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I'm trying to put my life back together.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BlueBlue, Aug 1, 2016.

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  1. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    Hi, I joined the forum last year but I’m having increasing suicidal thoughts again. I used to work in Central London in an Office job and I lived independently in a houseshare (I’m 27). A few years ago I had a period of ill health (an infection that has left me with chronic pain). I was forced to give up my job and houseshare and move back with my mum. My mum has Schizophrenia and it is just the two of us. I’ve never met my father.

    I found the experience of going through doctors awful. It took me 18 months to get a diagnosis of neuralgia. When I finally got a referral to the pain clinic (over 18 months!) I was told I was too depressed so I was discharged from that service immediately. No treatment was offered and I had to put in a formal complaint in order to see a different Specialist. I was then offered some treatment but I still haven’t found it much help so I gave up on going.

    I still take pain medication and have some occasional appointments with locum GP’s.

    I think it hurts more trying to fight to get specialist help and listen to each different doctor interpret my problem as slightly different each time.

    I found that the chronic pain has got a lot better and faded over time. And it’s a good job because I feel I’ve received no help from the medical profession. However, I still struggle with chronic pain and I still only feel able to work part time. My problems are a combination of chronic pain and severe mental health problems now. Before I got ill I had passing suicidal thoughts and had suffered from long term depression but now I have intense suicidal thoughts. Last year over some months I thoroughly researched several methods of how to take my life and began to make detailed preparations. I’ve never attempted suicide but I think about it a lot. Not just that ‘I don’t want to live’ but in detail about how I’m going to do it.

    I know I need help but quite often the help doesn’t help. I had counselling at the beginning of this year but as usual had a fight to get that. When I did I found a nice counsellor but it was only for 8 sessions . This got me as far as volunteering.

    I’m trying really hard to find a future and get back on my feet. Even if back on my feet at this time only means working part time and still living with my mum. I took a part time temp job in a local supermarket. It is ok but on a temp unstable contract, low paid and not really relevant to my past experience. When I bump into people I get weird reactions of why I am working in the job I am now. Like “what on earth happened!” and just confused whys all the time. I couldn’t control what happened and none of this has been my choice. I want to find something more relevant to my experience and a little better paid but I can only currently apply for part time jobs.

    I volunteer one day a week which is great for the reference and some extra experience but that has become like a job. They have had massive funding cuts so rely on volunteers now to do the work paid staff used to do. Most of the people there are lovely and I know I’m not the only volunteer who feels put under too much pressure. But the manager expects too much of us I will give it up when I find a better part time job – if I can.

    I just feel so scared about the future and that things are just so different now. It feels hard to be positive even though I know I've made a lot of progress.

    I just keep thinking that I can't cope. That I won't get a better job. What if I can't work full time again. Was I even happy anyway when I had a better job , social life etc.

    Why are we living for? Most of life is just pain and suffering.

    I want to kill the pain. And I have some of what I’d need to do it.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support SF Artist SF Supporter

    Hi Blue, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It gets depressing when the life you planned appears to be going backwards. I'm glad that you have your Mom to live with and are working part time, also volunteering is really good of you, you sound like a caring person. The healthcare system can be frustrating, I'm assuming you're in the UK, I'm in Canada and getting help is not easy, usually it's just a prescription. I suffer from depression, panic attacks and anxiety also chronic pain from injuries, so I know a little of what you're going through. I wish I knew what to say to help you, maybe someone here from the UK will have a suggestion. But please just fight the thoughts of suicide, you're young and things do change in time. I'm struggling to get over a bout of depression myself right now and know it's difficult. The people on this site are a great support, get to know them and keep posting. Anyway, I'm sending good thoughts that your situation improves and know that here you're not alone. Take care
  3. Brittless

    Brittless Well-Known Member

    Hey Blueblue (nice username, my favorite color),

    welcome to the forum. I have experienced the same thing you're going through except it took years to get a diagnosis (not the same diagnosis as yours) and since I am in the usa thousands in medical debt. Maybe I'm biased but I personally think for going through all of this, for dealing with a physical illness while dealing with life that makes you strong. A lot of people don't understand what it's like to live everyday life and still have to put up with physical ailments. It's like everyday you're expected to smile while your body is being tortured. It took me a long time to even accept I needed help for my mental issues that came along with the physical, but I am pleased to see you actually have acknowledged you do need help. For me life is very different than I imagined and I often did dwell about the past and worry about the future a lot, but... I don't know things are looking up. It's not what we expected, but it's good just to be kicking and trying. I think we need to keep living to figure out what we're living for. Answers come to us in the unlikeliest of times usually.

    I still have my low days... that's why I'm here but I'm in a much better state of mind than I was before... so if you'd ever like to discuss your troubles with me, feel free to PM me or start a conversation. I'm not one of those people that say yeah life is roses and yahdeyahdah, but I do still have hope and [hope]fully that is contagious.

    Brian777 and booklovr like this.
  4. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Hello Blue-blue-I applaud you for your fortitude! I feel your struggle so vividly. It is difficult sometimes to believe that any sort of progress is going on anywhere in life. You look around and all you see is mess, chaos, pain, rage. What is the point of it all anyway? Why go through twenty bad times to get to one good one? These are questions that millions of people ask themselves every single day. But you have come so far on your journey and it shows-never let the progress you've made get lost in the shuffle of everything else that is happening around you. When I get overwhelmed I stop and remind myself to take it one day at a time-with no thought of a past that I can't change or a future I have no control over. I stay focused only on now and what is sitting right in front of me at any given time. I know that you are struggling but you are also (obviously) doing so well-don't give up, keep working on yourself. Slow down and focus on now-well done!
    Brian777 likes this.
  5. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    Hi BlueBlue, I am from the UK as well [up north] and I completely empathise with your position. For everything you face, counselling is no good to you, you need real psychiatric care which I am very fortunate to get. Coupled with medication, I am at least stable[ish] and not sliding backwards. I not only suffer mental illness I have physical as well. So I have some idea, like the others here, where you are at.

    Have a goood look around and see if there is a Crisis Team local to you. They are part of the NHS [hardly anyone knows about them] and are also connected to your local CMHT. They only help people who are suicidal to the point of about to act or have acted and survived. They can get you the help and support you need. If no Crisis Team, speak to your local Community Mental Health Trust [CMHT] and try to see someone there. Again, they can get you the help and support you need.

    I have had misdiagnosis, one after the other and no one will commit themselves to say exactly what it is. The only definite is, I am depressed [ya dont say] suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and at least I get some help with that little lot, you can too, but you have to go and find it.

    If I can be of anymore help to you whatsoever, please just start a conversation with me from my or your profile page and we can message in private if you so wish, or I will see any reply you make here as well or there is a chat facility here with a option for private chat ok. Take care Blue and stay safe.
    Brian777 likes this.
  6. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your responses everyone. I'm feeling really anxious at the moment. Last year one of my GP 's thought I was going to do something so she called the crisis team on me. It took them 3 days to call me and it was just an admin person. It was 10 working days before i spoke to a mental health professional and it was just 15 minutes over the phone. They were quite easy to get rid of and they weren't much help anyway. I've had such bad experiences using medical services so I'm just going to try and do this on my own. We took on a stray cat a few months ago and he is gorgeous far better than any antidepressant or professional help :) I just need a better more secure job...
    SinisterKid and lifetalkz like this.
  7. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    Well Blue, you dont need to do it on your own, SF is here to support you all the way down the line if you need/want it. Some people do manage to overcome their problems by themselves, others need some help along the way. I just hope if you are the latter, you come back to SF to seek some of that emotional support this place is famed for. Its open 24/7, so you and the cat can always drop in anytime to chat or vent or just say hi.
    BlueBlue likes this.
  8. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    I will indeed pop back and let you know progress. Here's a picture of Teddy Cat :)

    Attached Files:

  9. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    That would be great, thanks. Teddy Cat is looking very CCC there [cool, calm, collected].

    Best wishes to you Blue, I hope things continue to get better in your life and you find the right job for you.

    Take care and be safe always.
    BlueBlue likes this.
  10. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    I'm feeling really quite sick today. I had two job interviews this week and find out about them both today. One I really liked but i think there were lots of other interviewees and so I'm convincing myself I haven't got it. The other job I don't want and so I'm worrying that maybe I have got it in which case I need to decline it as I had a big crisis earlier this week about whether I could do it or not. The one i don't want is for a Wealth Management Company which just doesn't seem like me - a left of centre voter from a single parent family. The one I want is for a Not for profit Pharmaceutical company it supports local Pharmacies and does lots of campaigns around supporting local communities.

    I'm just so stressed as I took a crap job in a supermarket which is kind of okay but not really. I need to sort something better out but it's so stressful applying, going to interviews and worrying about hearing back. Even starting a new job I want I'd have some anxieties.

    I'm just feeling I can't cope and I revert back to suicdal thinking and planning.

    I'm trying to work part time, look for jobs, go to interviews, volunteer, deal with chronic pain, deal with anxiety and depression. It's just too much.

  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    It looks to me like you are doing a great job of holding it together under trying circumstances. Its always a hard time looking for a new, suitable job. I hate all the forms and shit you have to do before you even find if you have a interview or not. The fact you are getting interviews shows you are doing something right. Would it be possible though to maybe take a break from volunteering until things calm down a little, just lighten the load for now? You do have a lot on your plate.

    You need to give yourself some credit because you are doing everything you need to be doing. But it is stressful and the anxiety will try to get the better of you. But you have come too far to quit now. If the job with the Non Profit comes to you, it will be a massive boost, if not, you have other irons in the fire. You are giving yourself options and trying as hard as you can to get a decent, well paid job, dont ask more of yourself right now.

    I keep having to tell myself not to worry or get anxious about things that are out of my control. You have done your part in applying and attending the interviews, the rest you cant influence, so forget about it for now. The more you ruminate on ifs, buts and maybes, the worse you make yourself feel. So just do some of the things that you know help you to relax and spend some time with Teddy Cat because he is your therapy.
    Petal likes this.
  12. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    Hi Sinisterkid,

    That was a really good reply - thank you :)

    I particularly liked:

    "I hate all the forms and shit you have to do before you even find if you have a interview or not."


    Unfortunately I didn't get the job I wanted so I've been having a little cry over that.

    What a shit few years it's been. I tried so damn hard the last few weeks. Applying, worrying, preparing, going to the interviews, it's just bloody exhausting.

    I messaged Papyrus - a youth suicide prevention organisation today who pissed me off as their suggestion is that I stop looking for a new job. I can't fucking do that my current one is so unstable and the longer I am out of office work the harder it will be to get back in. They just told me what i should do rather than giving me any space to make my own decisons. I have to be careful what I say to them as they can break confidentially if they feel you are at risk.

    I got myself some chocolate milkshakes and I'll cuddle the cat.

    I'll have a think about the break from volunteering or perhaps even just making it clear to them that sometimes it can feel like a job and that's not okay. If they could even just ease off me a bit. Most people there are lovely it's just the manager.

    So disappointing because if I'd have gotten that job I'd have been so happy right now and a lot of my problems would have been sorted.
  13. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    Well thats a first, someone being told to NOT look for a job. WTF is that all about? Weird. Yeah, do be careful what you say and who you say it to. Its ok to say whatever to doctors, but I am very wary of others. Even in group therapy I have been guarded in how much I will say. I am not giving anyone the excuse to section me, no chance.

    You can only do so much. If you try and take on more than you can handle, I think you know where that goes. Job hunting is not easy for anyone, throw in a few mental health issues and it becomes a almost impossible task. You just have to keep plugging away and hope you get a break at some point, which I am sure you will. Sorry you didn't get the one you were after. Hopefully there will be others that are just as appealing.
  14. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    I know right?!?! Stop trying to improve your life and just stay in the same insecure, low paying, low status job that's giving you a load of mental health problems. All they cared about was me saying I was going to the doctors and that I would tell him how I'm feeling. I don't think my one sentence response that I would sounded very convincing but they were happy to believe it. I have an appointment next week to review a medication not to do with depression or chronic pain. I may bring up that I'm depressed but I'm certainly not going to tell the truth because all they're going to do is call the crisis team. Both the crisis team and social services did nothing last year when they were contacted and it was just a big stress worrying about what might happen. If I can just get a better part time job sorted I will feel a lot better. Things are slowly improving-ish.

    I had a crap day at the supermarket job today. Whoever was in the night before didn't finish their bit properly so it made us really behind before we even opened. Lots of out of date food on the shelves! And food expiring that day hadn't been reduced. Tills really busy and a few people had a go at me, also manager told me my contract 'probably' ends mid September. She didn't give a day but it will be reviewed. No-one has ever approached me with an actual contract. I wanted to book holiday for the week after which they won't tell me if I can have off or not, if I am still there. Last time I had to ask at lunchtime on my last day if I still had a job. I think they 'review' it every 6 weeks. Which basically means they tell you you haven' t got a job and then expect you to come in next shift with no notice. Been there almost 3 months now. I hate it there. On my way back I walked past somebody who knew me as an Office Manager - his mouth dropped to the floor when he saw me in my uniform. Well, that is a boost to my self esteem isn't it :p

    I don't have to be another Office Manager job (it wasn't nearly as high status as it sounds) but something office based that is a little higher than a Office Junior. I really just want to get out of this current job. :-(
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