Im tired

[kadashis blood]

hi. i used to come her ealot, ben then a few months ago i started focusing my life more and began to try and work things out. i started working out, adn i started doing my homework. i stoped coming here, and i stoped messing around with my life i becam focused and i started working.

except..i was stil smoking pot. now, generly thats nto the worse thign to do, but when you are 17 and you are bipolar that can seriously screw peopel up.

anyways....i began to notice i couldnt proces thigns as quickly as i once could, couldnt think quite as well, could form sentences. i became so bussy also that i didnt have th time to think or even enjoy thinking. if i wast doing work, i was working out, if i wasnt working out iw as helping my freinds. their lives seemed to fal lapart when mine got together. i trided helping them, and i did help alot, btu then other got upset wiht me, and i stil had som much work, and it just kept piling up. i cant rember when i say this or do that, peopels names, ideas. im having trouble reading others handwriting, ic ant seem to push my brain too much anymore. this is the worse its been in a while. i htink i had a panic atack today too, adn i coudlnt do anythign for liek an hour i just stoped thinking in the middl eof school. i was totaly out of it.

my mind is all i have realy. every time id ever get deprese dor upset, when i was suicidal or cuting or anythign, my only companion has been my mind. and every time i begin to get dperesed, i lose control of it. it feels liek that again, and i dont want that to happen to me. i was actualy getting better, adn now im panicing. peopel i knwo are mad at me, adn some of them are nasty to me, adn i jsut cant deal wiht it right now. im afraid to tell anyone because i dont want them thinking im goign insane again. it hurt enough the first time. ive been helping everyone, btu i can task for help. i despise doing that. it makes me feal weak and useless. i mean, i understand that help is a nesecery in life, adn that peopel nee dit at some point and its not bad to ask for it, but i feal liek askign these peopel i know for help is just wrong. i also cant wait to get out of here, i want to go away somwhere else. i jsu twan tto forget the last 10 years of my lfie and go on wiht it. i was going to talk to my shrink about this but hes jsut talking to me about college issues. im realy jsut tired of dealig with everyones problomes and always jsut suporting myself. i mean, ive never done this before and its hard now tha tim doing, but nwo i feal obligated to feel this way. and is till feal liek i cant help myself, every day i have to get up adn tell myself "you can do it. go on, get out of bed, your stronger then you think" but thers alway a part of my that says im weak or stupid. im always afraid that im goign to wake up one morning and find tha ti cant think anymore.

i just wan tto be alone for a while. jsut be me and not deal with other or worry abotu if they hat eme o liek me or if i hav eto ge tin to colloge or if im good enough or smart or naything. i used to wan tpeople to understand me, or to be a bette rperson. no wi just want to rest, i just want to forget i even exist. i dont want to die, ive been there....i just want to be alone.

i had to come here because ther is no other way i can tell anyone. i always let somthign slip or i always say somthing i dont like latter on to people. i hav eto be completly anonymus to others. i jsut want to cry or somthing. to somone i dont know jsu tlet it out, and then mov eon with my life.

...my issues arnt as big as other peoples. if you read this, then thanks for caring.

 

[consciousinsane]

Your issues are not as big as others? That's not true. They are just as big or bigger! They are yours. they are real. It's your perception that justifies how big they are. Not ours, or anyone elses. We all need to honor how you feel about your problems and deal with them that way, not by what we think about it.
Secondly, stop smoking the pot. I've been there. Used to smoke everyday. You seem to value your mind, and ability to think. The pot WILL destroy all that if you don't stop. It's called "burn out" True it don't happen to everyone, but why take that chance. I stopped, I miss it, but I'm ever so glad I have not done it anymore!!
Your therapist should talk about what is important to you. Tell him/her that you acknowledge that college is important. But before we concentrate on that, you need to get back on track first. Then explain how your feeling. Don't worry about feeling weak and stupid. I feel weak and stupid everyday. Take little steps if it bothers you really bad. Maybe start with just part of your story and get comfortable working with that, then add more later.
I hope your able to figure things out and get clear minded again. It seems you have a good head on your shoulders and you truly want to do well. I think if you look deep down, you'll find the will power to overcome your problems (WITH help if needed). Now, take a moment and smile! :biggrin:

 

[missykate]

I feel like I am in a similar situation. I did stop smoking pot though...not that hard for me. The hard part for me was/is the alcohol. My doctor threatened to switch my diagnosis if I didn't stop drinking. Everyone my age drinks. I know two people that don't drink.
It is hard...but like they said. One step at a time. I did the whole freak out thing...scary. Just remember to breath...someone once told me you can get through anything if you just remember to breath.
That's the best advice I can give right now....and you are just as important as anyone else.

 

[LetItGo]

I use to smoke pot and hash when I was at Uni, only for about 2 years pretty hard. Ive seen others that have done it for 20 odd years with no real effect, then Ive seen others again that have a really bad reaction to it. Its a drug....and theres no way it can be good for your body or your brain.

Im pretty liberal when it comes to drugs, but not liberal enough to think it doesnt cause harm.

You should take a break from it...youve probably developed a psychological dependence on it. Id definately recommend sticking clear of it while in treatment.