hi. i used to come her ealot, ben then a few months ago i started focusing my life more and began to try and work things out. i started working out, adn i started doing my homework. i stoped coming here, and i stoped messing around with my life i becam focused and i started working. except..i was stil smoking pot. now, generly thats nto the worse thign to do, but when you are 17 and you are bipolar that can seriously screw peopel up. anyways....i began to notice i couldnt proces thigns as quickly as i once could, couldnt think quite as well, could form sentences. i became so bussy also that i didnt have th time to think or even enjoy thinking. if i wast doing work, i was working out, if i wasnt working out iw as helping my freinds. their lives seemed to fal lapart when mine got together. i trided helping them, and i did help alot, btu then other got upset wiht me, and i stil had som much work, and it just kept piling up. i cant rember when i say this or do that, peopels names, ideas. im having trouble reading others handwriting, ic ant seem to push my brain too much anymore. this is the worse its been in a while. i htink i had a panic atack today too, adn i coudlnt do anythign for liek an hour i just stoped thinking in the middl eof school. i was totaly out of it. my mind is all i have realy. every time id ever get deprese dor upset, when i was suicidal or cuting or anythign, my only companion has been my mind. and every time i begin to get dperesed, i lose control of it. it feels liek that again, and i dont want that to happen to me. i was actualy getting better, adn now im panicing. peopel i knwo are mad at me, adn some of them are nasty to me, adn i jsut cant deal wiht it right now. im afraid to tell anyone because i dont want them thinking im goign insane again. it hurt enough the first time. ive been helping everyone, btu i can task for help. i despise doing that. it makes me feal weak and useless. i mean, i understand that help is a nesecery in life, adn that peopel nee dit at some point and its not bad to ask for it, but i feal liek askign these peopel i know for help is just wrong. i also cant wait to get out of here, i want to go away somwhere else. i jsu twan tto forget the last 10 years of my lfie and go on wiht it. i was going to talk to my shrink about this but hes jsut talking to me about college issues. im realy jsut tired of dealig with everyones problomes and always jsut suporting myself. i mean, ive never done this before and its hard now tha tim doing, but nwo i feal obligated to feel this way. and is till feal liek i cant help myself, every day i have to get up adn tell myself "you can do it. go on, get out of bed, your stronger then you think" but thers alway a part of my that says im weak or stupid. im always afraid that im goign to wake up one morning and find tha ti cant think anymore. i just wan tto be alone for a while. jsut be me and not deal with other or worry abotu if they hat eme o liek me or if i hav eto ge tin to colloge or if im good enough or smart or naything. i used to wan tpeople to understand me, or to be a bette rperson. no wi just want to rest, i just want to forget i even exist. i dont want to die, ive been there....i just want to be alone. i had to come here because ther is no other way i can tell anyone. i always let somthign slip or i always say somthing i dont like latter on to people. i hav eto be completly anonymus to others. i jsut want to cry or somthing. to somone i dont know jsu tlet it out, and then mov eon with my life. ...my issues arnt as big as other peoples. if you read this, then thanks for caring.