so....im not really in the best of moods at the moment, but then again, when am i. what i really need right now, is somewhere to put all this down. to put my thoughts down. and id save you all the trouble of reading this but i need some feedback, anything really to know that im not just wandering through life invisible. Im trying to hold it together but its just getting harder and harder because i know theyll send me back to the hospital again if i slip up. I cannot let me be me. I cant say what i want and even if i could theres no reason they should have to endure my pessimism. my hate towards life and myself. I cannot stand me. Not just appearance but everything about me, down to my next thoughtless action and past fuck ups. I cant talk its all just filling in the empty spaces of conversation now, nothing means anything because its all mindless small talk because i refuse to "talk it out". Im going through life lying, im only 16, why do i have to do this? it isnt right, im so fucked up and i know it, its ineviteable by now because if im not then i spent all this time fooling myself, which in turn would make me more whacked out than i had first percieved. but back to what i was getting to. I was a cutter. I havent harmed myself since my last psych hospital visit in january. and i know im doing good and its just a matter of will but i need to do it before i make a more drastic move. my dillema is i cant cut withought being sent back to the damned nuthouse.my mother is once more considering another visit there for me and i cant slip up now, im on the edge of my freedom here. i cant be helped and as much as anyone says i can, im not willing. i cant. i dont want to change anymore, i just want to die and leave them all better off. ive seen how they act when im not there, they laugh and joke, but when i am there its all chaos. there is no peace with me, they are better off without me. so here i sit, once more thinking about "it" once more, as i do every day.