i'm tired of living and i want out of this life

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by uglymedusa, Aug 23, 2009.

  1. uglymedusa

    uglymedusa New Member

    i don't know what else to say except i can't do it anymore. i'm tired of feeling sad, of feeling angry, of feeling suffocated, of feeling unattractive, of feeling weird and disgusting, of feeling helpless and having no hope. I'm tired of the stares from ppl judging me, waiting to see if i'll crack. I'm tired of being alone and an outsider but yet i hate ppl and i puke at the thought of embracing humanity. My mind never stops thinking about death, it's the first thing i think about when i wake up and the first thing i think about when i lie down. I feel as though i'm drowning and i've been feeling this way for most of my life. I'm dumb and worthless and i can't seem to be actually be anything beyond that.

    I had goals once, even in my saddness i had dreams once. I had hoped to matter to many people. To do things to help the ones I wanted to help, but I even failed at that. I used to love to read, write, paint and play music. I used to dance and sing, but all that is lost now. I have no energy now and yes I've seen doctors on top of doctors and they all seem so judgmental and cold. They were all so uncaring and thought of me as petty, as if i don't exist. They couldn't see that i wanted to kill them, kill someone, i get soo angry, so much rage and i don't know why, not really. I look at my peers on facebook, how pathetic i am, i see how happy they are. They are the ones who have the easy lives, the carefree nature, and all the love and support of family and friends. I think about myself, i have no one. No, not anyone. I'm a loner, what should i expect, when i grew up alone and live alone. Everytime I see their photos, i wish to God, that he had made me beautiful too. That he had made me special too; smart, funny, carefree, good and remarkeable. I look at their happy faces and wonder how can they be that happy. Why were they blessed with happiness and I wasn't? Then I get hateful all over again;from saddness to hate, from anger to tears. I don't know what any other emotion feels like anymore.

    I was laughed at and beaten up. I was told that I would never make it in anything I attempted to do. I was picked on, spit upon, burned, scarred and stared at. I have now become the beast that people stay away from, the thing that people look at and cringe. I see them and they are afraid of me, that gives me a little pleasure. atleast i have that much power. And I pretend i don't see them but i do. they never see me cry but i do, i cry more times than i can count. Sometimes the tears never stop coming and I'm tired of constantly feeling like mud, a mud person am i. but i know what i am, i know what i was created to be, a plague on humanity and a monster to those with their happy perfect lives....God if i could change one thing, I would never want to see their mocking smiles ever again. never again. i have no love to give anyone because i can't love anymore. no companion to comfort me, to hold me. i've never been held by anyone, never been kissed by anyone, never told i love you by anyone. but how could anyone love a scarred monster, a sleeping volcano ready to erupt. yes, you'll never know who i am nor will anyone else know. but if one looks hard enough, then they will see what i'm capable of doing, what i feel like doing.

    those happy ppl with the perfect smiles, the goodlooking beautiful people....i hate them....i could seriously hurt them....why them.....so many people are suffering and how come they are the ones blessed? the ones who are beautiful, beautiful and handsome peers; my peers, ha yeah right my peers who i could strangle with my bare hands one by one. i can make them feel pain all i have to do is slaughter each and every one of them, to give back what they gave so generously to me....i hope that before i leave, i'll be able to do just that. but i guess that time.........i should ask myself to take it or dish it out? that is the question says the one who has the face of a man.
     
  2. CPessimist

    CPessimist Well-Known Member

    well... I was captivated by your writing so that's a plus.

    I... kinda don't really know what to say other than shit that's cliche as hell or obvious. "there's someone out there for everyone" blah blah blah, I'm sure you've heard all that bullshit before. I think, though, that if you work as hard as you can towards making yourself more beautiful and seeking a partner you'll find someone, even if it does suck balls sometimes.

    So... yea, just didn't want you to feel unheard since no one posted. Really do like your writing though.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think anger management classes would be beneficial to release allthis pain and anger inside you in a healthy way. No way anyone can be blamed for being good looking and having friends. Good looking people have problems the same as every one else. Some have social issues anixety issues feel their friends are phoney. You have anger so much of it you really need help to get control of all this pain and i thing a therapist one that deals with anger would be the best route. Keep venting the anger away in your writing as it does help keep screaming and yelling here but also get anger therapy so you can have control over what is eating you up inside. I am sorry you are so sad so full of rage and you need and deserve help please try.
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forums!! I think you need some help to get you on the right path.. This world sucks now a days but you can find your little corner of peace by seeing a professional.. Give it time because you have to open up to them and build that trust between you..I haven't had anyone in my life for the last sixteen years but I don't blame anyone but myself for this.. Please consider getting help...