Eeyore. It's the name I've given this thing. This thing that lives inside of me and takes over my life. I moved across the US last summer for a better job, and left my wife and kids behind. They were supposed to move this summer to join me. She let me know two weeks ago she wouldn't be making the move. When I offered to come home, she told me she wasn't sure she wanted me back. Because I'm such a miserable person to live with. I've done a lot of thinking the last few days. About me and about the person my wife thinks I am. I hate waking most mornings because reality comes slapping around me like a whirlwind and reminds me why my life sucks. Even though I have a beautiful wife (who I hope I haven't completely pushed away) and three beautiful sons. Eeyore. Pessimist, brooding, withdrawn, anxious, worried, untrusting, self-loathing, no self-confidence. When he takes over, he just .... makes everyone around him miserable too. It's like I don't know how to be happy. Thinking happy thoughts doesn't crowd out the clouds. Everyday is just a different shade of grey, to me. I'm sure I've had "happy" periods. I just ... to make a woman that miserable? What sucks about it is I don't even realize how far down I am, because Eeyore has me wrapped up so tight. I'm 50 years old. I'm on the very brink of loosing my second wife, and I think for the same damn reasons. And its followed me around for as long as I can remember. I always thought suicide was just something every normal person thought about. The people that really need help are the ones who try. For some reason its just now beginning to be clear to me that "normal" people don't think about it like that. They often don't give it much thought at all. So why is it the thought is always somewhere lurking in the back of my head like a memory. Like the key you leave under the flower pot. You know its there when you need it. Or your wallet. You can't remember how or when you picked it up and put it in your pocket this morning, but you can feel it. You know its there. Just put everyone else out of your misery. I've spent the last week reading every page I can on depression, bipolar, dysthymia, anxiety, avoidant, even aspergers and autism ... just trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and how I can get rid of Eeyore.