I'm totally worthless and don't deserve to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MangoMori, Jun 19, 2009.

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  1. MangoMori

    MangoMori New Member

    It's been more than a year since I went to my doctor to talk about my suicidal thoughts. And I've only visited her twice in all that time - it's not like it was my own choice to sort it out. You see, talking won't work at all, I need physical change (like a serious reinvention of myself). Anti-depressants don't work, overdosing, drinking chemicals don't work. Since I was 16, I've tried to damage my internal body to eventually die somehow, but basically with less painful methods. I hate myself so much, the most pointless person on the planet - I'm so repulsive and a shame to my loving family.
    I graduated from university 2 years ago now, but I'm a recluse and agoraphobic, so had no employment at all. Even going to uni was a life full of dread. Amazing I made new friends, but decided grow away from them because I had a gut feeling they would betray me anyway, as they mixed with thugs. I must have embarassed myself every minute of the day, since all these dreadful memories keep haunting me.
    I've always been chronically shy, even afraid to talk to family members - from the fear of being ridiculed or noticing how repulsed they become. And oh my... my parents (who have benevolently helped me a lot) are growing increasingly disgusted with me. In my culture, if you don't greet or chat to an adult relative, then it's deemed as offensive. You see how they all hate me now?? But I just don't want to face them...
    I'm not always feeling depressed throughout the day: I have plenty of interests, which are even seen as highly social events (but I just don't do socializing), and I have a dry sense of humour, so find myself laughing hysterically, when deep down I'm agonising. I only go out of the house to concerts, cinema or site seeing (with my family; no friends). I walk down the street, people (any age or race) will look at me strangely, or laugh, or subliminally threaten me. But I am my worst enemy, no one else - I should destroy myself to cure this vicious circle. I'm the only person in my family like this, but it's not the first time there's been a suicide amongst my relatives.
    I do have natural artistic talents, so that's where I should gain income from,but all of this sadness has nothing to do with being an artist nor the heavy metal I listen to - it's just pure self-hatred. My paranoia is severe - I can notice people's disgusted reactions after looking at me, and it hurts like hell (I simply cannot grow used to this happening, even though it's inevitable). Soon, I'll take a train to the coast, and finish myself there, but I really, just want to die at home in the silence.
    Everytime I hear on the news about people dying from diseases, immediately I wish I had caught that disease. It frustrates me that I avoided catching bird flu, even though I WAS in Hong Kong at the disease's first inception. Yeah, I know pathetic or embarassing I sound, but suicide is my only option. Maybe you could help in someway, but so far, nothing at all convinces me to hold on. My family don't deserve my burden.
  2. Ophelia1600

    Ophelia1600 Active Member

    I read this and related to a lot of what you said. To be honest I'm not in a good place right now either, but I wanted you to know you were not alone. I will give one piece of info from my own experience. For years I went to counseling and nothing helped. I insisted on going to an MD for meds. The first couple of drugs they tried didnt work. I thought I was doomed. I attempted suicide b/c I thought I had no choice. While in the hospital I met a psychitrist who was also a pharmacist. He worked with me for 2 years before we got the drug cocktail just right. Sometimes it takes several meds together, sometimes you just need to have a higher dose. Dont give up on the meds. If you can get the right combo they really do make a world of difference.
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