My counselor told me the other day in our session that it should be the prime time of my life. I'm 20. Nearly everything up to this point has been suffering for me. If I live to the average age, I've already lived approx. 1/3 of my life. I occasionally cut. I was placed in a psych ward for 8 days for cutting. All that did was add 10k to my parents debt and upset me even more. I have OCD. Most of my OCD traits are twitching/ticks. I have to flex certain muscles or stretch certain muscles every few seconds. I can't relax without having to twitch around every few seconds. I've tried many medications but none of them have seemed to work. I'm on a couple medications for my depression. I think those are working slightly. I am currently seeing a doctor to manage that. The reason I post is because I would say I'm feeling suicidal. I really want to die but I don't want to kill myself. I am an Atheist, but also am open for the possibility that there is an afterlife/higher being. One of the main reasons I don't kill myself is that maybe that's one of the ultimate "sins" and I'm damned to eternal suffering in hell. I currently don't want to take the chance. All I do is work overnight, come home, get drunk and sleep. I have nothing else going for me. I don't want to live. I don't get it... what keeps you all going? I can't understand it. I believe it's just a matter of time before I get fed-up and do something to end my life.