im trying, but i cant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by undercoverlover, Apr 3, 2013.

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  1. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    i continue to make posts here, i know, and i know that few people will comment. i read every bit of encouragement with dead eyes and its hard to believe its true. the only thing stopping me is that there is nothing to kill myself with. i just cant do this, i dont want this, i hate life and i cant do it anymore. i dont want to live anymore. im trying because my girlfriend needs me and thats what stopped her from killing herself last night but i just cant do this. i need help and im already getting it.
     
  2. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    What kind of help are you getting?
     
  3. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    i am on medication and i see a therapist and neurologist.
     
  4. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    i can never sleep at night. when i do, i wake up feeling heavy like ive had a seizure. i cry every night, every day, and i cry more than i smile. very little makes me happy. i am so unwanted. i hate it.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are so hard and painful. You are doing things to try to help your situation. I can see that. Meds, therapist, neurologist. Do both the t and the md know about how currently bad it is for you, and the specifics?
     
  6. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    What have the therapist and/or neurologist said so far? Is it the stress, supporting yourself and your gf, that's affecting you? Do you have people around supporting in any capacity? Does work keep you occupied? Why do you cry every night?
     
  7. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    my therapist and neuro both know about the situation, thats why im on new meds and am having more appointments. it is very stressful and painful watching my girlfriend suffer so much, which is part of the problem--im afraid that if i lose her, i will have nothing to live for. school, anxiety, work, and basically doing something else besides sitting and doing nothing stresses me (which sounds lazy, i know). exercise is the only exception, i am usually okay with going out if its sunny and that helps my mood a lot. i cry every night because i cant sleep, so much is going on in my mind, its usually when i feel most suicidal. i am all alone and there is nothing to do, no one to talk to. i text people but no one responds. which isnt their fault, i usually text at midnight or later. i try to talk to my mom but she doesnt understand no matter how hard i try and sometimes its really difficult to tell your own parent that you so desperately dont want to live anymore.
     
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    you do not sound lazy at all. Just want you to know that. I am so sorry things are this painful. Alone is such a hard place to be. I hope you will keep posting here. Because even though I cannot know how it feels, I do understand pain for sure. As do so many of us, as you know. Do you go to chat?? I know some people relate to it while others dont. for some its a good distraction. for what its worth, I can feel in my heart that you are a good person.
     
  9. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Are you seeing a therapist, if not that is soemthing that could help. This might sound harsh but at least contemplate what could happen if lose your gf for whatever reason. It's no good for you to solely rely on one person, who by your description is in need of support herself. I don't mean leave her or anything like that, I'm trying to say that things like classes, group activities, travelling will help diffuse some of the stress your going through. Read up on psychology so you can get some kind of handle on why you are in this situation to begin with. It's good that your exercising at least that's one positive thing;) At times like this all you can do is survive, so hold on and take it one moment at a time.
     
  10. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    chat doesnt work for me, but i go on healthfulchat and go in the anxiety or depression subchats and talk, which usually helps.

    i am seeing a therapist, i actually see her today. i will talk to her about my fear of losing my girlfriend; it just really scares me and every time she feels suicidal it triggers something in me, like 'oh god im going to lose her forever'. last night was awful, i had a panic attack because i couldnt find anything to calm me down (after my room had been cleaned and rearranged) so i ran in my moms room to ask and it was after midnight so she got angry, it had me very upset and feeling like she didnt care (which i know now isnt true) and i just wanted to self harm but i couldnt because i made a promise.
     
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