Ok, so things have been seemingly fine for the start of 2011, but then I was hit with the truth. I thought I was over this, but I'm never going to be. I don't fear death. But I do fear the pain I suffer during, and the pain it causes to my already broken family. Here's a little backstory: I'm 19, and it all started to go downhill when I was around 15. My mum died when I was 6, and since then my dad has moved us around a lot - he's had wife/girlfriend after wife/girlfriend. We've had to live with so many different people, and go to so many different schools. So despite being top of the class at one point, my grades started to suffer. Eventually I ended up dropping out. On top of that, my dad is an alcoholic and only cares about me when I give him money - which doesn't happen anymore, which was when I last night realised by the things he told me that he just doesn't care about me, and me and my sisters were just a burden to him after our mother died. He abandoned us once, but took us back when we told him we'd cut off his money (he claims carer's allowance for me as well as something for my sister who goes to college) Anyway, my main issue is that I have 0 confidence and hate my looks. I won't get into why, but I have had issues with this for years now. My dad keeps going on and on about how he doesn't want me to live with him anymore. So where does that put me? I have no job, and no chance of getting one because he ruined my future - and I'm not being dramatic here. Because we moved schools/countries, the old work didn't count and I had to learn new stuff I hadn't learned before. So I had to start over - on my last year of high school. I passed, but BARELY. And I didn't pass in 2 of the subjects I was expected to get A's in just a year before. Anyway, I dropped out of college because of personal difficulties and have been on disability benefits since. I now spend pretty much all my time in my room. I have no friends, and no social life. When I try to go out and have fun I always do something to embarrass myself and think people are thinking 'who does that guy think he is? he's not one of us' or some crap like that. I've got no future, no current life, and of course I've put on weight and I'm a 19 year old virgin who has never even been kissed! I am a waste of space and nobody takes me seriously. I was put on aripiprizole, and when you're put on meds people speak to you differently, I've noticed. You're no longer just a person - you're someone with mental problems who's med dependant. I've missed all my doc appointments, and when I go I don't even talk to them. What I would LOVE would be to get sent to a psych ward for a few weeks to clear my head and try to think of what I can do to make my life bearable. But then people will look at me even more differently when they find out - and they will, because my dad can't keep anything to himself. Everything I've talked to him privately about everyone ends up knowing. I'll then be known as the psychotic guy. Everyone is already nice to me because my dad tells them he's my 'carer' and I'm suicidal. I really don't know what I'm asking here. Realistically I live in a small town (5,000) people and I don't know if there's even room for me to be sent to a psych ward here. And if I just walk in saying 'I'm going to kill myself if you don't lock me up' I'll just look like a complete attention seeker. I'v e always kept stuff like this to myself - I have scars all up my arms from 5 years ago that NOBODY has ever seen - aside from the nurse who took my blood a couple of years back. And my dad only found out about my suicide attempts because I broke down at the doctor's office when the doc asked me if I had suicidal feelings. I couldn't help but cry when put on the spot like that. Anyway - I have thought about long and hard. It isn't a spur of the moment thing, I have felt like this on and off for years now. I have my suicide method. I am just worried about how it'll impact my sisters - one is already depressed as it is because of all our problems. But the longer I stay alive being this burden, the more likely people are going to become tired of me. I mean, my dad has already given up on me completely. I'm lucky if I get a hello out of him once a week. I start a conversation with him but he ends them very quickly and walks away. And I also have a dog. He's mine - I payed for him, pay for his vet bills, food etc, and I raised him, trained him, walk him and all. And I don't know what to do about him. I can't leave him here. My step family have 4 dogs living here as well who they don't look after. I'm the one who spends most time with them because my step brothers/sisters are always out! I don't want my dog to end up like them. I don't have a home for him, and I don't want to risk him being put down without a home. He's a lab. Very loving, gets on well with other animals, is house trained and all that... but I just don't want to risk him ending up somewhere bad. I really don't know what I'm even asking. And I doubt very few, if any, people even read all this.