I'm tired of helping other people

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by justdontknowanymore, Feb 8, 2014.

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  1. justdontknowanymore

    justdontknowanymore New Member

    Hi There

    I am 31, gay, and lonely.

    I am just getting my life back together from a previous addition to crack and cocaine and have now been trying to attempt to fit in to the gay world and date men again.

    I have faced nothing but rejection which is why I got into drugs in the first place. I feel like living poison to every person that I'm attracted to. People make fun of me all the time and laugh in my face and expect me to forget about it and consider them friends. I am never invited anywhere nor do I have the energy to constantly invite myself along with people so that I don't spend another night at home smoking weed by myself. I have been talking to this one guy, but it died after I went on a coupledates with him. You are only acceptable to straight girls when you're a loser like me, I am not good enough to meet the gay standard or any man's standard. Maybe I should just screw some chick and use her to make some kids and reap the rewards of tax benefits and all that like the rest of them and then pay for dudes to fuck on the side *shrugs* starting to get like that. I feel like a man is embarrassed to be seen with me. I'm sick of bringing EVERYONE DOWN IN PUBLIC. Why can't I be normal and like oneo f those trophy friends or lovers or whatever that everyone else has, why do I have to be a walking embarrassment?????

    I don't have an education, I can't drive, I haven't left canada or the US. It's been like this since I was outed by my fake friends in highschool. I feel like the biggest loser on the planet.

    I have no fashion sense or knowledge of politics. I feel so stupid. I feel like I have to study like I'm about to write an exam in order to be acceptable for society.

    Does life ever get better? Really? It hasn't for me. It just got really good for a while when I was doing drugs and now it's boring. I think about not being around anymore a lot. I try and figure out who would actually be affeted by it because I don't want my death to mess with anyone's work schedule or anything like that if they get sad or whatever and shit; I would feel bad if other people were sad but I think there would only be about 3 or 4 people that would actually care. Everyone else would laugh or say I told you so.

    I want to fit in with society and be not a fucking miserable ugly disgusting mess and I would like a man to whom i am attracted, be attracted to me. Seems to be something that will never happen. I want a real friend and lover like that who can take me the fuck away from this stupid life where I have to watch everyone else do everything so easily, and meet people easily, and make good decisions, and have relationships with their family and be protected and be defended and be respected. I'm sick and tired of being pulled out like a broom from a closet whenever anyone needs something. I'm sick of watching all these stupid straight girls get everything that I ever wanted and then take it for granted and then make fun of me. I'msick of being made fun of, I want to be someone else with different interests and a different voice and appearance so that I don't have to be embarrassed all the time. I deserve a life too but THE WORLD IS FIGHTING ME AND WONT LET ME HAVE ONE!

    I've tried to get help but I don't know how. General hospitals and doctors just dick you around. I want to talk to a therapist or someone that might possibly care but I think that I'm a lost cause and I should just do something about it.

    I need help and I have no one at all. I don't want to die, but I think I'm going to get really upset one day and try and make that happen. I'm sick of being me. Why did I have to be a stpid ugly shallow skinny useless poor non-ambitious piece of living garbage who can't even fucking dress or looks like a dirty piece of shit everytime he tries to clean himself up. I want to be a real person like everyone else I don't feel human.

    I keep adding to this randomly so I'm just going to post it now. I just want someone to fucking listen to me for one instead of just looking-with-serious-face-in-other-direction-and-then-saying-something-like-that-sucks-and-then-change-subject, whichis what everyone does to me even when I am CONSTANTLY BRINGING EVERYONE ELSE UP BY SUPPORTING THEM WHEN THEY ARE DOWN. I HATE THIS WHEN IS IT MY TURN WHEN WILL SOMEONE /be NICE TO ME I HATE MY LiFE I HATE MY LIFE
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hi :hug:

    You're not a lost cause. I think trying to find a therapist would be a good idea for you... there seems to be a LOT that you need to get out, and I'm no professional, but I get the impression therapy could benefit you.

    Also just wanted to reply so you know someone cares. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me anytime, I'm around here a lot.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to be spending time bringing YOU up ok and the others so call friends well they can look after themselves. Therapy is a good way to get you on a different path someone that will listen and guide you ok I hear you i do and i hope you can get the support you need to move forward hugs
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Be honest with yourself. Do you want those type of men in your life thats so judgemental on the latest fashion fad or do you want to find another men just like you thats normal and wouldnt care how one looks? I understand its brutal out there for gay men. Youre not alone.

    And dont think about being a sperm donor for those ladies itll bite u in the ass the tax returns are nothing compared to child support checks I know of too many fathers paying arm n leg in child support. So think twice.
     
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