I'm tired of saying "I'm sorry" TW

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Sep 5, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    I constantly always say I'm sorry. About literally everything. I'm bipolar and have PTSD.

    I know I have anger issues and that I get stressed out. Sometimes I like to be alone by myself. I'm independent and like to be alone by myself. This is why sometimes I pull away and get distant because I don't think people honestly know the struggle I have to deal with everyday.

    People get upset because I disappear for a few days and need to be alone because it's so emotionally draining and I get so tired and sometimes all I want to do is sleep and just lay in bed and watch TV. I don't even want to talk to anyone. I'm so weak and tired. My family wants me to get up and do stuff and I just want to scream on top of my lungs, "Just leave me alone!!! Go away! Please go away! Act like I'm not even here please! Please!"

    Sometimes they want to put me in another hospital to get help. I don't want to go to another hospital. I just want to sleep and watch TV and relax. I'm so mentally tired and drained from this entire year by everything I've been through. I think I deserve that by all the surgeries I've been through this year. Not to long ago I suffered from another UTI and that was so hard on me because it was so painful. I cried in the bathroom when I got one again.

    My whole body is so tired. I need to rest and relax for once. For once I need to take care of myself. All I want is some piece and quiet and watch some TV and lay in bed and relax. It's not like I'm not getting out of bed. I still take a shower and eat and take care of myself. I just want to rest.

    So much has happened this year too and so many people I know has abused drugs who is closest to me. There's been times where I get up in the middle of the night and I cry on the back porch. I've even abused drugs because I was trying to numb pain from all the abuse that I've been through. There's so much abuse that I've been through that I tried to numb all my pain by abusing drugs. Now I'm finally clean. There's a friend of mine who ran away from home and his mother has no idea where he is. He abused Crystal Meth. She talks to me on Facebook. I seriously hate drugs so much.....I hate when it does and how it destroys people's families. This is another reason why I'm so depressed. If he ever gets in contact with me again on Facebook and still abusing Crystal Meth, I have to let him go. I'll continue to be there for his mother though. She's such a lovely lady and I love talking to her. I've also love my step brother to a Heroin overdose and my older brother's old girlfriend died of a Heroin overdose as well.

    I'm just tired of all this pain. I'm so tired of it.......

    Sorry for all this drama.... :(
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    It's not drama...it's pain. I know the exhaustion that you can get from too much emotional trauma and stress. It feels like your emotions are filled to the top and one more thing can make you tip over. It's hard to find strength. But it's so important to rest because that kind of emotional stress can definitely have an affect on your physical health. Have you told your family that you are physically exhausted and can't find your energy and that you need to rest? They likely think that by you staying in bed and relaxing, you're making your condition worse, but I do know how you feel. Is there any way you can get away on your own for a little bit? Away from the family? I don't know your situation, so that's just a general suggestion.

    I'm very proud of you for getting clean, considering all of the drug influences around you. I too agree that drug use is simply destruction.

    UTI's SUCK. I HATE THEM. I had them a lot when I was younger. I've had 3 of them in the last four years. I take a cranberry pill each day and since I've been doing that, they haven't come back. I hate hate hate them, I'm sorry you're having that pain. xx
  3. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    Ever since I got precancer on my cervix and Kidney Stones it seems like I'm prone to them now. I go to the doctor soon and I plan to tell him about how many UTI's I've had. I've also noticed how I go to the bathroom a lot and I think it's due to me getting surgeries. Think I may need to be on medication for that as well. I have a lot of spasms during the day, it really sucks. Believe this is why I keep getting UTI's and bladder infections. Last night I woke up three times to go to the bathroom. My mother told me to keep a journal blog on how many times I go to the bathroom. I don't drink any caffeine because I'm bipolar and I don't drink any alcohol. My diet is pretty healthy now too.

    I wish I could get away from my family, I really do. I don't even drive to be honest because I have a fear of driving after getting into two car accidents. I'm actually planning on getting my license though soon because this fear has pretty much taken over my year for years. I've even avoided college because I thought I wouldn't be good enough due to low self esteem. For now I think I'm just going to relax in bed and maybe take a little nap. If my family asks me I'll explain to them quietly about what's going on. I hate the UTI's too, I really do.

    Back in October and November of last year I suffered from Bladder Infections due to Kidney Stones and Precancer on my cervix and than in June of this year I needed surgery to get the Kidney Stone removed and had to have a stent put in for six days. It was so painful for me. I'm so worn out and tired out. I just need rest right now.

    Hope I didn't seem angry in my post. I don't want to scare anyone away from me. I'm actually a very nice person, I just had a very long year.

    I really want to help others on the Forum and give them advice, I just don't have the strength right now. I promise once I get my strength back I'll be here for other people.

    I've just had a rough two years and I hope everyone understands.
  4. RainbowCoyote

    RainbowCoyote Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear that you have had some rough years.
    I am glad, though to hear that you are clean.
    What you described is 100% not drama, it is life, and pain, and obstacles. And don't worry, you certainly didn't seem angry in your post.

    For the wanting to be alone part; are you an introvert or extrovert (or somewhere in between)? I am quite introverted, so i gain energy from being alone doing my own thing or being around one, maybe two close friends (like my partner lately, or her and my cousin when he was visiting). I lose energy very, very quickly when i am around people and just want to go home and sleep. I don't do parties or crowds because of that (i am slowly coming out of my bubble tho).
    Maybe consider that as an explanation as to why you want to be alone so much.
    It could also just be as simple as mental illness taking a toll on your body.

    But i agree with you, you DO deserve some relaxation and alone time! Everyone deserves what makes them feel calm and happy, and if having some time alone to just cry it all out, or watch a movie, or gain back some energy, or even just to take a shower and then take a nap...if that would make you feel more like yourself then of course you deserve it. I am very sad to hear that you don't always have the opportunity to do so.
    Is there any way you can incorporate family time into your alone time? I know it sounds kind of ridiculous to include others in your alone time-- and i am all for 'do what makes YOU happy, not what pleases others' --, but if you were able to maybe watch a movie with your parents one night and spend the next alone, do you think that would help with you wanting to be alone but others wanting you to do stuff? Now, i don't know what your friends/family are like, so i could be right off the deep end in suggesting this; you know your situation better than anyone else.

    I hope you can find some ways to lift your spirits. You seem like a very, VERY kind person...not to mention your avatar is quite cute :)

    Strength and courage, my friend.
    Frances M likes this.
  5. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Me again =)
    I personally think you are one of the kindest people I have ever met. You have a big heart. I am really glad we started talking, and I have got to know you a little bit.

    I care for you , ok

    Take Care of Yourself
    Frances M likes this.
  6. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    No, you don't seem angry at all, you poor girl! (I'm assuming girl) You have been through too much physically...I would be in bed for ages and not get up. The reason I mentioned the cranberry pills is because cranberry is known to have an ingredient that helps to keep bacteria from "sticking" for lack of other word, to the walls of the urethra, so it pushes the bacteria through, helping to prevent UTI's. I take a chewable one each morning, 500mg and it really helps. It's not scientifically proven and many will say it's a "myth" but the results I've had are proof enough to me that it works, drinking lots of water helps too. I find sugary stuff makes me more irritated so I avoid that too. I get up a lot during the night as well, but that might just be my age showing itself!! ;)

    I think your approach of quietly telling your family about your physical pain is a good one. Ask for understanding, hopefully they'll give it to you.

    By the way, I didn't get my driver's license until I was in my 30's. I was terrified to be on the road, there are so many bad drivers out there who use their vehicles as weapons. But once I got it, I felt a great freedom, I think it's a good goal for you to have, and to face your fears. School for me was also terrifying because I have trouble with my concentration. I have to work extra hard to retain things, I got through it though. Maybe once your physical health is manageable, you can start part-time or something.

    I hope you were able to relax! I feel so much empathy for you! xx
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