I'm the complete idiot that everyone takes advantage of.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Jan 5, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    I must be a complete fucking moron in everyone's eyes. They all think it's okay to upset me, to take advantage of me, to not keep their promises to me. And who can blame them? I can't ever go through with anything I threaten to do, I can't make the simple move of cutting someone destructive out of my life, or at THE VERY LEAST stepping on their toes in return for stepping on mine. I don't have the strength to do any of that. I had to constantly push my husband for 3 whole days to keep one measly little promise that he made to me, and it got to the point that I threatened to leave and was crying my eyes out before he did it. Why did he have to get me to the point of being hysterical? Please someone tell me...why do I have to make sure that other people follow through with what they say? Why isn't that their job? And more importantly, why can't I tell them to fuck off the FIRST TIME this type of thing happens, or even the second, or third, or fourth..? I just can't help it...I'm not like this on purpose. I can't be anything else besides this, unfortunately. And sadly, since I can't make these types of people go away, I have to be the one to go away. I have to make a commitment...I have to gather up the courage to die. I have to just plan a date and fucking go through with it. I can't keep dealing with this. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being treated like a piece of shit. All that's left for me to do at this point is lay in the fetal position and beg for someone to rescue me and help me...but nobody would do that anyway. So I have to go away. There's no other option.
  2. Detergent

    Detergent Member

    I know how you're feeling right now. It's genuinely awful when you have to be the one to cater to everyone else and get nothing in return. And I've been in the position of having to be sobbing my heart out and on the verge of doing something real stupid to myself before someone will listen to me.

    I just don't understand other people, and how they could treat you this way. I wish I could give you advice for what to do, but I think I'm in a similar place to you right now and I don't know what to do at all.
    Does your husband know that you feel this way? If not, would he be willing to help you if you told him?

    I hope you can feel better soon. You seem like a good person. You don't deserve to be feeling this way. I'm happy to listen if you need any support.
    And please don't think you're an idiot. It's easy to get abused when you're a caring person. Don't blame yourself for that. <3
  3. ashcrostep

    ashcrostep Active Member

    I know it wont make you feel any better but I too know what you feel like (in a way). I feel exactly the same, I always have to push and push for things and am always getting let down. Just giving up always crosses my mind as its the easiest answer, and the one which feels like it would give the best result for yourself. You have every right to be more selfish, but not in this way because it is not worth it. Do not do something serious because of another persons actions because that means they have won.
    It feels like its hard to just carry on, and there seems no point but there is. I know it hurts really bad, but even just the smallest little thing could change and then you will feel different and things may not seem so bad. I know its easy for somebody to just say but you need to take more time for yourself and treat yourself, maybe then you will appreciate yourself and get some happiness.
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member


    Sorry to hear about your suffering hun, but it seems to me the solution is very simple. You must cut out all the toxic people in your life. As Carl Jung once said "Hell is other people", to which I say "Heaven is other people." Meaning that people can be your worst enemy or your best friend.

    I'm sure you know your situation is untenable-you don't have to kill yourself, you can just leave. You sound like a very nice person. Instead of trying to do the impossible by making other people stick to their promises, why not make yourself a promise to love yourself and leave this horrible situation you're in and find happiness or at least live in peace.

    I'm certain you can make yourself fulfill your own promises if you demand others to do so. Best of luck...maybe report back here, we'd like to hear of the changes you've made in your life. Once again, get out of that torturous hell-hole you're in, cut off the demons who are making you suffer, you know you deserve to be treated better than this. No one can help you except yourself.

    I have achieved things that amazed me and would amaze a lot of people, but I know if I can do it so can others as long as they have the will and drive to do it. For instance I saved my mother from ending up on the street and I had zero income at the time-it was very difficult. I also struggled really hard to find a respectable job after not working for a number of years and eventually succeeded-but my life was hellish during the time I was not working.

    I thought about suicide constantly, I used to have very serious anxiety/panic attacks because things got so bad for myself and my family-sometimes I was only able to catch a couple hours of sleep over a few days. This was something very new to me as I was a very well adjusted person previously/throughout my whole life-till things got really bad for us. Thankfully through my efforts I was able to fix things and life is fine now...but I'm still not happy with my life and think of suicide occasionally-though I'm not facing any major personal or financial hardships fortunately.

    Anyways, my point was your brain is your most powerful tool-use it to transform your life as I have. Peace xo
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 6, 2012
  5. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Listless- really don't mean to be mean but why don't people understand when I tell them that this is how I am and it is completely impossible to change, and/or behave any other way. I cannot let go of those people. It is not an option for me. I am not like you. I cannot do what you can do.
  6. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Exactly how I feel, you took the thoughts right out of my mind. We are all born with different personalities. In your case & mine, we are compassionate, those that use us, take advantage of us, are not. First off, your not a piece of sh*t ! Why kill yourself, for the stupidity of others? In life, we need to try to balance good vs bad. I'll admit, I tip the scale to the bad sad most times, in referance to other people, but within myself scale goes the other way, the good side. So your wrong, there is other options. Opposed to doing for others, take the time to realize your better then they are, that's the reason they come to you, in times of need. If you were a piece of sh*t, they wouldn't come to you, to better thier lives.

    Don't let em get you down, pick yourself right back up, and say keep knocking me down, but I'm still here.
  7. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    It's not impossible to change, you just really have to work on it.

    People will always take advantage if they think they can get away with it.

    You CAN change, it is just going to take a lot of time and effort.
  8. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    "Don't let em get you down, pick yourself right back up, and say keep knocking me down, but I'm still here."

    That's the only part I don't get. Why in the world would I want to do that?

    ---------- Post added at 10:21 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:18 AM ----------

    A forum member with my same disorder seems to think they are "unfixable". And as far as I know, she is the only one like me. So before I am inclined to believe I can change, I'd like someone with BPD to tell me that they have.
  9. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    You're only unfixable if you decide you are, to be honest.
  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Yes. And I decide I am until someone with BPD tells me otherwise about themselves.
  11. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Why though? You are not them, just having the same disorder is only a small similarity.

    Forget the labels, and focus on what YOU need to do to get where you want to be.
  12. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Sometimes in life, although we do not choose how one behaves towards us, we have control how we take care of ourselves. What's important is, we stay strong no matter what the world throws at us. Yes, difficult at times. If we can survive, commuicating with one another at the moment, we can work together and survive into the future.

    No one has any control over us, other then ourselves. So, if a person get's you down, you pick yourself right back up, praise yourself for overcoming a challange, as opposed to fall into the traps of despair. Every individual makes thier own choices in life. Do not allow others to make choices for you :hug:

    ---------- Post added at 03:59 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:58 PM ----------

    I agree 100%. Great advice, I need to do the same.
  13. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Cult - Depression and anxiety is a very widespread diagnosis. BPD isn't. I found someone who was just like me for the first time ever...that's why. The rest of these people who want to die may be similar to me in that aspect, but not any other. It's not about the labels, just about the facts.

    Seven - I know no one has control over me, but even I don't have full control. My emotions share 50% of that with me. And she didn't get me down, nor make any specific choice for me...I just want someone like me to tell me it's possible. I don't think that's too much to ask. Then again, it sort of is with my disorder. That's the point.
  14. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Just avoid getting into the thinking that because you have a disorder "that is that" and you're screwed permanently. Don't let it define you.
  15. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Cult - You speak too generally. Not all disorders have the same chance for improvement and recovery.
  16. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm aware of that, I have ones that will never go away.

    It doesn't mean it's time to throw in the towel.
  17. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Yeah but you said don't let a disorder (meaning ANY disorder) define you. I took that like you see them all equally. Now, you could say don't let your social anxiety define you for instance (which I also do have), but BPD? It does define me. It's my personality.
  18. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'm not much for arguing semantics.

    I have dysthymia and PTSD, among other things that do not go away. I will not just let it be "who I am".

    I am ultimately in control of my life, as you are of yours.
  19. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    Well maybe you should be more specific about how you don't let those things be "who you are". Because saying something general like that doesn't hold much of a meaning to me. I'm not arguing semantics, just trying to get a more detailed response from you so that I can understand how exactly one does what you are talking about.
  20. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I'll leave it at if BPD was your personality, you wouldn't be seeking something more, in my opinion.
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