I'm tired of fighting

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by The Turtle, Jan 9, 2015.

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  1. The Turtle

    The Turtle New Member

    I was living it up in my late teens and early twenties, but now I'm paying for it. I ran up all kinds of debts, I rarely worked, I spent what little money I could finding ways to have fun. I had lots of random sex without any concern for consequences. Now I'm 33, I've been quasi homeless for most of the past decade. I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, if I find a job a good size of my check gets garnished. I'm in a homeless program that has me living in an apartment that's a roach infested hell hole. I thought I had that one job that would have let me get my shit together and they let me go before the job even started (and that's despite the fact that my previous job let me go upon finding out I have a new job coming up). I'm tired of that fight. I feel like I'm a hamster, running in its hamster wheel, struggling like nothing else but never getting anywhere for it. I'm tired of never getting anywhere. I'm tired of the fight. I don't want to fight like this anymore. I have a girlfriend and she's the only reason I'm still alive right now. If I knew she was going to be taken care of when I died, I would have gone already. Even worrying about my girlfriend is holding me back less and less. Right now, it's a fight just to get me out of bed to do something like eat or shower or brush my teeth or use the toilet. I'm honestly tempted to take the last of my money, <mod edit - methods> and just peacefully drift off.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2015
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Turtle and welcome to the forum, not having the motivation or ''go'' in you to brush teeth, get up,was all are classic signs of depression. I'm glad you have a girlfriend you like and are literally living for her. I'd try and do a course if I were you to higher education to get a good job (that is what I am trying to do myself) , I know it's hard but there's nothing stopping you from following your hopes and dreams except you. Please do not make an attempt on your life. I have permanent damage from an attempt, please trust me it ain't worth it. Keep going along every day and do anything at all that can build up what you want. As they say Rome was not built in a day (my sister is in rome right now-lucky biatch haha).

    Best of luck to you and we are always here.
  3. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Where I used to live there were drop-in centers and other programs for the homeless. Can you get hooked up with one and get on some anti-depressants? It sounds like you need 4-6 weeks on pills and after you're able to get up and get dressed you can take things from there.
  4. The Turtle

    The Turtle New Member

    I've tried things like that. They never seen to work out. I just dug myself in too deep a hole and now I can't get out. If anything, trying to get out of the hole just seems to make my cumulitive problems worse. I wish something could get me out of this, but I feel like I've tried everything and nothing wants to work.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Turtle. So sorry to hear that you are down but you have to fight to live your life. Your girlfriend would miss you. With depression you loose the ability to motivate yourself but it's about surviving on a day by day basis. You set yourself little goals each day and if you don't achieve them then don't be disappointed.

    Please keep posting as we try to.help you as.much as we can.
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