I'm taking my life soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Oct 6, 2012.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I am tired of hurting and feeling guilt and being scapegoated all the time. I am done.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    What is going on Sad and who is treating you that way? Shame on him/her! Please tell us
     
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    My life has not been great for years now, but this year has been too much. Yesterday, I had what I thought was a job opportunity that would have been a little relief in my employment drought. I was told to meet the people at a certain place at a certain time....they never showed up. I really needed that money and I was ready to work. It had not been a good week, and I feel so much frustration and weariness from it all. On top of that, I am trying to write a letter to a couple of relatives who said some things to me I did not appreciate, but finding the right words is tedious. There's more, but it's too much to go through.....sorry.
     
  4. Black Sun

    Black Sun Active Member

    I don't blame you! No one wants to be treated as the cause of other people's problems! Where is the hurt and guilt coming from? I think there is a place which will feel like home without resorting to the "all or nothing approach." You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to talk about so why not let us know what's going on? We got your verdict, what was the trial like?

    Big hug,

    Gilly
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, I sure know how it feels to be scapegoated too, and have nasty relatives saying horrid things...... we can let it all out on SF and find the way....... I still think about it daily, (because sometimes events become part of who we are, it is difficult not to......) but it is possible to put this stuff where it belongs. There is strength in having friends to help when we can't see this for ourselves. We can rise from the ashes like the phoenix did - strength can come to do this - there is a way through it that is positive for you hun. :)
     
  6. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    One of the things that has been hurting me a lot is the fact that I have been out of college for three years now. I don't want to say why, because I'm ashamed, but I feel so hopeless I will never return. I don't really have any support either....just people always saying why won't I go somewhere else, which is the same crap they would say when I first started at this school.

    I've been having a lot of dreams about the school....and in one, a girl I liked but rejected me to where it was one of the reasons why I wanted to die was in it. She had asked me this question in the dream, I can't remember it, but I couldn't say anything....I just looked at her. School, the rejection, and dealing with my family are three things out of many that I will never find peace with. I try to believe that God is there and I try to pray, but it is in vain. That is why taking my life maybe best. Sorry for writing so much and rambling.
     
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry it's been shitty lately...to be honest I can't do school, college and university is just too much for me...it's also hard when you have to see that girl who rejected you all the time...I'm the same way...if I get rejected I kind of move on away from that person...I don't try to be their friend or something like that...

    don't be sorry for writing and rambling...it'll make you feel better and that's the reason this forum is here right? let it all out so you feel better...and people here will help you too....
     
  8. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I'll more than likely never see her again in real life....i mean she graduated by now. What makes me so mad is that i've been hurt before, yet this one feels so much different. She thought i wasn't man enough, that i was weak, and maybe she was right, and that in itself should be enough to move on.....but all of the pain i feel is just so confusing.

    Yeah, I'll never see her again, but I'm constantly being reminded of her. For example, if i flip through the sports channel and i see a cheerleader, i cringe because she was one. the same goes for movies and shows too. stupid, i know, but still, that's how hard it is for me. there's more to it, but it's too hard and painful to explain.
     
  9. Jackie's Strength

    Jackie's Strength Staff Alumni

    I just wanted to say that I can relate to being out of school for some time. It's been about 3 years for me too. And yes, it has also been the cause of much grief for me; in fact, I became severely depressed shortly after I knew that I wasn't going back for sure. I can also relate to the reason for leaving school not being simple and associated with shame. I am, however, trying to go back, and YES, to a different place and different program. There are some obstacles I have to overcome but I know it's what's important to me and so I keep trying (despite already having been rejected from another program post withdrawing from the prior one). I guess my point is... don't give up! Your depression may be obscuring possible solutions. I suggest talking to someone about the situation, if not to someone here, then to someone you trust in real life, so that you're able to get some perspective on it. I know this all sounds a bit cliche, but sometimes you end up functioning as your own barrier (as I recently nearly did).

    Best of luck.
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Honey, we can get so hung up about all the things we have done wrong....... and allow them to affect life in the present. What we all must do is learn to tell ourselves the things which are true about our past - the past stuff and the negative past stuff, and say to it "Thank you for what you've been able to teach me about life, and about myself".

    Truths about life - firstly, that people "out there" who we might find ourselves attracted to, don't necessarily feel the same way, or are on the same page, as us.
    Secondly, that steps towards maturity are going to be immature - and they are often painful, because life is for learning and learning can be very painful at times as boundaries are tested. It helps us not to operate out of assumptions.
    Thirdly - no one in real life gets to live anywhere near a Hollywood script.
    Fourthly, every day is a new beginning. We can regret the past, but we can also tell ourselves the truth about it - that that was then and this is now. And we are "allowed" to change our minds about our opinion of ourselves, even if we know that others may not - ultimately their opinion doesn't really matter as it cannot have any real effect unless we give it permission to do that. We can give ourselves permission to be kinder to ourselves hun.
    Don't worry that at the moment you might feel you haven't resolution or answers to your troubles - I made the biggest mistake of my life when I was 42 years old - there is always more to learn and more wisdom to glean - we are all in this life together and progress one step at a time. The main thing to know deep down, that there is no mistake that cannot be given a fresh start. As my counsellor said "There are no hopeless situations, there are only people who have become hopeless about them." :)
     
  11. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    urprecious, I appreciate what you said, and I know there are people you will like that won't feel the same way, but it's a little more complicated than that when it came to this girl. Not only did she reject me, but she said some things that made me question myself not only as a man, but as a person as well.

    I try to be as realistic about life as i can, but i am very overwhelmed about many things right now and it just becomes too much to deal with at once.
     
  12. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    you know, just because she said it, doesn't mean it's true...she probably has problems herself and put you down to feel better...those are not people you want to believe in....sorry for saying that but this is how I see it....when people say your not man enough, really what they are saying is about themselves...she's giving herself an excuse that she knows is not true...I have a feeling she has a lot of problems and she's not happy....
     
  13. greg42innc

    greg42innc Member

    Whoa you have a lot on your plate...your out of work, your girl you liked dropped you, you arent completing your education as you desire, and your family is talking shit to you. So why do you want to kill yourself???Everyone of these obstacles is temporary. You will find a job one day, and I'll be damned if I would whack myself for some snooty bitch that had the gall to say I was not man enough our good enough for her. ummmm.....ass is ass and she aint no different than anybody else. Yep you can get that education who cares what others think of you or not? Focus on that degree and leave the women alone they'll come in time. Ignore family and acquaintances that can only speak negatively to you. So give tell them F O and get your life on a road that you want it to be.

    Sorry if I sound harsh but dont kill yourself over others when you come to the end of it and there is no hope and no way out then talk about it and think about but not over others that dont give two shits about you to start with. ;) Good Luck and here's to a better week
     
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