I don't feel alive. I think I am a disintegrating, petrifying inside, like a diseased wood. I imagine that I am not human, I think I must not be human or understand anything about what is 'human'. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't know where I stand in life. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to fight, though I am trying so damn hard to do it right! I really want to be a human someday, I feel like a shell of a human, a hollow dusty fragment of a human, like a ghost. I just want to fucking slam these boundaries apart, but I am too afraid of being judged harshly, or crucified by my own vulnerability and weakness. I would be so much better off to just let it go, stop caring, lose it, crack and give up. I am so tired of trying to convince myself that I am alive! I am not alive, I am not a person. I am not myself. I can't even recognize myself in the mirror. I don't think she is a very beautiful person, and she is ruining my life. I fucking despise myself.