I'm surrounds by people, but I'm just so alone...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SkyW, May 19, 2013.

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  1. SkyW

    SkyW Well-Known Member

    I'm so sick of putting up this front of being the person that inspires people. I'm so sick of people thinking I'm strong, that I'm full of positive energy. I'm sick of people thinking they know who I am... I really just wish I didn't have any ties anymore, then I wouldn't have to feel so guilty. If I wanted to die, I could just do it. Honestly, I've tried crisis lines, hotlines, etc... They don't help. I've tried other coping mechanisms, none helped... I resorted to self injury because I felt like I would explode, and to be honest, it helped... I probably need stitches after tonight, but I'm not going to bother. I'm just so sick of trying...
    I won't kill myself tonight, no. I promise I won't. But how the hell can I when I barely feel alive? At this point I'm just a voicemail system, I receive people's messages and acknowledge them.... And that's it, another day, another group of friends, another pointless phone call, another 'message of hope' that doesn't seem to apply to me. Another day of pretending I feel something for my own sake, only to realize by midnight I'm staring in the mirror with <edit mod total eclipse too triggering>. It hurt so bad that I almost threw up, and I didn't care. I tried to. I've felt like this since I was 7 years old. The only things that ever bothered me were when people got hurt... And most of the time it hurt me more then it hurt them, but I'd be brave... I'm sick of being brave now... I just don't want to wake up. I'm sick of being in so much pain... I sound like a total loser. Why should I be in so much pain? Why am I feeling sorry for myself? Why won't medication help? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm such a loser. I self centered, to the point where I hurt myself and say 'I'm sick of other people' when I put on this damn front of being someone who can bare a lot of weight. Screw this. I'm so confused, and I've been so confused. Nobody here could possibly tell me something that could tell me why I'm such a mess, because not even I know, the doctors don't, my parents don't, and definitely not my so called friends or fans, whatever you want to call them... People that only meet me because they've heard of me.... People that are so precious, but that will only be disappointed in someone like me once they know me. I'm so confused, but why don't I feel anything? Why have I been so numb for so long? It's been 12 years of never feeling good enough. Not feeling joy or happiness. My face would make the expression on impulse, but I didn't feel it... Not really... 12 years of feeling nothing, except the occasional embarrassment or excruciating pain at seeing someone else suffer. Why am I like this? Why do I spend entire nights thinking 'what's the point if this is all a human being can feel? Such strong emotion and pain, but no joy, no happiness.' If its just me, I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to know I've been missing out my entire life...sometimes I feel like happiness is just a joke.... No one really has ever had it, it's just something that everyone tries to convince each other they can achieve. I know thats not true... im the one missing out.
    I know People care about each other, and if nothing else, love is worth living for. I love people, I do. I love seeing people happy.... It's just something I could never be...

    Edit; at least my bleeding stopped. Well, honestly, I wish it would have kept going...
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2013
  2. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    SkyW, I can relate to much of your pain. Joy and happiness seem to be such fleeting emotions (if they're ever truly even experienced.) I envy those who don't battle depression, who seem to experience joy regularly. It may be an act I suppose. I've feined being pleased, smiling plenty of times but I don't know that I've ever truly felt good, happy, content.

    I think people are the secret ~ none of the sweet, interesting souls recognize their importance to us while others, even though they can be annoying are just as messed up as everyone else. We hold on hoping that tomorrow will bring something new, different, maybe even miraculous. I'm here so I clearly have no answers. I'm saddened and awed at the number of people who feel similarly to me. As we talk however they become dear, precious friends. Real people that know something of my pain and my silent screams. They allow me to feel something that deep inside, in the dark of the night my mind tells me I don't feel.

    Maybe not helpful. Maybe some crazy musings from a crazy old woman... Either way what you've shared touched my heart. Hang on as best you can. You've touched someone - you've made a connection - you're not entirely alone. ♥♥♥
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