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i'm tired of being alone

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by del lago, Sep 2, 2014.

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  1. del lago

    del lago Member

    I just can't take being alone anymore, no matter how many times I reach out and try to make contact with people, I'm either pushed away or they're just out of reach. You know when you're trying to grasp at something and you're stretching with all your might, and your fingertips barely brush against what you're trying to reach, but you just can't get a grasp on it? It's been like this for so long, I'm in so much pain from reaching out and not being able to get anywhere, I can't stretch anymore.

    I just want out, I hate that I go to sleep every night wishing I would never wake up. I hate opening my eyes every morning and realizing I'm still here, I just wish something would happen to me, something horrible and fast, something painless, if only to make it easy on my parents when the coroner says 'she went so quick she didn't feel anything'. The most pathetic thing, the thing I hate the most, is how I can't bring myself to end it all purposefully because I know my family can't afford a funeral. Something as petty as that, I can't kill myself because my family can't afford it. I grew up well off, and now my family is in such financial crisis that even a simple service would cause them to lose their house, their cars, everything. I hate how I'm self-sacrificing. I'm not afraid, I don't have many that would miss me, it's all about fucking money, and how I don't want to burden my family with debt. I can't even fucking do one thing for myself, one last thing without worrying about how much it will cost.

    I'm tired of all of this, I just want to die, because when you're dead, you're alone because you choose to be, not because nobody wants you. I'm done with feeling unwanted and I'm done with being lonely, I just...fucking done.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. The loneliness you feel does not help over-thinking your current situation. Whatever you feel, there is a point in living. We all come to a point in life where we are at low ebb. You need to focus on sometime in order to fight this darkness your are surrounded by. Sitting around does not help the situation but you need to find the determination to make life worth living. Family relationships are hard but it does not mean that they do not care.

    You important and trust me a lot of people here do care as they do not like people suffering alone. The important thing is that you keep posting here for support. I plead with you not do anything as you deserve the support and care of this forum. Keep posting as it will help you.
  3. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    I share many of your thoughts and feelings, del lago. I'm invisible everywhere I go. So the feeling of being unwanted and something more is there. Continue to share your thoughts with us.
  4. del lago

    del lago Member

    Tried once again to reach out to some people today, and what a surprise, I was let down. One of them criticized me for my low self esteem, saying I needed to stop being so lame and insecure. The second person I tried to talk to assumed I wanted sex, and began pressuring me to be his fuck buddy. Is this how people act? Is this what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? People not taking me seriously and sitting in my bedroom at the end of the day worse off than how I started? I mean, I guess I can be thankful that one of these people finds me attractive enough for a roll in the hay, but I want something better than that, I want to mean something to someone, and I'm not even talking about a romantic relationship. i just want to matter. I should be thankful I guess for any shred of attention I get, I'm always bitching about how lonely i am, I should snatch up any attention I can while I can still get it.

    I've been staring at this bottle of painkillers for about an hour now, and I still just don't know what would be better, doing it now and being done with it all, or wait until after our family vacation, Jesus Christ I'm in such a bad place right now and all I want is escape, and I'm still worrying about how mad my family will be if I go through with it before the family trip, worried that they'll be angry that I ruined it for everyone.
  5. smf0223

    smf0223 New Member

    :mouse_cheese:everyone is simular you dont relaize it
  6. smf0223

    smf0223 New Member

    l ofuckily I'm out of state so anything that happens to me the state take careS
  7. smf0223

    smf0223 New Member

    Email me smf 0223 @ yahoo .com
  8. smf0223

    smf0223 New Member

  9. del lago

    del lago Member

    I think hitting the bottle will get me through at least until after vacation. I'm giving the world a chance it doesn't deserve, I want to find a reason to stick around, but the harder I look the more disappointed I get, because as hard as I try to look for good, all I see is bullshit and it makes me want to just end it already, I don't want to be around this shit anymore
  10. W Miller

    W Miller Well-Known Member

    Just be careful with the bottle. Fuck the world, and giving them a chance. Give yourself a chance.

    Life is precious. DON'T EVER GIVE UP!!!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I'm curious as to how old you are. It does seem like you do in fact have people to talk to, perhaps you are just approaching them in the wrong way? As for the guy that was pressurizing you to have sex, tell him to sod off, you don't need people like that. I'd suggest ringing the samaritans, they are great, they won't give you advice, just listen...and sometimes just talking and getting it all out can help a lot, you can also email them and they have a text service. I've used them many times, they are very good! Is there anywhere you can get therapy? As I already stated I don't know how old you are but if you're in high school there is probably a counsellor or someone you can speak to there.

    No hitting the bottle! Trust me, you will regret it because life does get better! :hug:

    Keep us updated :)
  12. Anonimo19

    Anonimo19 Member

    I know what is like to feel lonely, if you ever need a partner to listen im here for you, i Skype often
  13. Anonimo19

    Anonimo19 Member

    Hey im lonely too, im just looking for a friend, im pretty awkward as well with other people though not my intention....we can talk if you like, im a good listener. Hope you are doing better.
  14. del lago

    del lago Member

    That's really typical, someone accusing me of going about things the wrong way and telling me I seem childish. I'm well into my twenties thank you, good to know I sound like nothing more than a pathetic child, because it's exactly how I feel. I don't know why I thought joining a forum like this would help, it hasn't at all. Months later I'm still in the same position, everyone telling me 'oh cheer up, things will get better'. I'm watching everyone around me with their lives falling into place and mine just keeps getting more and more warped by the second. I'm nothing but a burden on my parents, I can't drive and I can barely hold a job thanks to my epilepsy, I know it would be easier for everyone involved if I just fell off the face of the goddamn planet.

    I hate the fact that I even exist. I don't want to just die, I want everyone and everything to forget about me completely, I want the memory of my life blanked from the world, so no on would be able to look back and see how pathetic it was.
  15. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    If nothing have changed then why not look into different ways that you can change to feel better about yourself. Have you tried Therapy or Meds or alternative ways to improve your feelings about your situation? Its a given that you have a health issue thats beyond your control and make the best out of it. Look into jobs you can do from home that wont be affected by seizures
  16. What Ever

    What Ever Active Member

    I don't know if I can convey properly in words just how much I relate to what you are saying. Your age, the whole idea of wanting to be forgotten and wanting to matter, the not wanting romance so much as meaning, the sickness towards people telling me that things will get better... It's like, when? Because I've waited quite a long time now. In fact, I haven't been waiting, I've been pretty active in my recovery, but still, it's like I am a ghost. I wish I could say that knowing someone else has the same thoughts out there makes me feel great, but it makes me feel sad that other people go through this too. It is true though, as The Crow said, it can't rain all the time and, when I look back at my life honestly, I can say that it hasn't. There is some good in this world and I do experience it sometimes. Maybe, that's what we hold onto as we fight harder to find more of it. Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I hear you. You are not invisible to me, but rather, in a short series of posts, very clear and visible.
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