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I'm unhappy with everything. What's the point?

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I'm a 20 year old guy and I have quite a few problems. I'll jot it down into categories because it will be too long and most of you probably won't bother reading it.

Social Anxiety:
For pretty much my entire life I've suffered from social anxiety, so I'm quite shy. As a result I don't really have any friends; I'm a loner. I've tried my best to get out there and surpass this problem, but it's so hard. After years of trying I have made two close friends and I had a girlfriend in the past. I don't really care about the relationship with my two friends though because we're so different and they usually just peer pressure me into drinking and doing an illegal drug, it's pretty lame. And my ex girlfriend cheated on me so we both decided to break it off. I can't stop thinking about her and it has been two months... I know I should stop, but I can't help it. It seems that I dwell on it because she was basically the only girl I've ever been with and I fell in love with her. Social anxiety also made me drop out of high school in the past (I have gone back and I'm almost done) and it holds me back from getting a job because I am afraid of people judging me.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder:
I'm not too sure about this one. My ex girlfriend said that I'm cute, but I don't see it. She is the only girl who has ever even talked to me. I think I'm really ugly. 5'8" 120lb male, crooked teeth, and I have a speech impediment. I think she just felt bad for me, she was actually pretty. This also holds me back because I hate being judged for my looks. I've been called ugly in the past and my speech impediment has been made fun of for years. Names like lisp, stick, etc, etc have been quite common.

These two things have basically been controlling my life and I hate it. I've come to a point where I'm completely unhappy. I have no meaningful relationships, I have no job, I don't really have anything to be honest. My hobbies don't even bring me any enjoyment anymore. I use to LOVE reading, writing, playing the piano, etc. Now it's just bleh and it feels pointless.

I'm always stressed and I am always worried about my future. I've become really ashamed of myself. I think about suicide a lot, but I'm too afraid to actually do it. I'm afraid though. I feel like if I continue down this road in life I will **** myself when I'm older. What can I do? I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this. My family is pretty abusive and well, I have no friends. I feel very hopeless.

I want to be happy like I was when I was a kid. I want a wife and kids someday, a career, friends. A life basically. Is it even possible?

For those of you that took the time to read. Thank you I appreciate it.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi sounds like you need help depression has sucked all life out of you. You need to talk to your doctor get on meds they will help bring some of your things back you like. Depression treated with meds and therapy can give you some of your live back. YOur 20 get help now okay don't leave it like i did too many years have gone you get help now and get feeling better about yourself and you can have that future you want h ugs
meditation can help a lot with social anxiety

is there another relative that you trust that you could live with? I think that getting out of the abusive family environment might help. family therapy?

oh yeah, acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine can help

it sounds like the stress of worrying about things is just making things worse.
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