i dont know what to say here or how to say it. trying to pin down the way i feel is really hard for me. its like the language doesn't fit my thoughts. i just know that i can't work out what to do apart from to kill myself. i'm very alone, i think i'm incapable of connecting with anyone else. i just quit my job and moved out of home, so now i don't even have any family or colleagues around me. i go for days without seeing or talking to anyone. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing with my life. i tried counselling earlier this year, but i ended up just sitting in silence for an hour. i can't verbalise what this is. i've tried to kill myself twice before, both times by overdoses. the first time i guess i didn't know what i was doing and i took the wrong stuff or something, cos after a dodgy night i was totally fine. the second time i think might have worked, but i vomited everything i'd swallowed, though i was still taken to hospital, with the result that everyone i know now knows that i was suicidal. i think they think it's just gone away. it hasn't. i saw a doctor at the same time i tried counselling, and he gave me some pills which didn't really make any difference. i've saved quite a lot of them, and i keep thinking about taking them all at once like i did before. i think about sitting on the railway waitng for a train to hit me. i think about jumping in front of trains on the tube. i think about jumping off motorway bridges. i think about slitting my wrists in the bath. i don't know why i don't do any of those things. i'm worried it won't work. i'm worried it will. i'm worried people will mind. i worry about someone else causing my death, i don't want to do that to another person. all i do is lie in bed all day. i feel so pathetic and useless. i don't know.