Im the weakest, sickest person you could know.. why live? *trig*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Jan 2, 2007.

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  1. Seriously, dont read this if you dont wanna.

    This is the worst night for me, this year at least, get it? it been 07 for what, 2 days? And this tonight, HAS BEEN THE WORST!

    My friends attempted suicide, and whats fucking worse is i told her too, im SICK OF TYRING TO GET MY POINT ACROSS, SHE WOULDNT LISTEN, SO WHATD I DO, TELL HER TO 'FINE, GO DO IT, BYE', IM SO STUPID, SHE WAS MENTALLY FRAGILE, AND I GO DO THAT!

    I HATE WHO I AM, WHO AM I? I CAN SAY FOR SURE IM A SICK, PHYSCOTIC, IDIOTIC, PATHETIC, UGLY, FAT, STUPID LITTLE 'MISTAKE' WHO SHOULD GO RUN A BLADE DOWN HER WRIST, AND BLEED, TO DEATH, OR TO HANG HERSELF AND HANG THEIR, IN PAIN, OR.. TOO OVERDOSE, AND TO LIE IN PAIN, TO DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY, IM EVEN TO SCUM FOR DEATH, IM A STUPID PATHETIC 'THING' WHO SHOULD DIE.

    YOU KNOW WHAT VOICES, FINE, I WILL, IF THATLL MAKE YOU HAPPY, AND YOU PEOPLE,EVERYONE ON SF, IF ITLL MAKE YOU HAPPY THAT ILL BE DEAD WITHIN THE NEXT FEW HOURS, THEN FINE! I WILL. I WANT TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY, NOT MAKE THEM WANNA DIE, OR BE MEAN, IM A LONER, NO FRIENDS AT ALL, IM NOT A FRIEND, IM A THING, IM NOT ALLOWED TO BE CALLED A FRIEND, BECAUSE IM NOT ONE!

    OOoohh, im sorry for this, but im so fucked up, im so .. grr, this is some fucked up shit here.

    sorry for lauguage, but i swear, if its the last thing i do, which it will be, i WILL kill myself today, I WILL! :mad:
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter


    Which is precisely why you don't deserve to die. You believe that and I believe it, and I bet lots of others believe it too. Sometimes it's really hard to make people happy, some people don't always like the idea of cheering up, too many people embrace melancholy and it can annoy others.
    The point is you tried to help at least and that was a good thing to do. What you said was a mistake because you didn't mean to say it, or you don't now reflectively.

    Please don't hate yourself so much. It does no good.
     
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Sarah darling wait a minute you're no doubt feeling very distressed and everything has piled on top of one another.Now first of all what you said to your friend you didn't mean and how many of us say something to someone we don't mean and on the spur of the moment.You feel hurt you said that which proves what type of real caring person you're and I'm not just saying this.
    You're by no means no sick person and what you said was just out of sheer frustration which eventually boiled on and on and you became increasingly distressed and depressed.yes i've done that so often what you done and thought just like you did,but let's pause for a second you're not someone who goes out viciously to attack and crucify people and if you get down you have every right to feel distressed and feel negative.
    The main thing I want you to realise that you're not a bad person or anything like that ok?And you're ever so worthless believe me you think I'd be sitting this writing this because I want to gain some satisfaction out of it?No chance I say what I do because I mean it and it's true.
     
  4. AndyJP

    AndyJP Active Member

    Hi Sarah.

    Nobody on SF wants you to die. You can't be hold accountable for what your friend does or doesn't do, if they attempted suicide, it was their own choice. You're not a bad person for saying that to your friend. It was clearly frustration because I've felt that before. If I can also take a bold guess, you maybe feel that she has more to live for than you do? That may sound selfish, but don't think of it that way, it's understandable. If she could walk in your shoes, she might realize that her life isn't that bad after all, am I right? I also don't have any friends, and I'm a loner too. I see a lot of people on here that have so much to live for, they have the things I want, and I feel like I could easily take on their problems. When I think of this, I realize that if I take a step back, there could be somebody saying the same thing about me. They are probably wishing they could walk in their shoes, in fact, they might not even be able to afford shoes!

    I guess the point is that it's always important to take a step back to appreciate the things that you do have that some people might consider a luxury. Of course that doesn't make it all better, but from that perspective, it should be a bit easier to see what you can do in your life to make things better. The key is realistic short term goals. If you want to stop being a loner, start it off easy. Try saying "Hi" to a random stranger. Nothing more. Keep doing that, and when you feel ready, follow it up with a simple question like "Do you have the time?" or "Do you know how to get to so-and-so?". Whether or not you need the time or directions are irrelevant, it's just to make conversation. You can also look for good targets to come up with questions. You could ask someone about the clothes they are wearing or the book they are reading. You could be making friends in no time at all. :yes:
     
  5. Sarah, please stay safe. :hug:
     
  6. But i hate myself so much, ive hated myself for years now, and i was bad for saying that, im such a stupid cow.

    Thankyou.. your words are kind... but i still think what i am, and i know they're true, ive no meaning nor reason to be alive, i was nothing but a mistake..

    Thing is, her life is better than mine, she told me everything about her life, and shes nowhere near to what i have to deal with, she hasnt got all the disorders i have, she has love, i dont, she has a family who gives a damn, i dont, im quite sure she doesnt have a sister who says 'because of that thing upstairs, things are like this, i wish she were never born', and im quite certain her 'father' doesnt tell her that she is a mistake and that she is nothing, and that he doesnt want anything to do with her. Im 99% certain of that. She could well have different situations which i dont have, but i wish, so badly, that i could walk in someone elses shoes, and BE them, and just, i hate this life so much that i wish myself that i was aborted. I hate what i live in, dont get my wrong, other people could well be worse than me, but im sure that they have someone, just SOMEONE who loves them, i dont have that luxary, i really dont, i cant feel any hugs, i dont feel love, i never have, because no one does love me, and im sure if someone did love me, i wouldnt believe it.
    Thankyou for writing all that, im sorry to have wasted your time though..:huh:

    You wouldnt care if i took my life Kurt.. but thanks for the hug, which ill never be able to feel. :mellow:

    I guess i should leave SF, this place doesnt want me nor need me, im useless to this site and i always will be, im nothing to SF anymore, just a pain in the neck..
     
  7. AndyJP

    AndyJP Active Member

    Hi Sarah.

    You really shouldn't be so closed off to help, it'll get you nowhere. You keep beating yourself up and putting yourself down and that's only contributing to the problem. All of us that replied to your topic did so because we want to help. We care about you. It doesn't matter that we don't know you, it doesn't take much to care about someone yet it can mean a lot. We're here with our arms wide open to you. I'm genuinely concerned and I want to help, otherwise I wouldn't bother to come back and check up on you and this topic. As a matter of fact, it was during the reading of your topic when I had the epiphany and decided what I want to do with my life, I want to become a counselor so I can help people. How could you be useless if you helped me realize that? I want to talk to you more and help you, but you have to stop putting yourself down and realize that you don't need to give up on life.
     
  8. I am so closed off to help because of my experiences. I dont even need help, i just post away..

    You shouldnt care, and you shouldnt have bothered 'cause ill just close your arms.. im reluctant against help, but im fine helping others, im glad i helped you... but im still a mother natures mistake.. :mad:

    Actually, i do need to give up on life.. :huh:
     
  9. AndyJP

    AndyJP Active Member

    Too bad, Sarah! I care, and you're going to have to accept it! :tongue:

    Of course you want help, you acknowledged it by coming here. You want to feel better, don't you? You're certainly not mother nature's mistake. Mother Nature definitely did not do anything wrong with you, I can see that. She is just being a pain in the butt by putting obstacles in your way. You don't need to give up because there's a better life out there for you. You just need to take control of your inner self and let people help you.

    Take Care, Sarah.

    P.S. - You can't close my arms. Why? Because I'm strong. :showoff:
     
  10. more hugs :hug:
     
  11. Well, i dont accept it nor will i anytime soon.

    I dont want help, i dont see me screaming help, im not like that, i dont want help, i just want to die...

    And i am most likely stronger than you so.. :cool: *puts arms together* :smile:


    *hug Kurt* Shame that its online i get hugs, wish it was real life... :dry:
     
  12. I actually hope this overdose i took kicks in sometime soon, i really do.
     
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