I'm too dissociated! I can't take it anymore...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by metamorphosis17, Oct 24, 2011.

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  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I don't feel alive. I think I am a disintegrating, petrifying inside, like a diseased wood. I imagine that I am not human, I think I must not be human or understand anything about what is 'human'. I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't know where I stand in life. I don't know how to live, I don't know how to fight, though I am trying so damn hard to do it right! I really want to be a human someday, I feel like a shell of a human, a hollow dusty fragment of a human, like a ghost.

    I just want to fucking slam these boundaries apart, but I am too afraid of being judged harshly, or crucified by my own vulnerability and weakness. I would be so much better off to just let it go, stop caring, lose it, crack and give up. I am so tired of trying to convince myself that I am alive! I am not alive, I am not a person. I am not myself. I can't even recognize myself in the mirror. I don't think she is a very beautiful person, and she is ruining my life.

    I fucking despise myself.
  2. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Shouldn't despise yourself, I think.. (personal opinion so please disregard it if you dont agree).. that we are ALL human...

    And its how you live your life that shapes your humanity...

    I believe that since you feel this way you are more human then you even realize... Dont try to be the one who makes vast changes in the world.. Just (again :3 this is all my opinion, so its probably garbage) try your best to make small changes in the people who see and meet lives. Just smile around people, let them lean on you.. and try to do your best to make them smile....
    let them realize they do have someone they can lean on....

    And i feel like that would make me feel more human...

    You are a human. Everyone is... its the choices that you make that define what KIND of human you are... >.> :3 Hope this helps at all?
  3. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Well, for all intents and purposes, I seem to be 'human', but I don't really know what human means and it feels like my soul is completely dead and I can not regain any connection to the world or why it is here. I have lost all sense of meaning, and nothing seems real.

    I think it's a bad combination (depression and dissociation), I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't feel like myself, I don't remember what I was like when I was real. I seriously feel like a discarded toy collecting dust in someone's attic, and I somehow managed to freeze myself. I'm not really even here, because I won't allow myself to feel anything.
  4. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Hmm. Okay i see what you mean a bit more now.
    -hugs- I understand much better now.. And i want to reassure you, you are still human. I know you dont feel that way... and nothing i say will probably help.

    But i think you are deserving of a soul and that you seem to be someone who could probably share some interesting views on the world.

    I wish i could help you better. I really do.
    Dont throw away your soul quite yet, i promise its still there inside of you.
    I promise no matter what you are a person just like me... And.. to me..

    Humanity is just what it is...
    We are a group of animals. Nothing more...
    Doing what we do... - in all honesty... I believe our main goal in life is to try to be happy.
    Seek out happiness..
    God is something that many people put into the spectrum - we wont go there. That complicates everything...
    But other then that.. We are humans. Just like apes are apes..

    I think so simply sometimes though.. If i can help just pm me, alright? :3
  5. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Hah, it's okay. you are what you are, as well. I realize that I am nowhere near as pathetic as I feel sometimes. I try really hard to remember it, but it doesn't always work so well. I just need to feel a connection to other people, you know? I think I dissociate so much because I do not have any interaction with the world.

    Well, that's just what I think it must come from.

    I don't know whether people are just animals, or something more as well. Sometimes I think animals are more than just animals, and have something to teach us. But, I don't know anymore, and things start getting confusing when you feel so untethered to this world that it might just all dissolve so easily and quickly. I question whether or not I'm just dreaming my own life, and am actually somewhere else, lying in a hospital bed, trapped in a coma.

    If so, then my imagination is very barren.

    Well, I do not like to put so much pressure on other people for my own problems. I hope that no one would feel the pressure to help me, here. I do not know if I am primarily looking for help. The biggest thing I would hope for would just be to talk to other people going through similar things.

    I am who I am, I'm certainly not perfect. It doesn't really matter anymore, I just have to do what is necessary to keep surviving. I just really wish I knew how to do more than that. I would like to feel alive, as well as be it.
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