I'm tired of living.

[-L-]

I just don't want to go on living, it may be selfish, but I also can't live for others.

In my life there are many things that I would change, but the one that bothers me the most is social isolation, since I was a child I have not been able to relate normally with others, so I tend to be alone and it is almost impossible for me to make friends, I am really convinced that that I have Asperger, but I am not diagnosed, I would like to go to a psychiatrist and find a diagnosis, it is really horrible to feel just being so young and with no hope that it will change because it is just what I am, and it does not help me the typical phrase of "each one is as he is" I prefer to die.

To this, it must be added that my sexuality is "peculiar", I am attracted to cis women, but I have no sexual desire for cis women, only trans women, this has two major problems, most of them find it insulting You like them for being trans and also, statistically there are fewer than cis women, if we add social isolation to this my chances of finding a partner are 0.

The only friend I had, I met him during childhood, he thought that we really were friends, but he only used me to let off steam and he did not care in the least, it is really sad.

I have been diagnosed with OCD for a few years, I was diagnosed when I was admitted to mental health for a failed suicide attempt, I took medication and it did not help me, sometimes OCD is really horrible.

My hands are sick, I find it hard to move my fingers and write on the keyboard, because of that I can't work, I've been like this for years and they don't diagnose me, they don't know what's wrong with me. I also have severe insomnia for three years, I have tried a lot of medication and nothing helps me except lormetazepan, and it has less and less effect on me, hopefully I can sleep 4 hours. Insomnia multiplies by 1000 my suicidal ideas.

 

[GMody]

Sorry but what's CIS? Docs can't identify your hand problem? Take a second opinion. I am in the same boat as you only less lonely. Separated from wife. Kids stay with them. I meet them when I can. Have tried one feeble suicide attempt in 2016. Why don't you find someone online. There are plenty of sites. Join a group..that way you can meet people. Develop a hobby...will get rid of boredom. Insomnia is a big problem. Have you tried melatonin? Check it out. Good luck.

 

[-L-]

Sorry but what's CIS? Docs can't identify your hand problem? Take a second opinion. I am in the same boat as you only less lonely. Separated from wife. Kids stay with them. I meet them when I can. Have tried one feeble suicide attempt in 2016. Why don't you find someone online. There are plenty of sites. Join a group..that way you can meet people. Develop a hobby...will get rid of boredom. Insomnia is a big problem. Have you tried melatonin? Check it out. Good luck.

Cis is basically "no trans", and yes, insomnia is a very serious problem, it is horrible, I have tried melatonin, it does nothing to me, I have a sleep schedule, I keep meals away from bedtime, etc. .

About socializing I have already tried it, I have forced myself to socialize, both online and in real life and it is impossible for me, I have always been like this, I have been trying for years. And my hand problem, I have also been testing and visiting doctors for years without them knowing what is happening to me.

 

[dandelion s]

I am really convinced that that I have Asperger, but I am not diagnosed, I would like to go to a psychiatrist and find a diagnosis, it is really horrible to feel just being so young and with no hope that it will change because it is just what I am, and it does not help me the typical phrase of "each one is as he is" I prefer to die.

My hands are sick, I find it hard to move my fingers and write on the keyboard, because of that I can't work, I've been like this for years and they don't diagnose me, they don't know what's wrong with me.

hi L,
i dont know if i am going to be helpful (i’m not a doctor) but you have mentinoed a couple things that are issues i am going through and maybe i can offer something of value.

i just happened to be discussing something with my therapist that may be pertinent here. you mentioned a problem with your hands. my therapist and i were discussing something i brought up that applies to me and she suggested alexithymia as a possibility. a brief definition is “inability to identify and express or describe one's feelings” but resulting from this is somatic complaints/disorders - unexplainable physiological conditions. so i though i should mention it. i think a psychologist or psychiatrist would be more able to identify it than an MD.

then as for being socially isolated, i am too, and my therapist is certain i have asperger’s. there are many things that point to it. i have many diagnoses but asperger’s only unofficially from my therapist. what complicates this for me is that i believe my father - while i was growing up - had a way of making sure i would feel very wrong by finding and choosing friends. i always felt as if anyone i could like was not up to the level of requirements of my family for friendship. the standards that were set were actually impossible to meet and as a result i have/had no friends (except for briefly while in college).

as i presently consider my mental state, i do think both this and asperger’s may be in action. so i wanted to mention the upbringing part as something else you might be able to consider. of course from what you’ve said here i have no way of knowing but i thought mention might be helpful.

if you are having trouble finding help pertaining to asperger’s, i know of an organization in New York that could be helpful. i can give you a link if you would like. i don’t think you have to be a new yorker to get information/help from them so please let me know!

well, i’m happy to talk more if you’d like. i’m hoping i’ve been helpful. hope to see you around.

 

[-L-]

hi L,
i dont know if i am going to be helpful (i’m not a doctor) but you have mentinoed a couple things that are issues i am going through and maybe i can offer something of value.

i just happened to be discussing something with my therapist that may be pertinent here. you mentioned a problem with your hands. my therapist and i were discussing something i brought up that applies to me and she suggested alexithymia as a possibility. a brief definition is “inability to identify and express or describe one's feelings” but resulting from this is somatic complaints/disorders - unexplainable physiological conditions. so i though i should mention it. i think a psychologist or psychiatrist would be more able to identify it than an MD.

then as for being socially isolated, i am too, and my therapist is certain i have asperger’s. there are many things that point to it. i have many diagnoses but asperger’s only unofficially from my therapist. what complicates this for me is that i believe my father - while i was growing up - had a way of making sure i would feel very wrong by finding and choosing friends. i always felt as if anyone i could like was not up to the level of requirements of my family for friendship. the standards that were set were actually impossible to meet and as a result i have/had no friends (except for briefly while in college).

as i presently consider my mental state, i do think both this and asperger’s may be in action. so i wanted to mention the upbringing part as something else you might be able to consider. of course from what you’ve said here i have no way of knowing but i thought mention might be helpful.

if you are having trouble finding help pertaining to asperger’s, i know of an organization in New York that could be helpful. i can give you a link if you would like. i don’t think you have to be a new yorker to get information/help from them so please let me know!

well, i’m happy to talk more if you’d like. i’m hoping i’ve been helpful. hope to see you around.

Hello, thanks for answering, in my case the subject of the hands I do not think is something somatic, I notice that it is something physical, but I do not know what.

As for the Asperger, I would like to have a diagnosis and for this I have to find a psychiatrist in my city, thanks for the help, but I do not know to what extent they can help me living in Spain.

 

[dandelion s]

but I do not know to what extent they can help me living in Spain.

yes that is pretty far in terms of this organization’s reach but they do have a provider listed in Great Britain and i think the Middle East. They do provide lots of info so maybe there is something that might be useful. here is their link. https://www.aane.org/