I'm too messed up to become a happy normal person.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ivorian, Sep 11, 2011.

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  1. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    sometimes, when, for example I can't sleep, I get some kind of mind enlightment, when every thing make sense, and everything looks logical. even a choise to die.

    I can't remember when I have spoken to someone about what is really going on in my head, that's why I'm writing this. really sorry if I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time.

    I kinda get used to being lonely. thinking not about others but about myself. allthough i can't think about myself positively, that's why it would be better for me to think about someone else. when i had some friends, i used to worry about their problems, how and what is happening to them. but eventually all of my friends called me selfish, because i would care only about myself. and that sounds paradoxal to me. but the enlightment moment came, and now i begin to understand the great meaning of their words. it was selfish of me to hide myself behind their problems, their lives.. i feel good only when i get my minds somethink to think about. well, but now there's no friends left, that means i have to face the big ball of problems which i tried to hide for a very long time.

    of course the first thing i tried was getting new friends. i failed badly. it's extremely hard for me to find someone who would actually want to talk to me. that's why i decided to find another way to hide my problems.

    when i was a little younger, i had a Perfect way for that. even friends couldn't work as good as that' it was virtual games. one-time friends, monsters, lots of hours of pointless playing and no problems at all. i cared only about how to get that or do that. and it worked. but that was like to bury radioactive waste under your house. problems didn't dissapear. and for a bonus, i lost most of my social skills. i couldn't talk to a real person even if i would want to.

    but i escaped from that virtual hell. it was a drug for me, and i don't want to get back there. that means, two ways of hiding my problems dissapered. and i still don't want to face them.

    the best question would be 'what are your problems, that you run from them so hard?'. and the answer is.. i don't know. or maybe i don't want to know. there's lots of small things inside that ball of problems. lots of bad memories which i can't forget. lots of lost possibilities. i just can't let go of my past. i can't learn to live further.

    and when a moment of enlightment comes, i see all the things in the ball of problems extremely clearly. i can remember how i became socially outcasted from normal kids in school. i can remember how girls tried to find better words for saying 'fuck off'. i can remember how i was walking through the same bridge for months, just because every day i couldn't find courage to actually jump from it.

    but why do i want to die when there's nothing really bad in my life? i live a perfect life. i have a family. i have a roof, food, water... my father allways mock me, allways tries to find something bad or wrong what i do or don't do. i'm the worse. i'm nothing. allthough i can't understand whats the point of having a kid and then making him feel like nothing for the whole life. maybe he wanted me to die like my two sisters died before me? even in my enlighment moment i can't understand it.

    when everything was getting worse and worse one day, i found a way to kill my sadness. i got inlove. and that was biggest mistake i have ever done. it worked like a painkiller for a shot person. it feels good, but it doesn't help. because my love was one-sided. and it still is. and i have to see that person nearly everyday. everyday i have to see those eyes, which would never look at me. and that makes me sad again.

    sometimes i think logically, would she care if i would die? sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no..

    it seems that i just keep creating more problems for myself, even though maybe i'm just exaggerating. i could gone to sleep tonight, woke up happy tommorow, began a new day, did something meaningfull... but no, i had to get sad, start thinking about how pathethic i am, how noone needs me and noone care about me, how everyone ignores me, how i love someone who won't love me, how i can't concentrate to do things i actually need done, how i can't sleep, how i wish all of this to end.. and then i just imagine a knife stabbing my heart. too bad i can't find a knife anywhere in my room... that's also pathethic..
     
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to what you're saying. I have run from myself for so long that I can't imagine anyone loving me. I have a lot of self hate. I hate my parents because they gave birth to me. How fucked up is that? Now my best friend may be dying or going nuts. I have no one else, no one in my life every day to look out for me. Each day brings emotional pain. That's why suicide is always a comfort to me. I can imagine one day when I can't take it anymore, I can always take my life. To me, other people's suicides only confirm what I've known all along: life can suck.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun your father has messed you up you are depressed okay YOU do matter and you need to get some help to pull yourself out of this darkness your in

    You call your doctor okay get some medication to helpwith your depression get therapy to undue the harm your father has done

    Your chemical inbalance is caused by stress hun so if you correct it you will be less sad and if you learn to love yourself with therapy you can move forward away from the toxic environment your in hugs
     
  4. Peadar

    Peadar New Member

    "my father allways mock me, allways tries to find something bad or wrong what i do or don't do. i'm the worse. i'm nothing. allthough i can't understand whats the point of having a kid and then making him feel like nothing for the whole life. maybe he wanted me to die like my two sisters died before me? even in my enlighment moment i can't understand it." Based on what you say I think you have low self-esteem and self-worth and you have been hurt, primarily by your Father. As a child we all need and seek positive affirmation from our parents and in particular our Father - that need, the child within, persists into adulthood. When this is not received it leaves an uncertainty and a painful wound. That wound must be re-visited, named, accepted and forgiven or let go. You will need the help of a good counsellor to deal with this, but you can do it and it will be well worth the effort. You have to learn to affirm yourself and to love yourself, to realise that because you were born and are alive you are worthwhile and you must live the life you have been given. I think you have looked to others for affirmation and acceptance, but you need to start with yourself, the man in the mirror. I think you're on the right track and you seem to be aware of what's going on within you. You need to have the courage to visit the pain - it won't be easy but with time, love and professional help, you can get through it and reach a peaceful place.
     
  5. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    I was thinking a lot about all of this. doctors and all kind of similar things would mean that i am sick. and i don't want to be sick, in my country that would give me a black mark which would ruin everything what i still have. and i don't want this... i'd rather die than live in a upgraded hell. or live and fix everything myself. of course, if that's not possible, i logically assume death as a perfectly fine option. the strongest survive, and i'm definitely not one of those. i'm generally too weak to cope with my simple problems. i used to see some light in future, hope, or something like that, but it's getting darker and darker. blank and empty. and i guess that's normal. i just want to ask one question, what do people do to make them strong enough not to give up and seek their dreams?
     
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I think you just have to try, make yourself go after those dreams, and if you want it bad enough, that will motivate you into success.

    What makes one person tougher than the next, I don't know, maybe your born with it.. I think some people don't get knocked down as hard, for I believe everyone has a breaking point, if life was to get bad enough.. Sometimes I've thought well back when I was depressed every day, about military boot camp, I know how they can transform the mind.

    Well anyways, a nice thought.. I would like to be able to deal with things better myself.

    It's a shame that your area you live in would make you feel like you had a black mark, well we have our own issues, people making sarcastic jokes over depression, the nice one's don't do that.. Or I have to wonder sometimes if my health gets taken seriously because I have been through severe depression. It's not easy to live with that label..

    But not asking for help when you know you need it, thinking death is a better option than what these people think of you, your wrong.. Your life is more important than that. And if anyone is too stupid to see that, then they aren't worth worrying about.
     
  7. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    I was doing quite well lately, even forgot about all the mess which was happening to me, but at the moment i'm holding a small blade and thinking wheter should i... even the smallest things trigger me. i saw someone happy, who i care about, and something brakes inside. then i start feeling bad because such a thing triggers me instead of making happy. normal people share their joy, somehow I don't.

    Every morning i want the day to end. every night i can't get myself to sleep. i'm afraid of another morning, another depressed day.. I'm thinking if transfering mental pain into physical pain would help. but i'm afraid again. afraid of getting addicted to such a solution from problem. maybe it would be easier just to end everything? simply and easy, let myself go to hell...
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I can completely relate to a lot of what you said. Much like you I was socially outcasted. I would seek refuge in a digital world where I was someone else. Really the only thing that sustained me when I was younger was anger. Then came fear, and now hope.

    You sound a lot like me. I am a very different person today. I have hope and goals. I don't know what happened, but one day I realized that I was wasting away. I think that was right around my first major weight loss success. I learned that I could do something if I tried. I had a short depression swing. Then swung back up and started trying to change. I saw what I had wasted and decided that would never happen again.

    I recommend you start out with a small goal. I found just setting a goal to do something everyday made me feel good. That also fanned the fires of my ambition. Slowly I pulled myself out of the muck and am cleaning myself off. You can download the same.. It just takes motivation.

    :p also don't worry about being normal. I have found that people like me better because I make no apologies for who I am. If you want help accomplishing something let me know. I can try to motivate you.
     
  9. Ivorian

    Ivorian Member

    I have tried setting small goals, but none of them got accomplished fully. I've allways lacked motivation, and I can't imagine where can I find such a thing. Motivation for me is like a snow in Africa. I think I give up too easily, let sadness and bad ideas take over my minds and everything what I was going to do dissapears. Eventually I say to myself 'what's the point of doing this? I want to die anyway, and I will, sooner or later'. I guess motivation comes from people, who support you. The bad thing is, that I don't really have anyone. I just wish there could be an easier way..
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    The only support I get is from here really. In the end it is up to you. Plus when you make a positive change on your own and don't tell anyone. Their reactions are larger because they are not expecting it.

    Personally, I believe you should start working out. That is what has helped me. Having a good diet and doing a workout will make you feel better. I have a friend who just changed his diet. He already says he feels much better. Working out also gets your body to produce happy chemicals.

    Do you have any small bad habits? For example, I have a huge problem with clutter in my place. So I make sure to pick up everything off the floor everyday. :sweat: It is not much but it kaes me feel better. When I say small I mean something that is almost insignificant. That way you will see a change and that will make you feel better about yourself.
     
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