im the mistake.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by patodemuerte, Jul 26, 2007.

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  1. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    so....im not really in the best of moods at the moment, but then again, when am i. what i really need right now, is somewhere to put all this down. to put my thoughts down. and id save you all the trouble of reading this but i need some feedback, anything really to know that im not just wandering through life invisible.

    Im trying to hold it together but its just getting harder and harder because i know theyll send me back to the hospital again if i slip up. I cannot let me be me. I cant say what i want and even if i could theres no reason they should have to endure my pessimism. my hate towards life and myself. I cannot stand me. Not just appearance but everything about me, down to my next thoughtless action and past fuck ups.

    I cant talk its all just filling in the empty spaces of conversation now, nothing means anything because its all mindless small talk because i refuse to "talk it out". Im going through life lying, im only 16, why do i have to do this? it isnt right, im so fucked up and i know it, its ineviteable by now because if im not then i spent all this time fooling myself, which in turn would make me more whacked out than i had first percieved. but back to what i was getting to.

    I was a cutter. I havent harmed myself since my last psych hospital visit in january. and i know im doing good and its just a matter of will but i need to do it before i make a more drastic move.

    my dillema is i cant cut withought being sent back to the damned nuthouse.my mother is once more considering another visit there for me and i cant slip up now, im on the edge of my freedom here. i cant be helped and as much as anyone says i can, im not willing. i cant. i dont want to change anymore, i just want to die and leave them all better off. ive seen how they act when im not there, they laugh and joke, but when i am there its all chaos. there is no peace with me, they are better off without me.

    so here i sit, once more thinking about "it" once more, as i do every day.
     
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Your no the mistake. Have belief in yourself. You won't mess up. I know it sucks when friends and family are laughing and joking around when your not there but once you enter the scene they stop doing so. It's kinda annoying and it only makes you feel worse.

    Hopefully by talking about it on here like you have done, it may help you. Do you taken any medicines?
     
  3. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    i did, ive been tonguing them for about a month....i have enough to, well you know. but im trying to stay away from that option though it only gets more tempting.

    they prescribed me zoloft 100mg and i was taking it but i just cant anymore. it did what it was supposed to, "level my mood out" but by leveling it they only gave me no emotion to work with. i felt empty inside which really only made my depression increase and my thoughts of suicide crept back, like i knew they would. im not blaming the pills for making me suicidal im simply saying that i would rather have me unmedicated and feeling like shit than me taking pills and feeling like shit still.

    well that and i just dont want them anymore. i didnt want them in the first place, i just wanted to be safe from me. and they did that but i dont need their help anymore, i just need to be kept from me from time to time.
     
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. Seeing as you're 16 I'm guessing there's only a selected few medications recommended seeing as some/many (not sure) antidepressants have been linked to suicidal tendencies. You could try going back to your doctor and explaining how the zoloft is making you feeling and it's not really helping, hopefully they can put you on another medication.

    Did the hospital help you last time you went? When you came out, did you feel a bit stronger? I can imagine it's not a nice experience but sometimes we need to go through a dark tunnel without any lights to get to the bright side and it IS possible, you just need to hang in there. I know things are difficult but take each day as it comes.

    Take care of yourself.:hug:
     
  5. patodemuerte

    patodemuerte Well-Known Member

    there's no use in telling him that it isnt working, he'll tell me its my own emotions and that i didnt give the medication enough time to take effect. thats always their excuse.

    last time i went wasnt the worst experience, i met some similar people and was keeping in touch until i fucked that up too. i didnt come out stronger but it kept me from myself for a week (for the most part). i came out a better lier who cant even make small talk and mean it. everything that pours out of my mouth is a lie, all thoughtless stupid lies. i came out of there defiant to the bone, always doing things for my own benefit, fucking everyone else in my path over.

    im not scared of the hospital, im just scared of fucking up again, i cant have these repeated institutionalizations with no real progress, im wasting everyones time, their money, all of it is in vain and i cant see how they dont see it. i dont want to get better, i just want to die, and they dont see it.
     
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