I'm thinking today is finally the day.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Mar 12, 2011.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Ok, so things have been seemingly fine for the start of 2011, but then I was hit with the truth. I thought I was over this, but I'm never going to be. I don't fear death. But I do fear the pain I suffer during, and the pain it causes to my already broken family.

    Here's a little backstory:
    I'm 19, and it all started to go downhill when I was around 15. My mum died when I was 6, and since then my dad has moved us around a lot - he's had wife/girlfriend after wife/girlfriend. We've had to live with so many different people, and go to so many different schools. So despite being top of the class at one point, my grades started to suffer. Eventually I ended up dropping out.
    On top of that, my dad is an alcoholic and only cares about me when I give him money - which doesn't happen anymore, which was when I last night realised by the things he told me that he just doesn't care about me, and me and my sisters were just a burden to him after our mother died. He abandoned us once, but took us back when we told him we'd cut off his money (he claims carer's allowance for me as well as something for my sister who goes to college)
    Anyway, my main issue is that I have 0 confidence and hate my looks. I won't get into why, but I have had issues with this for years now.
    My dad keeps going on and on about how he doesn't want me to live with him anymore. So where does that put me? I have no job, and no chance of getting one because he ruined my future - and I'm not being dramatic here. Because we moved schools/countries, the old work didn't count and I had to learn new stuff I hadn't learned before. So I had to start over - on my last year of high school. I passed, but BARELY. And I didn't pass in 2 of the subjects I was expected to get A's in just a year before. Anyway, I dropped out of college because of personal difficulties and have been on disability benefits since. I now spend pretty much all my time in my room. I have no friends, and no social life. When I try to go out and have fun I always do something to embarrass myself and think people are thinking 'who does that guy think he is? he's not one of us' or some crap like that. I've got no future, no current life, and of course I've put on weight and I'm a 19 year old virgin who has never even been kissed!
    I am a waste of space and nobody takes me seriously. I was put on aripiprizole, and when you're put on meds people speak to you differently, I've noticed. You're no longer just a person - you're someone with mental problems who's med dependant.
    I've missed all my doc appointments, and when I go I don't even talk to them.
    What I would LOVE would be to get sent to a psych ward for a few weeks to clear my head and try to think of what I can do to make my life bearable. But then people will look at me even more differently when they find out - and they will, because my dad can't keep anything to himself. Everything I've talked to him privately about everyone ends up knowing. I'll then be known as the psychotic guy. Everyone is already nice to me because my dad tells them he's my 'carer' and I'm suicidal.

    I really don't know what I'm asking here. Realistically I live in a small town (5,000) people and I don't know if there's even room for me to be sent to a psych ward here. And if I just walk in saying 'I'm going to kill myself if you don't lock me up' I'll just look like a complete attention seeker. I'v e always kept stuff like this to myself - I have scars all up my arms from 5 years ago that NOBODY has ever seen - aside from the nurse who took my blood a couple of years back. And my dad only found out about my suicide attempts because I broke down at the doctor's office when the doc asked me if I had suicidal feelings. I couldn't help but cry when put on the spot like that.

    Anyway - I have thought about long and hard. It isn't a spur of the moment thing, I have felt like this on and off for years now. I have my suicide method. I am just worried about how it'll impact my sisters - one is already depressed as it is because of all our problems. But the longer I stay alive being this burden, the more likely people are going to become tired of me. I mean, my dad has already given up on me completely. I'm lucky if I get a hello out of him once a week. I start a conversation with him but he ends them very quickly and walks away.

    And I also have a dog. He's mine - I payed for him, pay for his vet bills, food etc, and I raised him, trained him, walk him and all. And I don't know what to do about him. I can't leave him here. My step family have 4 dogs living here as well who they don't look after. I'm the one who spends most time with them because my step brothers/sisters are always out! I don't want my dog to end up like them. I don't have a home for him, and I don't want to risk him being put down without a home. He's a lab. Very loving, gets on well with other animals, is house trained and all that... but I just don't want to risk him ending up somewhere bad.

    I really don't know what I'm even asking. And I doubt very few, if any, people even read all this.
  2. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    hi there i really hope what i can tell you can help you focus on what you need to do but i have a hard time balancing my own life .. i have been through alote and i would like to say i understand what you are going through but i a have different problems but the same thoughts.. i hear you say how worried you are about everyone around you but i think you need to focus on you right now,, its not shelfish its just what you need then you can have the confidence to give back to the people you care about. people do read your worries and want to be there for you . unfortinatly it sounds like you need a support other then your father .
    i can honestly say i am suicidal and its not fair for me to judge as i believe it is selfish for people to expect you to stay around when you are that unhappy just to stick around to make them happy,,,,but you are so young that i also believe if you dont give yourself that chance to deal with your problems now when you need it and start life out positive , cause it truely is just starting for you. you will leave alot of people upset cause you never really gave it a chance.. there is so many good things ahead that you deserve to give yourself that chance..
    i hope you get the support you need and if you need to talk i am here maybe i can share some of my stories and experiences with you, take care
  3. themadcatter

    themadcatter Member

    i have faith in you, you will be ok. the past is the past try your hardest to forget about it, live in the present and make the most out of it, hey everyone has times like these, but they dont give up, they keep on battling, youll be ok you still have your sisters that care about you, i have faith
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think going into the hospital is a good idea. they can help you. they will also prepare you for how to handle other people once you get discharged. it is not attention seeking to want help. i've been in the hospital 5 times. i was glad i went (in retrospect) although i was in a lot of pain at the time. can you talk to your doctor first about what you options are (where the best hospital for you is)?? good luck and let me know what happens.
  5. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Nice account name. Wish I had thought of that one.

    It really just sounds like you're depressed with no one to turn to for help.

    You said you "broke down" at the doctor's office when he mentioned suicide. What came of that? Did anything come of it?

    You didn't specifically mention having a therapist or psychiatrist, but I would strongly suggest talking to some kind of clinician to help guide you through this period of your life.

    I mean, you're considering suicide. That's pretty serious stuff. You can walk into an ER during a crisis situation and say you are going to kill yourself. No one will consider it attention-seeking. You need help, and they're there to provide it for you. If nothing else, they'll point you in a direction to find help. But what they won't do is turn you away.
  6. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    TThank you for taking the time out to read and reply to me. I am sorry about your problems too.

    I may be young, but I have been like this for years now - I have wasted away my teenage years. I have really tried to make things better. 2011 was going pretty good, things seemed to be getting better, but then I got knocked back down again and I am struggling to pick myself up because I know that if I do feel better, it won't last.

    I really want to go to a psych ward for a week or however long it takes. But I don't want to cause drama. Like I said, I live in a small town and everyone would hear about it - and then I'd be known as the crazy mental hospital guy. I don't know what to do.

    Same goes for you - if you need to talk about whatever it is you're going through, you can PM me. As can anyone if they feel they can relate in anyway. I will try to help others if I can.
  7. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Like I said - we've moved around a lot. I did have weekly visits from 2 different doctors who were really understanding and friendly. But I moved country and don't see them anymore. With them things were actually getting better. But then my dad moved me and my sister here last year and I was given new docs and had to start over again. But these docs don't seem understanding at all - they just seem like they're doing their job and waiting for the appointment to end so they can have their break. Not much help at all, so I stopped going.

    I have a suicide method that is SURE to work, that I will not post here in case people who are just desperate and aren't thinking straight get a hold of it. But I want to give the psych ward thing a try. If it doesn't work - THEN I'll do it.

    I just don't want to look like an attention seeker. My doc asked me to fill out a form, ticking a box for different questions. One was somehting like 'are you suicidal, if so, how much', and I ticked the highest box. He asked me about it, but nothing came of it. He just told my dad to keep pills out of my reach.. and that was that. I have a method that is sure to work. But it seems that to be taken seriously you have to go through with it, but then have someone find you or call an ambulance and get saved. I don't want the drama because I live in a small town and word gets around. I don't want to have to resort to that just to get some help. I am afraid of going to the hospital and telling them about how I feel, but then getting turned away or just given some sort of appointment for a month's time or something. Everything seems to be appointment after appointment, or medication... with no actual help.
  8. datguy

    datguy Active Member

    hey there again my friend you need to realize the one thing that you are feeling that you shoul in no way feel is that people will think any less of you for getting help. as you see on here lots of people have issues , more then you think, and it is how you deal with it that makes you a responsible happy person. asking for help wont make you look like a crazy person. sometimes a family can help you through stuff like this but your father doesnt sound like a lot of support. it takes a real man to admit he needs a bit of help to be happy, and i guarentee no one will judge you for it and if by chance they do they aren't worth worring about them judging you.. get help please i could give you along list of mistakes i have made by not getting help when i was younger and thought people would judge me and i should have been able to handle my own problems,, stuff like what you are thinking needs and deserves help..
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi if you go into hospital volunteerly then you will have the respect of others. You need help just like someone that is physically ill needs help they go in and ask their doctor for help so must you but for your mental health. Your GP is not listening to well go back to him and tell him you need help NOW you want to get on meds to help these thoughts stop and you want to be happy Tell doc you are being responsible here in getting the help before something bad happens Unfortunately if we do not make our selves heard loud and clear we don't get the help we need. Phone your doctor okay and state in a clear form you want to be hospitalized and you want help to heal hugs to y ou
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