I feel like I'm trying to run, but.....in outer space. Every move I make robs me of energy, the energy I need to survive this cold meaningless patch of time we call "life", im kicking my legs and swinging my arms but all I do is go round n round n round n round!! The harder I try the faster I spin and the more confused i become. Disorientated is a good word that describes how I spend most of the time throughout the day. Struggling to get my bearings. When I seem to get close I run Into a storm and get thrown off again. I'm disgusted with my inability to keep shit together when life's troubles happen. Every fucking time I go through a big change I get down like this and I'm sick of it. Even in between I deal with this shit, not being motivated, missing work, not takin care of myself.....I'm a fucking WRECK!! I want to shoot myself, the times when I get down I know I would have the courage to do it. I won't be afraid. I'm worthless, I can't even forgive myself for what I've done, why would anyone else? I've failed as a husband and father, the only things I wanted to be. I really just don't feel the need to live anymore. The kids are gone, Neek is gone. That's all I had. All I wanted but I let this disease get out of control and destroy my family; my life.