy life, and it seems, the amount of positive energy, progressive help, fun, and support I offer is less than what I take. This occurs at all times, and I feel I've had too much help. It doesn't feel good to accept help, just to do nothing with it. I've debated with myself for many years about suicide. My depression is a man that comes knocking at random. When you are unable to take care of your own physical and mental health, when there is no future doing so, when you are physically equipped with a strong attractive body, good articulation, insightful thought and blind luck, but still are unable to maintain yourself. When you are still unable to retain work, and do things like bathe and wash, simple tasks like getting out of the bed, or brushing your teeth are too exhausting, when you need help with every action you do, suicide becomes a viable option. I've been asked, 'have you thought of suicide before', and I've always been honest, "I have, but I've never been interested in it, it wouldn't solve anything". It's true, it wouldn't of then; but now, with the recent changes in my life, suicide is a solution. It would help solve problems I'm having. The core of these problems is my inability to work. There is NO job that suits me, none that will deal with my inability to do something consistently, my extremely aggressive ADHD, and my insanely aggressive mood swings. I see no future in being unable to make a positive income every month. Changing jobs and just generally wasting peoples time jumping jobs every few days has grown into a long term problem. I have passions and hobbies, but I can't seem to get paid for them. I live on an island, moved here for a new life almost 2 years ago now, and it has made the problem worse. Being away from family, away from big crowds has left scrounging for resources that are now more difficult to attain. I love it here for my hobbies, but I simply cannot support them, or myself for that matter. I have no where to go, leave behind the things worth living for, that I cannot participate in anyways to move somewhere with no hope of enjoying them, or stay and bury deeper financially, emotionally, and physically? Neither is a good option. I'm seriously contemplating suicide and don't know what to do. I have NO future without someone supporting me financially. I've done counselling, taken multiple different forms of medication, and had no luck. I've worked extremely hard at it, and got no where. I'm more lost now than ever before.