i don't know what else to say except i can't do it anymore. i'm tired of feeling sad, of feeling angry, of feeling suffocated, of feeling unattractive, of feeling weird and disgusting, of feeling helpless and having no hope. I'm tired of the stares from ppl judging me, waiting to see if i'll crack. I'm tired of being alone and an outsider but yet i hate ppl and i puke at the thought of embracing humanity. My mind never stops thinking about death, it's the first thing i think about when i wake up and the first thing i think about when i lie down. I feel as though i'm drowning and i've been feeling this way for most of my life. I'm dumb and worthless and i can't seem to be actually be anything beyond that. I had goals once, even in my saddness i had dreams once. I had hoped to matter to many people. To do things to help the ones I wanted to help, but I even failed at that. I used to love to read, write, paint and play music. I used to dance and sing, but all that is lost now. I have no energy now and yes I've seen doctors on top of doctors and they all seem so judgmental and cold. They were all so uncaring and thought of me as petty, as if i don't exist. They couldn't see that i wanted to kill them, kill someone, i get soo angry, so much rage and i don't know why, not really. I look at my peers on facebook, how pathetic i am, i see how happy they are. They are the ones who have the easy lives, the carefree nature, and all the love and support of family and friends. I think about myself, i have no one. No, not anyone. I'm a loner, what should i expect, when i grew up alone and live alone. Everytime I see their photos, i wish to God, that he had made me beautiful too. That he had made me special too; smart, funny, carefree, good and remarkeable. I look at their happy faces and wonder how can they be that happy. Why were they blessed with happiness and I wasn't? Then I get hateful all over again;from saddness to hate, from anger to tears. I don't know what any other emotion feels like anymore. I was laughed at and beaten up. I was told that I would never make it in anything I attempted to do. I was picked on, spit upon, burned, scarred and stared at. I have now become the beast that people stay away from, the thing that people look at and cringe. I see them and they are afraid of me, that gives me a little pleasure. atleast i have that much power. And I pretend i don't see them but i do. they never see me cry but i do, i cry more times than i can count. Sometimes the tears never stop coming and I'm tired of constantly feeling like mud, a mud person am i. but i know what i am, i know what i was created to be, a plague on humanity and a monster to those with their happy perfect lives....God if i could change one thing, I would never want to see their mocking smiles ever again. never again. i have no love to give anyone because i can't love anymore. no companion to comfort me, to hold me. i've never been held by anyone, never been kissed by anyone, never told i love you by anyone. but how could anyone love a scarred monster, a sleeping volcano ready to erupt. yes, you'll never know who i am nor will anyone else know. but if one looks hard enough, then they will see what i'm capable of doing, what i feel like doing. those happy ppl with the perfect smiles, the goodlooking beautiful people....i hate them....i could seriously hurt them....why them.....so many people are suffering and how come they are the ones blessed? the ones who are beautiful, beautiful and handsome peers; my peers, ha yeah right my peers who i could strangle with my bare hands one by one. i can make them feel pain all i have to do is slaughter each and every one of them, to give back what they gave so generously to me....i hope that before i leave, i'll be able to do just that. but i guess that time.........i should ask myself to take it or dish it out? that is the question says the one who has the face of a man.