Hi, I joined the forum last year but I’m having increasing suicidal thoughts again. I used to work in Central London in an Office job and I lived independently in a houseshare (I’m 27). A few years ago I had a period of ill health (an infection that has left me with chronic pain). I was forced to give up my job and houseshare and move back with my mum. My mum has Schizophrenia and it is just the two of us. I’ve never met my father. I found the experience of going through doctors awful. It took me 18 months to get a diagnosis of neuralgia. When I finally got a referral to the pain clinic (over 18 months!) I was told I was too depressed so I was discharged from that service immediately. No treatment was offered and I had to put in a formal complaint in order to see a different Specialist. I was then offered some treatment but I still haven’t found it much help so I gave up on going. I still take pain medication and have some occasional appointments with locum GP’s. I think it hurts more trying to fight to get specialist help and listen to each different doctor interpret my problem as slightly different each time. I found that the chronic pain has got a lot better and faded over time. And it’s a good job because I feel I’ve received no help from the medical profession. However, I still struggle with chronic pain and I still only feel able to work part time. My problems are a combination of chronic pain and severe mental health problems now. Before I got ill I had passing suicidal thoughts and had suffered from long term depression but now I have intense suicidal thoughts. Last year over some months I thoroughly researched several methods of how to take my life and began to make detailed preparations. I’ve never attempted suicide but I think about it a lot. Not just that ‘I don’t want to live’ but in detail about how I’m going to do it. I know I need help but quite often the help doesn’t help. I had counselling at the beginning of this year but as usual had a fight to get that. When I did I found a nice counsellor but it was only for 8 sessions . This got me as far as volunteering. I’m trying really hard to find a future and get back on my feet. Even if back on my feet at this time only means working part time and still living with my mum. I took a part time temp job in a local supermarket. It is ok but on a temp unstable contract, low paid and not really relevant to my past experience. When I bump into people I get weird reactions of why I am working in the job I am now. Like “what on earth happened!” and just confused whys all the time. I couldn’t control what happened and none of this has been my choice. I want to find something more relevant to my experience and a little better paid but I can only currently apply for part time jobs. I volunteer one day a week which is great for the reference and some extra experience but that has become like a job. They have had massive funding cuts so rely on volunteers now to do the work paid staff used to do. Most of the people there are lovely and I know I’m not the only volunteer who feels put under too much pressure. But the manager expects too much of us I will give it up when I find a better part time job – if I can. I just feel so scared about the future and that things are just so different now. It feels hard to be positive even though I know I've made a lot of progress. I just keep thinking that I can't cope. That I won't get a better job. What if I can't work full time again. Was I even happy anyway when I had a better job , social life etc. Why are we living for? Most of life is just pain and suffering. I want to kill the pain. And I have some of what I’d need to do it.