I'm sure I'm not unique.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SomeDude, May 17, 2011.

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  1. SomeDude

    SomeDude New Member

    I'm sure I'm not unique, it's not a new situation, and not the first person to feel this way. I'm feeling hopeless, unuseful, unable to focus, without ability to overcome. I feel cornered, lost, and confused, with no guidance, no trust.

    I've been depressed for many years now. EVERYTHING I DO feels selfish, and to be honest, I've stopped caring about anyone else, though long ago I stopped caring for myself. This care for others was my last thread, and sadly I was unware of this change, this loss of compassion until recently. Without it, I see no reason not to end my life.

    I cannot actively maintain myself, my mental health. It's not beginning to, but always has been hurting my relationships with people, continuing for a long time now. I don't want to hurt people, I have never wanted to be a burden to them, including strangers. I want everyone to flurish, to do well an enjoy life, and it seems, the amount of positive energy, progressive help, fun, and support I offer is less than what I take. This occurs at all times, and I feel I've had too much help. It doesn't feel good to accept help, just to do nothing with it.

    I've debated with myself for many years about suicide. My depression is a man that comes knocking at random. When you are unable to take care of your own physical and mental health, when there is no future doing so, when you are physically equipped with a strong attractive body, good articulation, insightful thought and blind luck, but still are unable to maintain yourself. When you are still unable to retain work, and do things like bathe and wash, simple tasks like getting out of the bed, or brushing your teeth are too exhausting, when you need help with every action you do, suicide becomes a viable option.

    I've been asked, 'have you thought of suicide before', and I've always been honest, "I have, but I've never been interested in it, it wouldn't solve anything". It's true, it wouldn't of then; but now, with the recent changes in my life, suicide is a solution. It would help solve problems I'm having.

    The core of these problems is my inability to work. There is NO job that suits me, none that will deal with my inability to do something consistently, my extremely aggressive ADHD, and my insanely aggressive mood swings. I see no future in being unable to make a positive income every month. Changing jobs and just generally wasting peoples time jumping jobs every few days has grown into a long term problem.

    I have passions and hobbies, but I can't seem to get paid for them. I live on an island, moved here for a new life almost 2 years ago now, and it has made the problem worse. Being away from family, away from big crowds has left scrounging for resources that are now more difficult to attain. I love it here for my hobbies, but I simply cannot support them, or myself for that matter. I have no where to go, leave behind the things worth living for, that I cannot participate in anyways to move somewhere with no hope of enjoying them, or stay and bury deeper financially, emotionally, and physically? Neither is a good option.

    I'm seriously contemplating suicide and don't know what to do. I have NO future without someone supporting me financially. I've done counselling, taken multiple different forms of medication, and had no luck. I've worked extremely hard at it, and got no where. I'm more lost now than ever before.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2011
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hello and welcome

    do you want to describe what your hobbies are?

    maybe there is a way you can make money from them

    you might be eligible for disability payments

    if you are feeling suicidal, I don't think you have to worry about being selfish. I think that you need to focus on yourself to get better

    so if meds and therapy have failed you, you might want to try acupuncture and chinese medicine. this can be expensive though, so maybe you can try some self-help methods. dietary changes, meditation, exercise. other self-help methods in the book in my sig (yes, I know I say this often)

    I hope that things can get better soon!
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Some Dude - your right in that all the symptoms you list there - all the negatives of depression are universal - or something all humanity feels. That is not unique - but what is unique is our own perception of things and the reasons we have for being depressed.

    What strikes me is that you stopped caring for others - you've cut yourself geographically on this island - and you don't say whether you know anyone there well enough to call a friend.

    If you have the energy then giving more help than you receive is a good thing. However, if depressed, although caring for others helps a lot, it can defeat the object if you are exhausting yourself and giving up too much time to help others.

    I know what its like to just feel exhausted by the thought of taking a bath, brushing your teeth and shaving. Not washing the dishes until they are all dirty. Even wearing clothes indoors which you ought to wash. I would NEVER go out unless clean though. The usual fear of getting knocked over and not having clean underwear and so on!

    I know how you are coming to the 'realisation' that suicide might be a good thing. Thinking about this comes to most people who suffer from depression - everyone thinks about it at some time but for most people, suicide is not a thought which is always there in the background, waiting like 'the random man' who calls on you - the dark stranger who paints a happy picture of suicide and dismisses hope as an illusion which traps you in misery.

    But this random stranger - might be a stranger to you but he knows you inside out, watched you grow as a young boy, a young man, knows all your fears and knows whatever passions you have, the hobbies and the dreams.

    But in reality, the 'random stranger' is some biological process - something we will find in DNA (we already have in the UK). It is not demons, nor is it 'us' and some weakness we might have nurtured. We live in an age in which we are at so many crossroads that medical science relating to depression sees new papers released everyday in which innovations are made via meds, therapy and counselling.

    More less publicised tests have seen patients given a wide variety of drugs - some even illegal, but researchers have obviously seen a myriad of drugs which DO lift people's moods in the space of a few minutes to a few hours.

    Why was Ecstasy so popular? In many ways it was an instant anti depression/anti anxiety drug. I've seen thugs hugging people they might normally glare at all night before some horrendous assault.

    Anyhow, maybe some of the meds you took were rubbish - but there are new ones on the market and given your thoughts of suicide might just be the process of biological condition in the brain - I'd go for trying the drugs.

    Counselling, I think that works best when people have a reason for depression. Like me you seem not have any reason to actually be depressed, it just 'happened'. At least we save a fortune on therapy bills!

    Therapy, might work with anyone - its just a basic 'get to know your own self defences' type of thing. Maybe you already know - you seem intelligent enough to me. Your not short of it that's for sure - which makes you a person who will be good company IF you felt less caught up in yourself - dealing with issues inside your own head so to speak, rather than being able to converse about it - to someone at least.

    Romance might not be too high on the list - not with depression. But some company might be good for you. The beauty of this forum is that I don't need to go to the local pub and announce "I'm depressed" to some people who might not take it quite as gracefully as people here would!

    Then again, people I live with are fair minded - most families have people with depression and every street has a suicide I guess - somewhere down the line. I know a lot of people who have killed themselves - from the first poor lad tore up over a woman aged 16, to the most recent, a poor mother who took her life after alcohol abuse perhaps pushed her to a place so dark that she is no longer with us.

    There have been others. And many more I know of.

    I'm in my late 40s so I know what I'm talking about when I say that depression has its peaks and valleys. Right now your in the valley my friend, but your not alone as there are people here also who feel the way you do.

    What is unique about is something we have yet to find out - but your mention passions and hobbies - perhaps like mine they veer into that creative artistic arena?

    And hey, I've moved from job to job also - but in the end I realised I would be happy cleaning dog crap off the streets, as long as the pay is enough to pay my bills, and fund my passions and hobbies until a time when my passions and hobbies might pay the bills. Maybe your condition might make you more suited to some manual job for a while - I find inspiration always with people I'm working with - could be a song, a play for today or whatever. Its funny with work but if you work at the bottom sometimes those jobs you just turn up to and do what you have to do - are great for people like yourself.

    I've seen all manner of men with obvious issues who get along fine. But those men in an office, would feel suicidal.

    It is hard with depression, but if you have some talent then its there for a reason - and you got to do all in your power to get to the stage were you can feel that JOY which comes when we paint that painting, or finish off that digital artwork, or write THAT book which - you never know, might raise the spirits of others - or just make them laugh, which raises the spirits.

    As for living on the island - you've spent two years and maybe a move back to your family and the people you know might be good for you. Not least due to better help for depression - and more support for you. I'd not like to be away from my family and I'm not sure how old you are as when you are older like me you want to be around for when they grow old and frail.

    Good luck regardless - maybe some new meds would be worth a try for you - and the way things are going there will likely be new meds out there if you have used any for a year or so. Keep a diary as to how they affect you.

    Keep the passions brother - I'm struggling with mine but keep my instruments of the art polished and ready. It WILL come back to me. And for you also.
  4. SomeDude

    SomeDude New Member

    I spent 12 hours walking yesterday. Canvasing for jobs, handing out resumes and even one interview. Having printed 65 resumes in the morning after my 12 hour walk, I had only handed out 4.

    I'm afraid not of the world and interaction with people, conversations with new people come easy to me. I'm afraid of disappointing people, and for the most part that statement is associated with the idea that those proclaiming it's truth have an illogical observation of it. I, however, do not. I'm a able bodied, well articulated and a sharp fellow, however there's a wrench in that works. There is no ability of mine less developed than focus. I cannot spend more than 5 minutes at best, even doing something that I enjoy doing. Working on something I have no interest in lasts a minute or so. I grow insanely tired, begin yawning, become lethargic and extremely angry. The feeling is so intense I will just get up and leave, and it's something that isn't in my control. This is the source of my hopeless feelings, and ultimately the justification of my suicide.

    This inability to focus, to keep a constant train of thought, to be able to push through activities seems incurable. It continues to get worse with each day passing, it offers no hope for a self sufficient future. The only people who can support you are people you care about, and thus the equation is: Support = Guilt. I live with so much now that even good days have feelings of regret and remorse. It's a constant cloud on my judgement, the idea that no matter what I do today, tomorrow I will rely on someone else to take care of me. I cannot bathe myself, or feed myself, and such statements are coming from someone who is completely able bodied and in good physical shape, who has the resources at the point to do so except one certain important tool: Control. This lack of control, this conscience on the sidelines is torment, as if being buried alive, lost in your own thoughts without the ability to reach out and make changes to the things happening to you. I hate that it sounds so dramatic, but it needs to be worded that way, as it's gotten severe enough to justify it, and to justify other actions as well.

    I spent some time on my walk, stopping for some mental health guidance. I lived on the other side of the country before moving to the island, and had great support there, but I also had less responsibilities. I moved out here to come to a haven for my hobbies and interests, that it is, but that change had a price. I lost a lot of family support, as well as the local support network of friends, but most importantly, the support network for professional help. Here now, on the island, there is none. The first place I went to, sent me to the second, who sent me to my family doctor, which led to an appointment for next week. This series of brush offs were all with in inquiry of suicide prevention, and I have a feeling this is the case for the excessive homeless population on the island. I may be joining them soon, if I don't make a decision to avoid it, one way, or the other.

    I thank you for your replies, I've read them thoroughly, and apologize for not replying to them directly.
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