Im tired of living when I've dug my own grave

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 13 Steps, Sep 17, 2014.

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  1. 13 Steps

    13 Steps New Member

    Let me first start by saying that I used to be a happy person. I used to love my life. I had a decent amount of friends. And the decent amount of friends that I had were amazing friends. But, I made some really bad decisions that led me to a new point in my life in which suicide seems like such a wonderful option.
    A year ago, I was an 18 year old happy guy. I had a pretty great senior year. My parents are Indian and never let me do anything in my life other than sit at home and study. in Senior year, they let me go out and have fun. I was able to go to friends houses, and I still did well in my classes. I was taking full IB, and this helped me get into an out of state public university. I got my IB diploma, and I performed in my high school production. I played Richie, and I had lots of fun. I had wonderful classes with people I enjoyed being around.
    So, going into college my freshman year, I felt great. I was nervous, but I was ready to have fun. I met my roommates, and I knew I was about to have a good time. I learned that my roommates and I shared something in common: we smoked weed. It was so good to know that I was living with new smoking buddies. They even had a volcano vaporizer, which allowed us to smoke weed in our dorm room without anyone smelling the weed. I was ready to finally live a life without my parents yelling at me or telling me what to do or not letting my socialize and party and smoke.
    So, this is where my life turns bad. The vaporizer made my stay in my dorm and smoke with my roommates. I only left the room to eat and that was barely. Most of the time I just ordered out using my parents credit card without letting them know. I didn't socialize. I didn't go to class. I loved my new fun life so much i forgot that I was in school. I never did my work. I failed all my exams. In the end my grades were so bad, I only passed 2 classes out of 5. I was placed under academic probation.
    The main problem was, my parents thought I was doing great. So when they found out that i was under probation, they were furious. I thought I could keep up the lie, but I couldn't. They were so mad that I had lied to them. See, in high school, this could have happened. But whenever I showed even a hint of slipping, my teachers would call me out. and i would get As and Bs. But to college professors, I was a student ID number. They didn't warn me. And they didn't warn my parents. This led to many fights and yelling with my parents. My older sister only backed them up, which was the wort part. She was my sister. she encouraged them to yell at me and told them what to say to deal with me. They had secret convos, but I heard them all. She was supposed to support me, make them see that the situation wasnt too bad. and she didnt even ask if I was okay. she never gave me advice. and of course, being Indian, I couldn't be known to have bad grades. So i wasn't allowed to tell anyone. I was suffering on my own.
    The next semester came, and I got depressed. Every day my parents would call to yell at me and say how I couldn't mess up, or else I wold be kicked out of college. I was so scared, that I just wanted to forget about all my problems and smoke. Which I did. All semester to make a long story short. out of 5 classes I only failed one. But that was enough to get me kicked out of the university.
    And Naturally like the idiot I am. I had lied. Again. To run away from my problems. and when they found out I had been kicked out? that was the end. Never before had my parents been so dissapointed in me. They built a hate for me. and looked at me like I was a disgrace. Being the disgrace I now was, I become a non degree student. No Housing, which meant I had to live at home.
    And this is where I am now. I commute to school every day now with my dad. He never fails to remind me of how much they are struggling because I failed out. And whenever I am remotely happy, here comes mom and dad to yell at me on how I am not studying enough, on how I dont have any more chances, and how I need to get As so I can become a matriculated student again. I know they are trying to help remind me that I messed up and that I can't anymore, but it sucks that they cannot see that. I try to talk to them about how I feel. Instead, they just twist whatever I say so that it is my fault.
    And I cannot lie. They are not wrong. I failed out. I smoked too much. I decided to not study. I dissapointed my parents. I lied to them. and I messed everything up. But being reminded everyday of my failures is wearing me down. I'm a failure, and the road to me getting my life back is gonna rough. Even if I do become a matriculated student again, I'll be a year behind. the Indian community or anyone else i know will know I messed up because I'll be graduating a year later than I am supposed to be. and I can't talk to my parents about my sorrows, because they'll yell at me in the end. I can't talk to my friends, because that'll make people and soon I'll be an embarrassment to my parents. and I can't leave the house to get away form my parents because they won't let me. and my sister who is supposed to be there for me is in the carribean for med school. but she wouldn't help. my sister facetimes with my parents and gives them content to yell at me about. like how I havent gotten back my first two quiz grades, and my sister says thats impossible and told my mom to question me about it. which lead to a long scolding from my parents about how I have to tell the truth and I can;t lie anymore. My life could not be more terrible.
    Which is why I am posting on this forum. with my life so terrible, my first suicidal thoughts came when I received notice that I was kicked out. Now, with the mess at home, I have suicidal thoughts almost every day. I'm sick of this. sick of the never ending crap because I was eager to finally have a fun life. and now, my life couldn't be worse. I don't even think anyone will read this. It's long, and I'm sure other people have much worse problems than me. This was all my fault. I dug my own grave. I just needed to vent my thoughts. Because who else will listen?
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You have already identified the real problem - and the real problem is not your parents or anything of the sort. If you are 5 classes behind you can easily make those up and graduate on time by taking a summer semester and a couple 18 ch semesters. Parents are angry because they love you and want you to be successful. Real problem is you need to stop smoking weed- end of. If you decide to do that all your problems become history. All it takes is a semester or two high on deans list to get all else fixed. If you are trying to figure out how to fix all of it and still smoke weed then you are facing a losing battle. You can have a"fun life" - you just cant ignore life and do nothing but party.
     
  3. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    You seem to have the ability to identify the problems surfacing, you need to make a decision. If you want to improve your grades ditch weed and spend more time revising. I am sure you do not want to let your parents down. I know it can be difficult, I would suggest you get a therapist to sort out your issues.

    There is nothing that cannot be resolved.
     
  4. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    You are clear about the type of problems affecting you and their main causes. So other than suicidal thoughts, have you also thought about ways to help yourself in which you can clearly do now even without anyone telling you how and when to do so?

    I'm eager to have a fun life too. I did not take any kind of drugs that affected my studies. Being someone who has never been really good at studies, taking any kind of drugs or indulging in any other kind of intoxicants like alcohol would mean almost immediate failure to complete my studies.

    I too support the above poster's suggestion to see a therapist to help you with your issues.

    Keep us updated on your decisions. We will be listening.
     
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