Well some of you know me as im pretty active in this forum. One person deffiantly knows who this is because i told her because this message is aimed at her to show her why i've been so down and taking it out on her when i shouldn't. Ok so here's what i wanna say. You know theres one person in particular who has made me feel the way i feel and their the reason im so suicidal Well last night i was enjoying myself when i thought i wasn't able to, was drinking having a laugh with my family. My cousin kept bugging me, to get her cigs. Then she kept bugging me to talk to her boyfriend. So i did quickly. He told me some stuff thats been said about me by someone who is meant to be my so called 'brother'. Things i didn't need to hear right then. Then my cousins boyfriends friend got on the phone to me and tried chatting me up even tho he's 14 and i just weren't in the mood for that so i was pissed off. The things i was told hurt really badly and i had to go for a walk, thats when i called you last night. I was sooooo upset but i couldn't even show it, couldn't show it because of my family being around and it being christmas day and all. No one need me to go into my self destructive moods. So i was upset so i thought i'd come on here and chill out for a bit. Was about 2 in the morning and had someone i really care about on here upset because of a 'situation' thats going on right now. I felt guilty because i was the one who kinda brang the whole thing up. So i was even more upset because they was upset. So i tried to get some sleep, but couldn't as per usual. Was woken up after having 4 hours sleep. The was told by my aunty that my 'brother' had texted my mum in the early hours of this morning and upset her very badly. So i was pissed off about that. Cousins been in a mood all day, came close to just hitting her earlier. So i came on here saw a post that badly upset me again. So naturally i was worried. I'm just sick of people throwing back and care we have for anyone here back in our faces, someone even agreed on that with me today. It goes on alot. It hurts so damn badly to see people on here who i love and care about hurting, everyday it hurts a bit more and right now i think im at breaking point. Everyday i fear coming on here incase of what i might find, its a constant fear but this place is a life line and im finding it hard to leave. I've got the constant shit from me 'brother' and my step dad got fired, so we got money problems, we had money problems before but its time times worse now. It might not seem like a big thing for you but it is to me. I know i snapped at you earlier and i know i shouldn't have. I'm truely sorry for that, all i can do is apologise. All this shit has been building up for months and i seem to be taking it out on alot of people, not just you hun, its been alot of people. A part of me just wants to push everyone away, including you. Thats why i keep saying delete everything to do with me, i just wanna push you all away but i can't because if i do i know what i'll end up doing. I think i need to avoid triggers in the nest 2 weeks, especially comming up to my 'date' but this place is so damn addictive and i wouldn't be able to sope without it. So im like caught in btween and rock and a hard place. I hope you can understand this, so thats why i been feeling so shit recently. I've tried to explain the best i can about whats been making me feel so shit recently and if you don't understand then its fine. But i thought i owed you an explanation.