sometimes, when, for example I can't sleep, I get some kind of mind enlightment, when every thing make sense, and everything looks logical. even a choise to die. I can't remember when I have spoken to someone about what is really going on in my head, that's why I'm writing this. really sorry if I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time. I kinda get used to being lonely. thinking not about others but about myself. allthough i can't think about myself positively, that's why it would be better for me to think about someone else. when i had some friends, i used to worry about their problems, how and what is happening to them. but eventually all of my friends called me selfish, because i would care only about myself. and that sounds paradoxal to me. but the enlightment moment came, and now i begin to understand the great meaning of their words. it was selfish of me to hide myself behind their problems, their lives.. i feel good only when i get my minds somethink to think about. well, but now there's no friends left, that means i have to face the big ball of problems which i tried to hide for a very long time. of course the first thing i tried was getting new friends. i failed badly. it's extremely hard for me to find someone who would actually want to talk to me. that's why i decided to find another way to hide my problems. when i was a little younger, i had a Perfect way for that. even friends couldn't work as good as that' it was virtual games. one-time friends, monsters, lots of hours of pointless playing and no problems at all. i cared only about how to get that or do that. and it worked. but that was like to bury radioactive waste under your house. problems didn't dissapear. and for a bonus, i lost most of my social skills. i couldn't talk to a real person even if i would want to. but i escaped from that virtual hell. it was a drug for me, and i don't want to get back there. that means, two ways of hiding my problems dissapered. and i still don't want to face them. the best question would be 'what are your problems, that you run from them so hard?'. and the answer is.. i don't know. or maybe i don't want to know. there's lots of small things inside that ball of problems. lots of bad memories which i can't forget. lots of lost possibilities. i just can't let go of my past. i can't learn to live further. and when a moment of enlightment comes, i see all the things in the ball of problems extremely clearly. i can remember how i became socially outcasted from normal kids in school. i can remember how girls tried to find better words for saying 'fuck off'. i can remember how i was walking through the same bridge for months, just because every day i couldn't find courage to actually jump from it. but why do i want to die when there's nothing really bad in my life? i live a perfect life. i have a family. i have a roof, food, water... my father allways mock me, allways tries to find something bad or wrong what i do or don't do. i'm the worse. i'm nothing. allthough i can't understand whats the point of having a kid and then making him feel like nothing for the whole life. maybe he wanted me to die like my two sisters died before me? even in my enlighment moment i can't understand it. when everything was getting worse and worse one day, i found a way to kill my sadness. i got inlove. and that was biggest mistake i have ever done. it worked like a painkiller for a shot person. it feels good, but it doesn't help. because my love was one-sided. and it still is. and i have to see that person nearly everyday. everyday i have to see those eyes, which would never look at me. and that makes me sad again. sometimes i think logically, would she care if i would die? sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no.. it seems that i just keep creating more problems for myself, even though maybe i'm just exaggerating. i could gone to sleep tonight, woke up happy tommorow, began a new day, did something meaningfull... but no, i had to get sad, start thinking about how pathethic i am, how noone needs me and noone care about me, how everyone ignores me, how i love someone who won't love me, how i can't concentrate to do things i actually need done, how i can't sleep, how i wish all of this to end.. and then i just imagine a knife stabbing my heart. too bad i can't find a knife anywhere in my room... that's also pathethic..