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Im troubled

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I know i've got a problem, the problem of not wanting to talk to anyone, do anything, instead i feel like want my blood to run cold. I dont trust anyone, cant bring myself to. I feel always like a one person show, me, me, me alone and always. But i also feel miserable this way. I dont know why but it seems such thing prevent me from trying to change. I always feel this serenity in this suffering. Like some comfort that i lose once i get out of this loneliness. Yet at times i just want everyhting that happen in my life to end, to vanish. I want myself erased forever and never existed. Death is such an excuse though, i dont want myself ease into death as the way to escape from this experience, instead i want my life to rewind and so i can return to the point before i was born.
Ever know what feels like at end of something long and dread, its the feeling or perhaps nonfeeling that when you look upon fallen leaves, no longer nostalgia comes or the wind wispers silent beauty of the world. Everything seemed to need be instead of just be. Everything seems to be run on time instead of its own loving of being here. Its my personal near impatic insight that is a result of self condemned existence, that will perhaps ruin rest of my life.
knowing this, i want question why do i exist here, surely not just to. I refuse to acknowledge anything wasted, it pains me to think.
All this time am i just running away? But i've got no where.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, why can i feel like everyone else feels? Such a simple thing, yet I?...
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