I'm too valueless for living

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Withdrawn, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I cannot relax even one day.
    There's something bothering me every second.

    Anxiety, paranoia, apathy, hyperventilation, stress and tremors.
    And that's just when sitting in my room. If I leave my room, I experience depersonalization, nausea, stress, hallucinations and muscle tension etc.

    A week ago, I was about to commit suicide. I had written goodbye to some of my friends. Luckily (?), my parents came into my room and sent my to a hospital. I didn't have time hurting myself. I remember I couldn't think of anything but: "I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to kill myself!!" I got tantrum after tantrum that night.

    I have never attempted before... but when I see things..., I want to kill myself with those stuff..., I didn't choose my horrible disabilities and illnesses!! :cry: I hate my life.

    I wish I could be a baby again, I wish I could develop normally, that my parents would love me (they say they love me but I can see they don't). Nobody loves a stupid staring unworthy mute maverick girl.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They love every inch of you and do not see you as that They see you as their loving duaghter and wan't more then anything to have you happy safe with them take care.:hugtackles:
     
  3. DeepEmz

    DeepEmz Well-Known Member

    Your not stupid at all. Things happen in life that we dont want, life is cruel.

    Your parents do love you, unfornately they just have a funny way of showing it, much like mine too.

    Hope you are ok, :hugtackles: xx
     
  4. DrNick1010

    DrNick1010 Well-Known Member

    I've felt like that at times too. I think that when you live at home and you get used to seeing your parents, they might forget to show their appreciation. If you go away for awhile, like to college or on a week long vacation, you'll see how much they missed you. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. I used to think that nobody cared about me either but I know they do. What scares me now is being forgotten once I've gone. It sounds irrational because when you're gone you won't care about anything. I don't know how soon people get over suicides since I've never known anyone who has committed suicide, but rest assured your death will be very painful to your parents, who do love you very much, and your close friends. I think if I was a parent who had a child with disabilities, I'd cherish them and love them even more than a "normal" child since someone with disabilities needs courage to face the world around them. The fact that you're alive shows you have strength. Be happy with who you are, not who you think you should be. You may be hurting right now, but there's nothing wrong with that and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Once you can see that, I assure you that you will start loving yourself. I hope you're alright and that tomorrow is a better day for you.
     
  5. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    (I guess I meant: "I'm too valueless to live", or something :(.)

    Thank you guys.

    But you don't know me. :badday: You would feel disgusted if you saw me.
    You would tease me, not because you are mean, but because it's so inviting. Because I deserve to be teased. :blub:
     
  6. Juliaa

    Juliaa Well-Known Member

    They love you, and care enough about you to send you a hospital.

    And you DO NOT deserve to be teased, and I highly doubt anyone would be disgusted with you i they saw you.

    You ARE worth living :hug:
     
  7. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Do you have working organs?
    Lots of people don't.

    I think having some that work would give you lots of value, right there- even if you think nothing else does.
    Having fairly good health is much more than alot of people have and it's not really something that you could 'give' to another person.

    unless you are a warlock or a necromancer, maybe?
    sorry. offtopic.


    I suggest you make a list of the things you like about life; rather than the things you hate about yourself. Read it over a few times- you might be surprised.
     
  8. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    Yes, I do have working organs. When I die, I'll give them away to people who need them anyway.

    I do see people get disgusted when they see me or have to deal with me, especially if I'm in an unstable condition which is almost always.
    People are so disappointed in me, because they think I function ordinarily and then they find out I can not even tell them what my name is.
    I also have problems knowing when to nod or shake my head, so I don't communicate much at all.

    My development goes further and further down, so in a year I obviously have to live in a development centre, or what the blazes they call it.
     
  9. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Is this a health problem that gets worse as you age or your anxiety getting worse and worse?

    Do you see a councilor or therapist at all?
    Even if you can't speak to them it might be nice to have someone to write letters to and get things out in the open, maybe?

    It's possible to get better if you have anxiety/paranoia - I've been agoraphobic since I started highschool; anxious and paranoid but I'm beginning to get better this go around. You just have to try and not be afraid of making progress and... well... of trying to talk to a therapist.
     
  10. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    The people around you might make you feel worthless, that does not mean you are.

    If you feel comfortable talking about what you saw that made you attempt I'm listening. Be gentle to yourself. You sound like you've got little/no supportive people around you and I empathise.
     
  11. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    The anxiety is getting worse. Nowadays my anxiety is considered "very high" in severity.

    I will see a speech therapist after Christmas.
    That's another reason for me to die. The therapist will force me to talk, and if I don't talk she will be very angry. And my mum will be very irritated because she wants me to talk and so does my dad.
    I wish I never had to talk, but since I'm physically able to speak I have to.
     
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    A speech therapist can't force you to talk. If s/he gets angry for whatever reason, that's not your problem but theirs.
     
  13. Withdrawn

    Withdrawn Well-Known Member

    I've got supportive people around me, but they just can't do much, really.
    Or I don't know if people are supportive if they bark at me all the time.
    They seem so mad, and I just try to do the right things.
    My parents say: "You have a luxury life! You don't go to school more than twice a week, and you get mobility service. Most people your age aren't as lucky as you."

    Well, ... why do I want to die if I'm so lucky? Because I'm struggling with autism, selective mutism, depression, agoraphobia, psychosis, and unbearable anxiety. When I go outside, people laugh at me, throw things at me, push me and imitate me.
    Is that really what I want from life? No. :no:
     
  14. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Exactly. You are suffering. If you were lucky you wouldn't be attempting suicide and suicidal.

    I know what I say might not mean much to you at this moment but time can change lots of things. If you hang on and wait until this time passes over, you might look back and realise what a courageous and admirable girl you are. Although people might make you feel stupid, ridiculous, worthless, I have read nothing from you which suggests this.

    The people hurting you by their behaviour are the ones who are unwell, not yourself.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 3, 2010
  15. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    heyyy look on the bright side of life please! You have a ton of people on here who care about what happens to you. Lifes hard for everyone and i realise you have it alot tougher then most and you have been so brave!

    So what if you have all those diagnosises, it just makes you different but doesn't make you any less special or important then the next person and this is the truth!

    If the kids are being that mean to you, then i think you shouldn't go back to school at all as it's really destroying your self esteem. Ask your parents about putting you into classes with other kids under similar circumstances so you can find common ground with other people your age.

    I know it's hard for you to think clearly in times like this but your parents, siblings and everyone on this forum really does care about you and wants to see you do well in life. You come accross as so intelligent, honest and sweet and i really do wish you the best.
     
  16. OhneDich

    OhneDich Well-Known Member

    You know I love you, sweetie. I wish I could be here next to you to give you some kind of support.

    Your parents love you, remember what I told you yesterday...

    Please, please, try to treat yourself as you deserve, without hurting you and with love. Because you're too meaningful, ok?

    Love you.
    Nay
     
  17. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    You have friends? I envy you.

    Can I have some of your friends?

    Do you want to be my friend? I can tell you stories.
     
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